It’s been almost 5 1/2 years since our beautiful 23-year-old daughter, Naomi, took her life and it’s still so hard to believe this happened. It’s so wrong and it never should have happened, but it did.
We knew she was depressed and believed the cause was postpartum depression but now believe it was more complicated than that. We also learned of a traumatic experience that she had gone through that would have added to her depression.
There are so many events that happened in the 3 1/2 months before her taking her life that I have gone over and over in my mind, trying to put it all together and make sense of it all. I had so much guilt as I replayed conversations that we’d had over and over in my mind, thinking the outcome could have been different if I had asked different questions or been there more for her.
We actually thought she was getting better because she showed signs of being more of her happy self at times. I know she was afraid to tell us that she was in a worse place than we realized, which breaks my heart.
In November of 2013, a little over 
1 1/2 years since Naomi left this earth, we saw Steven Curtis Chapman in concert and one of the things he said was, “I probably have more questions now than I’ve ever had, but I think the question that the Lord is asking us is, ‘Will you trust me?'” I broke down when I heard him say that because that was my struggle. “Do I trust you, Lord? I want to. Help me to!”
On July 24, 2014, our daughter’s birthday, I was finally able to say, “Lord, I don’t get this and this is so wrong and there are so many unanswered questions, but I trust you.” There are things that happen in this life that are so painful and tragic and wrong, but as Papa said in The Shack, “Just because I can bring incredible good out of incredible tragedy doesn’t mean I orchestrated the tragedy.”
God is good and He is faithful and He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He WILL give beauty for ashes! I trust that!
What you have just read was written by Denee Martindale. In the last couple of years, Denee has become a precious friend. Our daughters actually knew each other growing up, through school and local church activities, but it has only been since they both died that we have gotten to know one another on a deeper level.
There are three things that I think are important to notice in what Denee has shared.
- Guilt did not serve her well.
The “if only’s” and deep regrets don’t change anything. In fact, as long as we are in that frame of mind, we are continuing to feed the darkness and depression we all face after the death of our child (especially one who ended his or her own life).
- It took quite a long time to let go of that guilt.
Naomi passed in April of 2012. Denee was tortured with the guilt for over a year and a half. And even when presented with the truth that God was asking her to trust Him beyond all of her unanswered questions, it took another eight months before she was ready to do so.
I know many of you who are reading this have been in that same place for much longer. (This is not a judgment, just an observation.)
- The solution was not in herself.
Denee had to let go and trust the One who holds life and death in His hands, and loves both you and your child more deeply than any of us can comprehend.
Coming to a place of acceptance that God did not cause the death of our child, is where many of us have to start. Then we need to accept the fact that He had a reason for not stepping in and stopping our child’s death that will not make sense to us on this side of eternity.
Unfortunately, many of us have a misguided definition of faith, which makes all of this even more difficult, and can be part of the guilt we find ourselves trapped in. True faith is not getting the answers we want (or we “claim”) to our prayers. True faith is trusting Him when certain prayers are not answered in the way we prayed, believing that He can see what we cannot see, and knows what we do not know.
It is important for us to grasp that this life and what we can see, hear, touch and feel, is only temporary. Our child is on the other side of eternity, and we will be joining them some day. Thankfully, our extremely painful separation is not permanent. We can release the guilt, knowing our children are in the safest, most wonderful place possible. Yes, I know we would much rather have them here with us, but wanting that, and hanging on to guilt because they aren’t, will not change it. So we might as well make a decision to let it go.
I encourage you to do exactly what my friend 
Denee did. Don’t rely on your own strength or desire to trust God with the most painful thing you have ever faced. Be honest with Him. If you are like Denee, tell Him, “I want to trust you. Help me to!” And if you are not to that point of wanting to trust Him, tell Him! And then ask Him to help you to want to trust Him.
Myself and thousands of other bereaved parents have come to the same conclusion as Denne; God is good and He is faithful and He is the healer of the brokenhearted and He WILL give beauty for ashes!
We trust that! And you can, too.
Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl to bring hope, light and life to those struggling in darkness after a tragedy, especially bereaved parents. If you would like more information about Laura as an author or a speaker for your next event click here.
mourning process. We cannot go around it. And it always takes so much longer than we want it to, or think it will. I remember two years in saying, “I just want to stop hurting so bad!”. Since that time, I have had several 
I was immediately embraced with warmth and love and acceptance. I felt like a long-lost sister! I am tearing up right now, just thinking about it.
and online groups to help pull me out of the suffocating darkness, but so much of what was out there was despair and hopelessness, telling me that life would never be the same and never be worth living. I had a hard time with that.
We recently had the blessing of spending some time with Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. He was so very gracious, and thanked us for reaching out in our pain to other grieving parents. We were also able to make him aware of the Parental Bereavement Leave Act in committee right now, which is a needed amendment to the FMLA, allowing twelve weeks of unpaid leave for grieving parents (like it does when a child is born or adopted).
keep me from ever swimming again? No way! I love to swim and be in the water (especially in warm places 
Don’t give up. Don’t give up on life. Don’t give up on hope. Don’t give up on happiness, laughter and joy. Hang on, one day, one minute, one breath at a time. 
When Becca died (you can read about her story by 
is bringing life from death!
I never knew how much work is involved in writing a book and getting it published. And unless you are already a big name person with a huge public following, the greatest part of the leg-work of promoting and marketing a book falls on the shoulders of the author. And when you think about it, no one else is going to have the heart and passion for what was written on the pages more than the person who wrote it, so it makes sense that the author should be the strongest promoter.
many things we can do to open the door to hope in our lives. In this article, I am only going to talk about four of them. They are things you probably already know in your head, but I am praying after reading through this, you have a new revelation of them in your soul that you will act put into action.
night before lying down, write at least five things you can be thankful for. It might be a big event you were blessed to be a part of. It might be something as simple as, “I woke up today and got out of bed.” Hearing your children laugh, you have a place to live, you had money to get a haircut, you got to eat your favorite meal; these are all things to thank God for. It doesn’t matter how trivial others may see it. This is not for anyone else but you!
Any kind of slavery steals hope. When you’re hopeless, you are lost and in bondage.
There is something about getting away where you can focus on allowing God to bring the hope you need through direct ministry, and time with the Holy Spirit. It catapults you in a way like nothing else seems to do. Ask God to lead you to the right event, and pray for Him to provide the finances, if that is an issue.
for a long time. When you feel hopeless, discouraged and depressed, it can often be the last thing you want to do. I have been to the place where I didn’t have the emotional or physical energy to exercise, even if I wanted to (which I admit, I did not want to).
