When Closure Doesn’t Come

I was recently listening to a podcast where the guest was talking about being in that extremely uncomfortable place of transition—where what was is no longer, but we can’t yet see what will be.

I guess one word for that might be hopeless.

He talked about getting closure after a crisis that brings intense grief, and how we long to dot our I’s and cross our t’s. We want answers.

One statement he made really stood out to me and prompted this blog:
“The reality is you won’t always get closure. You can get closure, or you can move on, but you can’t have both.”

The “Why” That Keeps Us Stuck

Of course, my mind went to all of us pareavors. We know there will never be what the world considers “closure.” Even if there’s an investigation surrounding your child’s death, even if someone is found guilty and sentenced—there’s no sense of closure, like everything is okay now.

For us, I think what we want—what we mean by closure—is answers to the “why”:
Why didn’t God stop this from happening?
Why my child?
Why my family?

But if we constantly live from that place of why, we stay stuck. Always looking back. And I know some of us feel it’s impossible to move forward… how could we live life without our child?

When Breathing Feels Impossible

I personally didn’t know how it was possible to go on, to live out the rest of my life with that kind of pain. Pain so deep it made it hard to even breathe at times.

If that’s where you are right now, please hear me:
You are not alone.

So many of us have been in that same place. That place of suffocating pain where even existing feels impossible. Where you wonder if you’ll ever smile again, or if you even want to.

Why Closure Feels Like Betrayal

For us, closure feels like betrayal. It feels like saying, “Okay, that chapter is done,” when we know deep in our souls it will never be done. Our child will always be a part of us. Always.

But moving forward doesn’t mean closing the door on our child. It doesn’t mean forgetting them or being okay with what happened. It means choosing to live again while still carrying their memory, their love, their presence inside us.

It’s not about “moving on,” like the world so often expects.
It’s more about moving forward, with our child still with us, deep inside.
And sometimes, it’s not even a step forward. It is just standing up again. Or sitting in God’s presence, simply breathing. That, too, is part of healing.

A Peace That Surpasses Understanding

We may never get our answers to the “whys” on this side of eternity. But I do believe God invites us to exchange our desperate need for answers with His peace that surpasses understanding.

I know that’s easier said than done. I wrestled with it. Some days, I still do. But it’s in that wrestling that I’ve discovered something powerful:

I don’t have to understand to be held. I don’t have to know why, to know I’m loved.

You Can Begin Again

So, if you’re in that messy, painful place of not knowing how to go on… please know this:
It may not seem like it right now, but it is possible to move forward without answers.

It’s okay to not have closure.
It’s okay to not be okay.
And it’s okay to begin to hope again.
To take tiny steps.
To begin breathing again without guilt.
To let your child’s legacy be part of the reason you live, not just the reason you hurt.

You can live again.
No, it won’t be the same life, or the one you thought it would be.
But it can (and I truly believe it will) be a life shaped by deep loss, deep love, and yes… even deep hope.

A Prayer for You

Father God, for every grieving parent reading this, wrap them in Your presence right now. Let them know that You are near. Bring comfort to the questions that don’t have answers. Bring peace into the chaos. And bring hope, Lord, even if it’s just a flicker. Help them know they are not alone. Not ever.
In Jesus’ name… Amen.

You Still Matter

Your life can have meaning and purpose again, even without the answers to your why questions.
Not in spite of your child’s death—but because of their life.

“I would have despaired, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of God in the land of the living.”
Psalm 27:13

I believe with all my heart, that just like me and thousands of others on this path ahead of you, you will once again see the goodness of God… right here, in the land of the living.

Your life can have meaning and purpose again, even without the answers to your why questions.
Not in spite of your child’s death, but because of his or her life.

Your child’s life still matters.
And so does yours.

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 305. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

Grief doesn’t come with a roadmap. Sometimes all we can do is focus on the next small step.

Lisa Espinoza, author of First, Just Brush Your Teeth, lost her son, Chandler, after being hit by a car while riding his bike. He was 25 years old. Recently, Lisa and I talked about those first days, the heaviness that comes with each moment, and what it looks like to simply keep moving forward when nothing makes sense anymore.

As we all know, it is hard to get out of bed each day, so Lisa came up with a simple motivation: First, just brush your teeth. That’s where she began. Not with big goals or a full schedule. Just that one small act of showing up for the day. And if she could do that, maybe she could get dressed, and then maybe walk downstairs. 

When It Becomes Your Story

We all seem to come to a moment when we are somewhat forced to realize, “I’m one of those people now.” The ones we all refer to when we say, I can’t imagine losing a child. It’s something we never expect to be part of our own lives, and when it is, nothing feels the same again. 

Life suddenly splits into “before” and “after.” 

I knew I could not live out the rest of my life with this intense suffocating darkness and pain, but I didn’t know how to climb out of this horrible pit I had been hurled into, causing me to cry out to God for help. 

Faith Without the Formulas

Child loss affects our faith. For a few, it almost immediately deepens. For most, it brings deep questions. But for all of us, it reshapes our relationship with Him in some way. Lisa’s foundation didn’t really shake, but her understanding of faith did change. The neat and tidy beliefs she had grown up with started to fall away, and what remained was simple: Emmanuel—God with us.

I remember having that same phrase hit me during a particularly difficult holiday season after Becca died. Christmas had always been her favorite season, full of decorations and music and giving gifts. The joy around me once again felt so out of place. Deep in my spirit, I felt an explosion in me saying: Emmanuel—God with us. I need You to be with me! 

I ended up pulling out our old advent wreath, lighting a candle, and writing something as a reminder of how He was with me, every evening leading up to Christmas (which was eventually turned into the book Hope for the Future: An Advent Book for Bereaved Parents).

Lisa and I agreed that, especially in those seasons when everything feels dark, the idea of a God who is with us is what we need most. Not answers. Not explanations. Just His presence.

And often, that “God with us” comes through people. A friend checking in. A comforting text. A small act of kindness. Listening to a podcast or reading a blog. These may not feel dramatic or miraculous, but they’re real. They’re reminders that we’re not walking this road alone.

Finding Light in Gratitude

Before Chandler died, Lisa had started something she called her “God Moments Gratitude Journal.” While she couldn’t keep it up every day during the most intense parts of grief, it helped her shift her focus when she could. Naming even one small thing she was thankful for became a way to let in some light.

That is something I was encouraged to do as well. And like Lisa, I started small, each night writing down three to five things I was thankful for, like noticing someone’s smile, or the smell of freshly baked bread. It doesn’t change what happened, but it can soften the edges of the pain just enough to keep going.

I love how Lisa described gratitude as “pinpoints of light in the dark.” And that’s what it feels like. Not a floodlight that suddenly makes everything bright again—but small flickers of hope that show up as we recognize and name the good that is still around us.

The Bittersweet Blend of Life After Loss

Life is rarely just bitter or just sweet. It’s almost always a mix. We can be at a wedding, smiling and dancing, while feeling a deep ache inside for the child who isn’t there. That contrast can be hard to carry, but it’s real. We can learn how to take some time to accept the pain of the bitter… but then lean into the sweet. 

Choosing to smile or feel joy again isn’t dishonoring to our child. Lisa shared how it is really the opposite. To live with meaning, to laugh again and to let moments of joy return, is how she is continuing to honor her son’s life.

Being Open to Hope

Toward the end of our conversation, Lisa said something simple that I think is worth repeating. If you’re in the thick of grief, she encourages you to be open to the possibility of hope. Not to force yourself to feel hopeful. Not to pretend. Just to leave the door cracked open.

Some days, that openness might look like brushing your teeth. Or getting dressed. Or making a short phone call. And that’s enough.

The path ahead may be unclear, but it’s not unclear to the One who walks with us. You don’t have to take the whole journey today. Just take the next step. Whatever that looks like for you.

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 304. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope. 

 

Everything can be going great. Life feels full of joy, success, and promise. That’s how it was for Kim Harms and her family. Her son, Eric, was the high school drum major, a strong Christian, made the Dean’s List in college, and was following his dreams.

Then, everything changed.

Forty-five minutes after his girlfriend broke up with him, Eric took his own life.

“We went from on top of the world—our son excelling in every way—to, ‘He’s dead. He’s gone.’ All at once. No warning,” Kim recalls. “Our world was shattered. You can’t even describe it. Your worst nightmare becomes your new reality.”

In the aftermath, she felt completely lost. “I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Everything was a mess.”

A Wake-Up Call

One night, Kim’s cousin confronted her. “Don’t you dare let your remaining children feel that they are not enough,” he said.

That moment shook her. She realized that her grief was beginning to consume everyone around her. “Our grief isn’t just about us. It affects everyone we’re around. My husband had just had a liver transplant. He needed me. My two daughters needed me.”

That moment gave her the courage to begin clawing her way out of the darkness.

I, Laura, remember when my own daughter told me she felt like I thought the wrong daughter died. It was devastating to hear, but also eye-opening. We must remember that our living children, our spouses, and even those we’ve yet to meet still need us here.

Living Again After Loss

Kim feared having grandchildren. “I didn’t want any more people in my life that I could lose.” But today, she has six. And because of therapy, medication, hard emotional work, and leaning on God, she’s able to be fully present with them.

“I can go to weddings and funerals without drowning in grief. I feel the twang, but I don’t fall into the pit anymore. My message? Fight. Keep fighting. Trust God.”

From Wanting to Go to Fighting to Stay

When we first lose a child, we often feel like we don’t want to be here anymore. I remember saying to God, “Just get me out of here.” But over time, He changed my perspective. 

And eventually, like Kim, I have been amazed with finding myself fighting to stay.

Even if you do not have other children, grandchildren, or a spouse, it is worth trusting God and fighting to stay for reasons you don’t even know yet, or people you haven’t met yet.

Rediscovering Identity and Purpose

“We don’t just lose our child,” Kim explains, “we lose our identity.”

After her husband’s death, Kim was struck by the truth: “God was done with him. But He wasn’t done with me.” She still had a purpose, even if she didn’t yet know what it was.

“All the pain is wasted unless we use it to help others.”

A Joy That Seemed Impossible

For Kim, that purpose came in the form of something she never could have planned: traveling to Rwanda and starting a memorial library in Eric’s name. That first library has now grown to over 65 libraries and 350,000 books and she returns every couple of years. 

It started with meeting someone from Rwanda, then knowing someone connected to Books for Africa, who made a suggestion. 

Finding Purpose Doesn’t Mean Big or Loud

When pareavors ask how to find purpose again, I often tell them: just follow the bread crumbs. You don’t have to chase a big ministry or some grand vision. Just press into God, no matter how you feel, because lament is still relationship. 

Trust Him to lead you, in His timing, by following the trail of breadcrumbs. Kim is a great example of that.

The Greatest Legacy

Kim once told a group of very poor widows in Rwanda, many who felt they had nothing left to give after the huge genocides, “Jesus left no money behind. His legacy was love. You can give a legacy of love, every single day, to anyone around you. And that is the greatest legacy any of us can leave.”

When you begin to give love again, it comes back to you. The grief doesn’t disappear, but love softens the edges and brings new light and begins to give your life meaning and purpose. 

You Still Matter

When we lose a child, it’s easy to feel like our life no longer matters. But that’s a lie. Your life still matters.

Many of us talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to someone else. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. You are loved and cared for by a magnificent God. Try to see yourself as God sees you. 

Even if you don’t feel it—especially if you don’t—remember that God still sees you. He still loves you. And He still has a purpose for you.

It’s Worth the Fight

To give purpose and meaning after the death of your child, is something God wants to do for you. To have joy and contentment again, even while carrying the pain of missing your child, is a miracle He has for you. 

Finding your way out of the darkness and into a place of living with meaning and purpose is not easy, but it is absolutely worth the fight. Keep hanging on to God with everything you’ve got and follow those breadcrumbs. It is also worth the miracle you never thought could or would happen. 

Reach out and take it.

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NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 302. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

You can grieve while holding on to grace. And that means letting go of guilt.

If this touched your heart, I encourage you to share it with another grieving parent who may be quietly asking the same questions.

And if you’d like more encouragement, I’ve created a free resource called 10 Tips to Overcome Guilt. You can download below.

Remember: It’s okay to grieve while holding on to grace.

If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.