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June 27, 2025 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Finding Meaning and Purpose After the Death of a Child By Laura Diehl with Kim Harms

 

GPS HOPE: Finding Meaning and Purpose After the Death of a Child

GPS HOPE: Press into God, no matter how you feel, because lament is still relationship.Everything can be going great. Life feels full of joy, success, and promise. That’s how it was for Kim Harms and her family. Her son, Eric, was the high school drum major, a strong Christian, made the Dean’s List in college, and was following his dreams.

Then, everything changed.

Forty-five minutes after his girlfriend broke up with him, Eric took his own life.

“We went from on top of the world—our son excelling in every way—to, ‘He’s dead. He’s gone.’ All at once. No warning,” Kim recalls. “Our world was shattered. You can’t even describe it. Your worst nightmare becomes your new reality.”

In the aftermath, she felt completely lost. “I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Everything was a mess.”

A Wake-Up Call

One night, Kim’s cousin confronted her. “Don’t you dare let your remaining children feel that they are not enough,” he said.

That moment shook her. She realized that her grief was beginning to consume everyone around her. “Our grief isn’t just about us. It affects everyone we’re around. My husband had just had a liver transplant. He needed me. My two daughters needed me.”

That moment gave her the courage to begin clawing her way out of the darkness.

I, Laura, remember when my own daughter told me she felt like I thought the wrong daughter died. It was devastating to hear, but also eye-opening. We must remember that our living children, our spouses, and even those we’ve yet to meet still need us here.

GPS HOPE: When you begin to give love again, it comes back to you. The grief doesn’t disappear, but love softens the edges, brings new light, and begins to give your life meaning and purpose.

Living Again After Loss

Kim feared having grandchildren. “I didn’t want any more people in my life that I could lose.” But today, she has six. And because of therapy, medication, hard emotional work, and leaning on God, she’s able to be fully present with them.

“I can go to weddings and funerals without drowning in grief. I feel the twang, but I don’t fall into the pit anymore. My message? Fight. Keep fighting. Trust God.”

From Wanting to Go to Fighting to Stay

When we first lose a child, we often feel like we don’t want to be here anymore. I remember saying to God, “Just get me out of here.” But over time, He changed my perspective. 

And eventually, like Kim, I have been amazed with finding myself fighting to stay.

Even if you do not have other children, grandchildren, or a spouse, it is worth trusting God and fighting to stay for reasons you don’t even know yet, or people you haven’t met yet.

Rediscovering Identity and Purpose

“We don’t just lose our child,” Kim explains, “we lose our identity.”

After her husband’s death, Kim was struck by the truth: “God was done with him. But He wasn’t done with me.” She still had a purpose, even if she didn’t yet know what it was.

“All the pain is wasted unless we use it to help others.”

GPS HOPE: When we lose a child, it’s easy to feel like our life no longer matters. But that’s a lie. Your life still matters.

A Joy That Seemed Impossible

For Kim, that purpose came in the form of something she never could have planned: traveling to Rwanda and starting a memorial library in Eric’s name. That first library has now grown to over 65 libraries and 350,000 books and she returns every couple of years. 

It started with meeting someone from Rwanda, then knowing someone connected to Books for Africa, who made a suggestion. 

Finding Purpose Doesn’t Mean Big or Loud

When pareavors ask how to find purpose again, I often tell them: just follow the bread crumbs. You don’t have to chase a big ministry or some grand vision. Just press into God, no matter how you feel, because lament is still relationship. 

Trust Him to lead you, in His timing, by following the trail of breadcrumbs. Kim is a great example of that.

The Greatest Legacy

Kim once told a group of very poor widows in Rwanda, many who felt they had nothing left to give after the huge genocides, “Jesus left no money behind. His legacy was love. You can give a legacy of love, every single day, to anyone around you. And that is the greatest legacy any of us can leave.”

When you begin to give love again, it comes back to you. The grief doesn’t disappear, but love softens the edges and brings new light and begins to give your life meaning and purpose. 

GPS HOPE: Finding your way out of the darkness and into a place of living with meaning and purpose is not easy, but it is absolutely worth the fight.

You Still Matter

When we lose a child, it’s easy to feel like our life no longer matters. But that’s a lie. Your life still matters.

Many of us talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to someone else. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. You are loved and cared for by a magnificent God. Try to see yourself as God sees you. 

Even if you don’t feel it—especially if you don’t—remember that God still sees you. He still loves you. And He still has a purpose for you.

It’s Worth the Fight

To give purpose and meaning after the death of your child, is something God wants to do for you. To have joy and contentment again, even while carrying the pain of missing your child, is a miracle He has for you. 

Finding your way out of the darkness and into a place of living with meaning and purpose is not easy, but it is absolutely worth the fight. Keep hanging on to God with everything you’ve got and follow those breadcrumbs. It is also worth the miracle you never thought could or would happen. 

Reach out and take it.


NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 302. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

You can grieve while holding on to grace. And that means letting go of guilt.

If this touched your heart, I encourage you to share it with another grieving parent who may be quietly asking the same questions.

And if you’d like more encouragement, I’ve created a free resource called 10 Tips to Overcome Guilt. You can download below.

Remember: It’s okay to grieve while holding on to grace.


If you would like to join thousands of other bereaved parents receiving a weekly word of hope delivered to your inbox, let us know below.


Award-winning grief support books by Laura Diehl, including “When Tragedy Strikes,” “Reflections of Hope,” and “Hope for the Future,” shown with Illumination Book Awards.

AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.

In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.

For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parents, bereaved parents awareness month, bereaved parents day, dreaming of your child's death, grief, grief and loss, grief anxiety, grieving parents, how to cope with the death of a child, how to deal with grief and loss of a loved one, how to deal with losing a son, how to handle grief at work and beyond, Laura Diehl, losing a daughter quotes, losing a daughter to death, loss of child, pareavor, prayer for bereaved parents, what to say on anniversary of child's death​

June 23, 2023 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

What Do You Call Someone Who Has Lost a Child?

After our daughter, Becca, died, I knew there was no word that could even come close to describing my pain. At the same time, I wondered why there is not a word for those of us who are still here after the death of our child. Someone who has lost their parents is an orphan. My son-in-law became a widower, and of course, a woman whose husband has died is called a widow.

This started to really bother me.

I did a search to see if I could find something. Nothing came up at the time. Since then, there is a word I have seen around here and there, which I talk about on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast (episode 216 where this specific blog came from).

When we hear the word widow or orphan about someone, we know what type of life-changing loss they have experienced. But when telling someone about our loss, it is along the line of, “Her child died.” There is no word that identifies the devastating, horrific, heart shattering traumatic loss in our lives.

When we lose a child, it changes our identity, even if we still have other children still here with us. It especially changes our identity if you have lost your only child, or all your children.

Even though all our journeys are different, when you meet someone who has lost a child, there is an instant connection. It doesn’t matter what different beliefs we might have politically, spiritually, or otherwise. There is something that pulls our hearts together because you are someone who can relate to me in a way very few others can. You know what it is like to experience this loss that is like no other loss.

I think it is important to have a word that validates the fact that parents who have lost a child through death have a weight that is extremely heavy…heavier than most will experience in this life. Not as a label to give us permission to wallow in our deep sorrow, but one that draws us together to be able to strengthen and encourage each other within our life-long club membership that none of us wanted.

So, just who are we after the death of our child? Is there a word that unites us? A word that at least implies the depth of our pain?

I believe there is, and it is the word pareavor.

“Reave” comes from the word bereave. According to Merriam-Webster the meaning/definition of the actual word “reave” is: to plunder or rob, to deprive one of, to seize, to carry or tear away.

I think those are some pretty good descriptions of how we felt when our child died.

So, if we take away the “be” in bereave and replace it with a “pa” (because “pa” comes from the word parent: a person who is a father or mother; a person who has a child (Merriam-Webster)), we get pareave.

Then when you add an “or”  at the end (indicating a person who does something (Wiktionary)) you get the word pareavor.

The word pareavor sounds like a pretty good description of what happens when our child dies, no matter the age of the child. We are parents who have been deprived of our children who were seized and torn away from us through death. We are pareavors.

Who am I? I am a teacher, an author, a podcaster host, a singer/songwriter, full time RVer; I am a wife, a daughter, a mom, a grandma, an aunt, a niece, a friend, a cousin, a cat-lover, and… I am a pareavor. A parent who was violently robbed of my daughter’s life – a parent bereaved of my child.

Let me say that I am sorry you have a reason to even consider this as an option in your life as a description of who you are now as well.

No matter what words we use, either to try and describe what it is like or to specifically identify ourselves as someone who has faced the devastation of child loss, we are still all in this together.

We are pareavors – parents who are bereaved of our child. They may have been ripped away from us here on earth, which causes tremendous pain, but thankfully, it is not a permanent separation.

This was taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, episode 216. To listen to more than what was shared in this blog, click here, or find the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.

 

Would you like to receive a Weekly Word of Hope written and sent by Laura? Let her know below. Your email address is safe with GPS Hope.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parent term, bereavement definition, child loss grief, child loss support, Christian grief support, expressions of hope, GPS Hope, grief and identity, grief identity, grief podcast for parents, grief terminology, grieving father term, grieving mother term, grieving parents, grieving parents sharing hope, Laura Diehl, pareavor, parent after child death, parent grief community, what is a pareavor

September 8, 2019 by Laura Diehl 4 Comments

Finding the Real Us

Growing up, one of my favorite stories was The Velveteen Rabbit. In fact, I named one of my own stuffed bunnies Velveteen, and would often sleep with it at night. (I memorized a list of all my stuffed animals, and gave each one a turn sleeping with me, cuddled in my arms, so none of them would feel left out. I can still run through that list in my head, almost fifty years later. I will spare sharing with you the names of my 13 cuddle-mates…)

Just a few years ago, I found a beautiful condensed “read-aloud” version of the book, so I purchased it to be able to share it with my grandkids. When we moved into the Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) I had to go through a life-time collection of two shelves of children’s books, deciding which ones to get rid of and which ones to keep. Only eight of those books found a place in our house on wheels, and that copy of The Velveteen Rabbit is one of them.

In case you aren’t familiar with the story, this little “fat and bunchy” stuffed bunny with spotted brown and white velveteen fur and pink sateen ears, becomes a boy’s favorite toy, which he talks to, plays with, and of course cuddles with each night. The bunny thinks he is real, because the boy tells the nanny his beloved bunny is real when she thinks he is making too much fuss over a toy. Eventually, the boy becomes sick with scarlet fever, and the well-worn and much-loved bunny is taken with the bedding to be burned. A real tear trickles down the face of the bunny, which immediately grows a flower with a fairy in it. Because the bunny was so loved and was real to the boy, she turns the velveteen Rabbit into a real live bunny, to live with the others he met earlier who made fun of him for not being real.

Looking back, I had no idea what the meaning of that story would have to me, after the death of our oldest daughter, Becca.

Let me share an exchange in the nursery between the wise old Skin Horse and the Rabbit.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you… It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time… Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” (The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams)

There are several similarities in this story, to my journey of being a pareavor  (a parent who has been bereaved of my child).

• It reminds me that working through our grief is a process; a journey. And it definitely doesn’t happen all at once. It takes a long time… years, as a matter-of-fact.

• “He hasn’t got any hind legs! He doesn’t smell right!” the wild rabbit exclaimed, jumping backwards. “He isn’t a rabbit at all! He isn’t real!” This is the reaction the live rabbits had one day when Rabbit was on the ground while his boy played. I don’t know about you, but many of us feel like the people around us just don’t get it. They don’t validate our loss, because we are so different than they are. They hop away and leave us, not understanding why we are the way we are.

• It is a story of going from being ugly to being real; from being who I was, thinking I was “real,” to being who I am now, on the other side of the suffocating darkness after Becca’s death. As I came out of the darkness and back into a place of hope and light, I began to see myself differently and I began to see others differently, along with a depth I didn’t have before. And that is a good thing.

• The Velveteen Rabbit is also a story of hope. He went from a place of devastation and being thrown away as useless to becoming real. I certainly felt devastated and totally useless. I felt like my soul died when my daughter died. But I didn’t stay that way. And you won’t either.

In order to become “real,” like the velveteen Rabbit, we have been taken through a very ugly place. And just like he was taken to a community of other bunnies, we are a community. We are a bunch of broken wounded people, doing life together. We are now traveling with each other on this journey, where we can learn how to become our best self and to become more real than ever before, within the pain and deep earthly loss of our children, not in spite of their death, but because of their life.

The book ends with the boy playing outside the following spring, seeing a rabbit that looks very much like his stuffed bunny that was destroyed.

But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real.

Our children gave us a great gift. The gift to become truly real. I know so many parents who are much further on this journey than I am, who have said they would not want to go back to being the person they were before their child died.

Why would they say that?

Because our child changed us. Both their life and their death.

We tend to look at how dark our life became after their departure, but there are also ways we have grown and are growing (or will grow), because of our brokenness. For me, I tend to not fret over the smaller things as much as I used to. I am much more aware of the present moment, knowing that is really all I have. My compassion for those who are hurting is way more than it ever used to be.

And because Becca had life, there are things she did that taught me something or showed me the way to being a better person, such as watching how she had a way of accepting everyone (whether she agreed with them in life choices and opinions or not) and how she was able to bring so much laughter while she was deathly ill her last 18 months. And watching Becca live life with only one leg and not letting it limit her, gives me motivation to push through my own difficulties instead of giving in to the obstacles that come my way.

How about you? Some of you may not have gotten to this point yet, because your child’s departure is still too fresh and your grief is still very dark and deep, but is there something you like better about yourself now since your child died? Is it easier to let go of toxic relationships? Are you more aware of what is really important in your life now? Are you now easily able to say “no” when people ask you to do something, when before you always said “yes?” Do you no longer feel guilty about putting your own needs first?

Here is another thought. We often talk about how we are forever changed because our child died, but I want to ask: How are you different now because your child LIVED? What are the new lenses your child’s life gave you, helping you to see the world with a different view than you had before?

As the wise old Skin Horse said: Once you become real, you can never become ugly again.

I would love to have you answer in the comments below this blog. What have you gained through your child’s death? What did your child’s life teach you?

We would like to send you the MP3 download From Pain to Purpose. This is a message Laura Diehl has given at several churches, sharing how God has a plan to take the deepest pain of the loss of your child, and restore your life to one of meaning and purpose once again, if we allow Him to.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved parents, child death support, child loss, embracing grief, emotional healing after loss, finding hope in grief, grief and growth, grief healing journey, grief reflection, grief transformation, grieving parent healing, grieving parents community, healing process after child death, hope after loss, legacy of a child's life, lessons from loss, life after child loss, navigating grief, overcoming grief, pareavor, personal growth after loss, support for grieving parents, surviving child loss, transforming grief, Velveteen Rabbit

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Recent Posts

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  • When Life Stands Still after the Death of Your Child
  • When There Are No Answers: Finding Hope After Child Loss
  • Getting Through the Grief of Child Loss, One Step at a Time



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