There are Bible verses that can sound beautiful when life is going well, but feel almost impossible to receive when our hearts have been shattered. For a pareavor, verses about trials producing perseverance or God working things together for good can be difficult to hear after the death of our child. They may even feel hurtful when someone uses them to rush us through our grief or convince us that we should already see something good in what happened.
So, what happens when grace meets grief after child loss? Does God’s grace require us to stop hurting, find the blessing or let go of our child? I do not believe it does. Grace does not deny how devastating this is. It meets us here, in the place we never wanted to be.
A powerful encounter with God does not prevent suffering
In 2 Corinthians 12, the apostle Paul describes someone, whom most Bible scholars believe was Paul himself, being caught up into paradise and hearing things human words could not express.
But then Paul tells us he was given what he called a thorn in his flesh. We are not told exactly what that thorn was. What we do know is that it tormented him, and he desperately wanted it gone. Three times, Paul pleaded with God to take it away.
The timing stands out to me. The thorn came after that wonderful encounter with God. Paul had experienced something glorious and deeply personal with the Lord, yet his life did not become free from pain. His life reminds us that closeness with God does not mean a life without suffering. Suffering does not automatically mean we did something wrong or that God has moved away from us.
Grace does not wait for the pain to leave
It is important to acknowledge that Paul pleaded for relief. Asking God to take away our pain is not a lack of faith. Paul did not pretend the thorn did not hurt, and he did not call it good.
God’s response was, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Before we go any further, let’s pause for a moment and talk about grace. For most of my life, I heard grace defined as God’s undeserved mercy and favor. That is certainly part of it, but if we apply only that definition here, God’s response to Paul can sound confusing. How would God’s favor alone sustain Paul through something that continued to torment him?
Over the years, I have come to understand that grace also includes God’s divine empowerment. God was not simply reminding Paul that he had His favor. He was assuring Paul that His power would be there to sustain him through what was not being taken away.
God did not shame Paul for asking or tell him to try harder. He promised that His power would meet Paul in the place where he felt so very weak. This did not mean Paul suddenly liked the thorn or that it stopped hurting. It meant the pain was not the only thing present. The grace and power of Christ were present, too.
This is part of what it can mean when grace meets grief after child loss. God’s grace is not waiting somewhere on the other side of our grief, after we have learned all the lessons or reached a certain level of healing. He meets us while the grief is still present.
You may feel as though God is far away or be unsure of what you believe anymore. I am not asking you to force yourself to feel differently. I do not believe God is offended by your questions. He sees the trauma beneath them and knows how deeply you love and miss your child.
Grace does not ask us to call the loss good
One time, I heard someone say that God wraps trials in blessings. My immediate response was, “The death of a child is an awfully strong trial to wrap a blessing in.”
Then I heard God respond in my spirit, “I know, because My Son died, and it was wrapped in the blessing of you.”
Wow!
That did not make Becca’s death good or make me glad that she died. It did not erase my pain or answer all my questions. What it did was remind me that God understands what it is for a Son to die. It also reminded me that the cross, which was cruel and horrific, was not the end of the story. God brought redemption and life from something that was never good. And it was personal. I was the blessing? Wow!
There is a difference between saying something is good and saying God can bring good from it. The death of our child was not good. We do not have to rename it as a blessing or be thankful that it happened.
But our child’s death does not place us beyond God’s ability to redeem parts of our story. Romans 8:28 does not say all things are good. It tells us that God works in all things. He can take what was meant to destroy us and, over time, weave something meaningful into our lives without ever calling the tragedy itself good.
When grace meets grief after child loss, we are not required to celebrate the trial. We are simply given hope that suffering does not have to have the final word.
Perseverance may not look the way we expect
James writes that the testing of our faith produces perseverance. That can feel almost offensive when the trial is the death of our child, but I do not believe James is telling us to feel happy about tragedy. Perseverance is not always a brave, triumphant feeling. Sometimes it is getting out of bed, taking the next breath or whispering, “God, I do not understand You, but please do not let go of me.” Growth is slow and uneven. Feeling stronger one day and completely undone the next does not mean we are failing.
Healing does not require letting go of your child
I recently responded to an email from a grieving mother who had been told by godly people that she needed to “let her son go” so she could receive the blessings God had for her. My heart hurt for her because I do not believe letting go of our children is God’s requirement for blessing us.
That kind of statement can make a pareavor feel as though God is withholding His goodness until we grieve correctly. But Paul was not told that he had to be free from what tormented him before he could experience God’s grace. God met him right in the middle of what he was still enduring.
God does not require us to stop carrying our children in our hearts before He will meet us. We may gradually release guilt, endless what-ifs or the unrealistic expectation of others that life must return to what it was. But our child is not something we must let go of to see God’s blessings.
Grace does not ask us to leave our child behind. It helps us carry both our love and our grief as we continue to live.
Grief does not have to be the only thing present
We will be healing from this traumatic loss for the rest of our time here. That does not mean we will always hurt with the same intensity, but it does mean the death of our child has changed us permanently and will always be part of our story.
Even so, there can come a time when life has meaning and purpose again. Joy and laughter can return, and we may find ourselves caring about things we thought would never matter to us again. None of this betrays our child, and it does not happen because we finally let go of them. It happens as grief gradually becomes one part of what we carry instead of the only thing we can feel. Our love for our child remains, while purpose, joy, compassion and hope slowly begin to grow alongside it.
If you cannot see any blessing right now, or if talk about meaning and purpose feels far beyond where you are, that is okay. You do not have to search for a lesson in your child’s death or prove that you are growing. For now, hope may simply be allowing yourself to consider that what you feel today is not all you will ever feel, and that your child can remain an important part of your life as you slowly begin to live again.
When grace meets grief after child loss, grief does not disappear. Grace reminds us that grief is not the only thing we will carry forever. In the full podcast episode, I talk more about Paul’s suffering, the difficult scriptures we often hear after child loss and why receiving God’s grace does not mean letting go of our children. I invite you to listen whenever your heart is ready.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 367. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
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