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Hope and Help for the Upcoming Christmas Season

 

Advent is a time of waiting; waiting for the coming or arrival of something. This is the season when “advent” is waiting for the arrival of Christmas, when we celebrate the fact that Jesus was born as a baby and entered our world. For most, it is a time of joyful anticipation, mixed with frazzled busyness.

But for many of us who have faced the death of our child, it is a time of waiting for the season to just… be…over. There are so many painful reminders of who we are missing, and painful reminders of what will never be.

We are also waiting to be reunited with our child, and that can’t seem to come soon enough. I remember in that first year after Becca died, telling God to just kill me, so I could be done here. Even though I had four other children, I just couldn’t get past the pain of having Becca gone, to be able to enjoy and love the ones who were still here.

Most of us are not suicidal. We just don’t want to live any more. I believe God knew from the very beginning of time that we would struggle with feeling so hopeless in our grief, and He did something about it.

Even though the Christmas season is all about Jesus entering the world of the humans He created and becoming one of us, the purpose of His birth was to die, so that we could have life. Not just life after we leave this world, but abundant life here on this earth (John 10:10). And believe it or not, He still wants to make good on that gift, that promise, in your life, after the death of your child.

God tells us that He is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18). I don’t think there is anyone more broken hearted than those of us who have lost a child.

But no matter how broken you are today, tomorrow always promises new hope.

Why is that?

Because it may have looked like Jesus came as a sweet little baby, and He did. But he also came as a mighty King! We know He didn’t come as an earthly king to overthrow an earthly government, but to overthrow Satan, the spiritual ruler of this world, and to nullify the eternal effects of the horrible things Satan puts in our individual lives while we are here on this earth.

Jesus is not a ruthless king, although we might think so after the death of our child. Yes, He came to right the wrongs, but not the way we often think. (Just like it wasn’t the way the disciples thought.) He didn’t come for a temporary earthly fix. He came to make things permanent, for all of eternity.

He is the Alpha and the Omega (Revelation 1:8) which means He is the beginning of all things and He is the end of all things. Not only does He have the final word, He IS the final Word!

I want you to think about this. Jesus, our King, has never lost a battle that He was brought into. His strategies will often be different than ours, and there may be times we don’t like the playing field we find ourselves on, but when we bring Him into our battle, He always has the final Word, and the final victory!

There is a song that has been around for many years that says, “Sometimes He calms the storm, but sometimes He calms His child.” Earthly kings might be able to control some physical things here and there, but only King Jesus can bring His Kingdom inside of us. For instance, He can bring peace to our shattered hearts. That is a much greater rule than any earthly king or kingdom!

The Gift of Peace

Jesus is also our shepherd.

John chapter ten talks about the thief (the enemy who is after the sheep) who comes to steal, kill, and destroy them. The enemy attacks the flock and scatters it.

But we have a good shepherd, Jesus, who will leave the ninety-nine sheep to go after the one sheep who has been attacked and is lost and wounded. That would be you and me.

Psalm 23 says, “The Lord ADONAI is my shepherd… He restores my inner person (my soul)” (CJB).

And the best part is that it doesn’t matter how far away you are from God in your anger or unforgiveness; God has peace for you. How do I know this? He tells us in Isaiah 57:19 and Ephesians 2:17 that there is peace to those both far and near.

How about another promise from the One who has the final word? Jeremiah 33:6 states, “I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace.” He will heal your wounded shattered heart. Maybe not as soon as we want, and not even a complete healing here on this earth, but He will do it!

Jesus is our shepherd, to guide us into a place of peace; a peace that doesn’t make any sense after the death of our child. But their death isn’t the end, it is not the final word.

Peace is being extended to us. Our part is to let go of what we are carrying that keeps us from accepting His gift of peace. It is an exchange. We give Him our fear, anger, doubts, bitterness and so on, and He gives us peace. Sounds like a pretty good deal on our end!

Most of us are familiar with the promise in the book of Revelation about God wiping all the tears. But did you know it is because He is our shepherd? It is found in chapter 7, verse 17 and says, “For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes,” (NIV).

Prayer: Jesus, thank you for having the final word in my child’s life and in my life. And thank you that one of those final words is peace for my life. Help me to let go of the things that are keeping me from accepting that gift of peace. Amen.

This was taken from the book Hope for the Future: An Advent Book for Bereaved Parents.

Every year, the four Sundays before Christmas, author Laura Diehl, has a live Facebook time with bereaved parents, lighting an advent candle and bringing a word of encouragement within the pain of not having our child during the holiday season.

If you would like to participate, head to the GPS Hope Facebook page at 8:30PM Central on those four Sunday evenings. And while you are there, be sure to “like” and “follow” the GPS Hope Facebook page so you will continue getting hope and encouragement as a bereaved parent.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Stop Telling Me I Need to be Thankful

Yes, this is the time of year where “thankfulness” abounds. It is everywhere we turn, from store decorations to commercials to Facebook posts.

But what do we do, when thankfulness is the furthest thing from our minds, and definitely not in our hearts? Do we stay in our house and pull the curtains tight? Do we yell at the TV, telling people who can’t hear us to stop it? Do we stay off social media, so we don’t have to feel like we are gagging at how happy and thankful everyone else is?

Yes, we might do all of those things and much more.

Inspirational holiday grief quote image with warm, blurred pumpkins and autumn decor in the background, conveying the message “Stop Telling Me I Need to be Thankful” for grieving parents. The text overlay reads, “It can be hard to be thankful or grateful this time of year, especially when those around us who have never lost a child tell us that is what we should do, because it will make us feel better!” with www.gpshope.org displayed at the bottom.I KNOW how hard it is to be thankful or grateful this time of year, especially when those around us who have never lost a child tells us that is what we should do, because it will make us feel better!!!

Unless you can bring my child back, don’t tell me what to do to make me feel better! Right?

It has been seven years since Becca died, and this is a holiday I still struggle with, but for a different reason than you might think. You see, the last memory of all of us together for this holiday was at Becca’s house.

My Last Thanksgiving with My Daughter

Becca was very ill with severe heart damage (needing a heart transplant) and wheelchair bound. But in her LOVE for hosting and entertaining (it was a God-given gift she was quite good at) she begged to have Thanksgiving at her house instead of the tradition of everyone coming to ours. There were several people who said it would just be too hard; that she couldn’t do it. I knew I would still be the one making most of the food, and preferred using my own kitchen, but something in me knew she really needed to do this. So, I rallied around her, and convinced everyone (including her husband who would also need to shoulder much of the load) to let Becca host the family.

If you know anything about Becca, she always went (what some would consider) way overboard in decorating and preparing when she hosted, which is what made her so good at it. She was also OCD, and everything had to be done to her idea of perfection. (Not always a good combination, I must say…) And what made it worse that particular Thanksgiving Day, was that the only place to fit all fourteen of us was in their basement. This meant that she had to be carried up and down the stairs, with her wheelchair following, to be put back in it. It was a lot of extra work for several of us, causing some frazzled nerves for sure.

But she did it and was SO happy that day as we sat down to eat! My tears are running down my face right now, thinking about it.

Inspirational holiday image for those dealing with loss, gently echoing the theme “Stop Telling Me I Need to be Thankful,” featuring a plain tan or beige background with colorful felt cutouts of two turkeys wearing Pilgrim hats, one gray Pilgrim character, and a group of orange pumpkins. The text overlay reads, “The holiday season can have very bittersweet memories for sure. And it is my choice to either dwell on the bitter, or on the sweet.” The website www.gpshope.org is displayed at the bottom.This is one of those very bittersweet memories for sure.

And it is my choice to either dwell on the bitter, or on the sweet. As you well know, thinking about the pain of the deep loss, keeps us sucked under the suffocating darkness of grief. BUT, if we force ourselves to dwell on the sweet, such as how super glad I am that I convinced the rest of the family to let Becca host us, on what became her last Thanksgiving here on earth with us, and the wonderful memories I have because of it, I find myself so very thankful. (Oops, there is that word…)

And there you have it. You get to make the choice. Not because others tell you that you should, but because you want your memories to not only give you pain, but to also bring a smile to your heart within that pain.

If this is your first or second year without your Inspirational quote image about choosing perspective in grief, thoughtfully reflecting the message “Stop Telling Me I Need to be Thankful,” featuring a warm, softly blurred background of a woman smiling while looking off-camera in a cozy cafe or bookstore setting. The text overlay reads, “You get to make the choice. Not because others tell you that you should, but because you want your memories to not only give you pain, but to also bring a smile to your heart within that pain.” The website www.gpshope.org appears at the bottom of the image.child during the holiday season, it might not be possible yet. And that’s okay. But just know that you can eventually become thankful for the memories and the times you had, instead of swallowed up in indescribable pain at not having your child with you. It is possible.

From my personal experience, and many others who are on the same road, we have learned that finding even the tiniest things to be thankful for can start to make a huge difference on this journey. But it isn’t because someone told you that is what you should do. It is because you are ready to make a shift out of the darkness, and realize that this is one of those steps toward the light.

Are you already dreading the Christmas season? I invite you to join me each Sunday live during the advent season, to walk through this difficult time of year together, acknowledging Emmanuel, God with us, within the painful earthly loss of our children. To find out more about it, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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Four Tips to Help Simplify Your Life

I have had so many family members moving in the last two months!

• Our middle son and his family were finally able to purchase a house and moved into it from their small apartment
• Our youngest son was able to move from staying in someone’s basement to having his own apartment with his fiancé and their little girl
• My sister and her family finally moved into a house they built to replace the one that burned to the ground shortly after our daughter, Becca, died
• We moved Dave’s mom, who has dementia, from her apartment into an assisted living facility after his dad’s death
• My oldest son bought our house and moved from the basement to the upstairs

Plus, we moved into our 38-foot motor home!

Can we be done moving for a while???

Um…as I ask that question, I have to laugh, since I have just moved into a home on wheels! …but just moving locations isn’t the same, right, since it all comes with us…?

Obviously, our move was the one that impacted me the most, having to go over every inch of space in our house, making a decision on literally EVERYTHING we owned after 34 years of marriage and family life with five children. With everything from pillows and blankets to wall hangings, from clothes to paper clips and glue, from each kitchen utensil to every piece of furniture, I had to ask myself is it:

1. Going with us in the Hope Mobile?
2. Being packed away in storage to still have, once we are done with this season of traveling (having no idea when that will be)?
3. Being given to one of the kids or grandkids?
4. Getting rid of it, either in our rummage sale or just trash it?

At the same time, Dave and I had to go through every item in his parent’s apartment, making the same kind of decisions. Does it go with her to her new place? Do we ask family members if they want it? Do we toss it? Do we hang on to it for her? Do we put it in our rummage sale?

Simple lives… that’s what most of us want, isn’t it?

But it seems to rarely happen, no matter how hard we try. One powerful thing I have learned is that if we can simplify and unclutter the “stuff” that is around us, it helps unclutter our minds as well, allowing us to move toward that simple life most of us long for.

In all of this moving, I received some insights, and had some “I wish I would have…” moments that I thought I would share with you, in hopes that it will help you simplify some things in life now, instead of when it is somewhat forced on you (or someone else for you) because of unforeseen circumstances.

1. DON’T PUT IT OFF. Is there an area you have been putting off for months (or even years) because it just seems too much to tackle? Maybe it’s your attic or a storage area in the basement. Maybe it is all the piles on your kitchen counters and table, or your bedroom closet that is stuffed so full that you don’t even know what is in there, or so many things piled in a dining room that is no longer usable.

It is much better to set your own deadline for yourself now, than to have one set for you that may leave you (or someone else you love) scrambling.

2. DON’T DO IT BY YOURSELF. Exchange the favor with a friend. Offer to help her tackle a big project if she comes and helps you with yours. Put a date on the calendar and stick to it. Make it fun with some rewards (like maybe bake something yummy you can sit down and snack on when you get to the half-way point, or take a break and get a pedicure) then go back and finish.

Having someone help not only makes it easier to whip through your project, but it gives a needed unbiased opinion on what needs to go out the door.

3. TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF ITS PLACE (AND I MEAN EVERYTHING) AND PUT IT IN A PILE SOMEWHERE. This is one of the most helpful things I discovered. If absolutely everything was pulled out of kitchen cupboards and drawers and piled on the kitchen table, chairs and floor, (or everything taken out of the bedroom closet and dresser drawers and piled on the bed, or literally everything removed from the dining room that has become a storage room, etc.) I was forced to make a decision on whether or not each item would be kept and put back away or sent out the door to someone else who was looking for that item I never use.

Added bonus: You will also probably keep at that project until it is done, because you can’t function (cook, get dressed, etc.) until it is complete. Plus, once you get started, it feels so good to be getting rid of so much “stuff” that you want to have the satisfaction of seeing the end results of how neat and tidy it looks with so much less clutter.

4. ASK YOURSELF IF THAT ITEM IS STILL BEING USED BECAUSE IT STILL GIVES YOU JOY. I discovered how many things I was hanging on to that had a memory attached to it, or “what if I still need it or want it later?” If it hasn’t been used (or worn) in over a year, chances are pretty high it will continue to sit there for another year, and another, and another… you get the point. The more years something has sat without serving its purpose, the more reason that is to part with it.

If getting rid of items no longer used is a struggle for you, let me share something that may sound strange, but really seems to help. Tell that item thank you for serving its purpose in your life, and that you no longer need it. Yes, out loud. And yes, like I said, it sounds weird, but there is something that seems to break our attachment to an item if we release it from having a hold on us for whatever that reason is.

Doing that simple thing gives us permission and freedom to send those things that are taking up mental and physical space in our lives out the door with no hesitations or regrets.

And once you have an area tackled and under control, make sure you don’t allow things to pile up again! Instead of tossing something somewhere (thinking you will take care of it later) make the decision while that item is still in your hands whether to toss it, put it away, or place it in a box, knowing that box will be given away as soon as it gets filled.

Simplifying what is around us in our homes transfers into other areas in our lives. It not only relieves the clutter physically but begins to cause our minds to be less cluttered in our thoughts. And then we start looking for other ways to simplify our lives.

Doing these four things is not a guarantee to a simplified life. But they are a great way to start, to help you move in that direction.

And speaking of moving in a direction, by the time you read this, we will have done our final loading and pulled out to be on the road full-time in our house on wheels.

I don’t know if the outward circumstances of my life will become simpler, traveling in and living from a motor coach for our full-time ministry to grieving parents. We all know there are things in life that are out of our control. But I do know that I plan on controlling what I can, by not allowing clutter to surround me in this new season of my life.

Have you experienced a deep loss? We would be honored to have a heart placed in loving memory on the GPS Hope motor home with his or her name on it, to travel with us. Find out more by clicking here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • Subscribe  to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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Three Shifts in Perspective that Bring Hope in Our Grief

When our child dies, everything goes dark. We can’t think straight, we are numb, and it feels like we are in a nightmare and are trying to wake up.

As strange as it is, even in the numbness we can feel anger and intense emotional pain. All of this swirling inside of us goes on for months, and then even into years. That is normal for a parent who has lost a child, since experts have determined that:

  • most of us deal with what is considered fresh grief for up to five years
  • the death of a child falls under traumatic grief (we have suffered a trauma) and many parents also have PTSD depending on the circumstances of the death (finding his or her body, seeing it happen, etc.)

Our thoughts can get stuck in this place of darkness, and we wonder if we will ever be able to get out.

One of the things I discovered early in my grief journey after my daughter, Becca, died, was to ask God to help me shift my perspective. The way I saw everything was dark and painful, but I knew God saw things through different eyes, and I needed desperately to see what He saw.

Let me share three things with you that God showed me, helping make that shift in how I saw things. And before you read them, may I suggest that you pause and ask God to help you see these things with His eyes as well. And remember, this isn’t coming from someone who is trying to fix you by giving you Christian clichés and pat answers. This is coming from someone who has been right where you are.

  1. This life is not permanent. Thank you, God!!! This is only the blink of an eye, a dot on the line of eternity. Where we are going has none of this heartache, turmoil and separation.

God made a way so that we do not have to be permanently separated from those we love. Wow! That is pretty amazing when you stop   and think about it. And please do. Stop and think about it. This is not a permanent separation.

I remember confiding in a friend a year after Becca died that I felt guilty because I wanted to go to heaven to see Becca more than I did to see Jesus. Her answer? “But Laura, you have made a deposit!” I love that.

And when Jesus says, “Where your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21), I realized that since one of my greatest treasures is in heaven, my heart will be there as well. And that is okay.

  1. To live is Christ, to die is gain (Philippians 1:21). So, I have to ask, if that is true, what did Becca gain?

You and I have children hanging out in incredible glory and perfection; no sickness, no pain (physical or emotional), no hurtful rejections… I think you get the idea and could build on this list. When I take time to think about what my daughter has gained, I can start feeling happy for her, which eases my pain some.

And have you thought about how our children will be the first ones waiting to meet us when we arrive? I can actually get excited thinking about Becca showing me all around, knowing she couldn’t wait for me to get there and join her!

Honestly, when I spend time thinking about my deep loss, I cry and can hardly breath. When I think of her gain, and let my mind imagine what it is like for her, it moves me in the direction of peace.

Would I rather have Becca here with me? Absolutely, especially when I think about how much I miss her and all the things she is not, or will not, be part of as I continue living here on earth.  But since I have resigned myself to the fact that it isn’t going to happen, I have gotten to the point of enjoying picturing her in heaven, imagining the fun she is having, the people she is meeting and hanging out with, what her mansion might be like, etc.

  1. God IS always good. And good doesn’t mean I always get what I want. Good means that He sees what we cannot see, and knows what we don’t know, and sometimes allows natural consequences to take affect because of that.

And in His goodness, He made a way for death not to be final. Plus, He not only walks with us, He will carry us if needed, while offering everything we need as we travel through this very deep, very dark valley.

In other words, we need to see God as one who comes along beside us with deep sorrow and compassion, not as someone to blame who caused the death of our child. It is really helpful when we see God as the rescuer in our story, rather than the cause of our pain by something he did or didn’t do.

Asking God to make a shift in our perspective is so important. When I asked Him to do that for me, one of the biggest shifts God made for me that I so desperately needed was when I thought about getting further and further away from Becca. I could work myself up into hardly being able to breathe when I thought about moving into the new year without her, and then thinking about being three years, five years, ten or twenty years here without her. God spoke to my heart and told me that I wasn’t getting further away from her, but each year (and each day) I am getting closer to her!

Wow! Now I could appreciate that for sure! Every day I am here, every year that goes by, I am that much closer to seeing Becca and being with her again. Thank you, God for Your goodness in changing how I see it, and for making it possible.

What do you need to see differently? Maybe it’s every part of it and you don’t even know where to start. That’s okay. God knows. Just break through whatever is holding you back and ask Him.

 

Another thing that helps, is to find ways to honor your child to keep their memory alive so that others will know who he or she is. To receive a list of Ten Ways to Honor the Life of Your Child, just submit your name and email below. You will also begin to receive each Wednesday our Weekly Word of Hope. (No spamming, we promise!)

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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Making Hard Choices Within Our Grief

When our child died, it was obviously not our choice!

Going through the darkness of grief is not our choice.

The pain that cannot be described is not our choice.

The way our brain is scrambled for so long and we can’t think straight is not our choice.

I could go on, but you know exactly what I am talking about.

Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts to getting off the path of this nightmarish journey we found ourselves thrown onto.

But I am not here to talk about the things we can’t control and the choices we cannot make. I want to talk about the choices we can make.

At the beginning, grief takes over EVERYTHING. But as the weeks and months go by, we find ourselves able to make small choices. We may choose to cook a somewhat decent meal instead of having fast food again or a bowl of cereal. We might choose to try and go out for coffee with a friend (in public). We might choose to pick up our Bible and try to read it (and sometimes put it right back down, for various reasons).

I want to help you move forward when you get to that point of being able to start making some choices, because some of those can be major, such as choosing to stay mad at God and blaming Him and refusing to allow Him to ease the pain in your heart that keeps you an angry, bitter person. (Ouch! Yes, I said it…)

Here is a key that may help you unlock some of those choices you need or want to make.

Instead of choosing to be against something, choose to be for something.

For instance, you can choose to be against facing another week because you can’t bear being away from your child for longer than you already have. Or you can choose to be for going through this next week because it gets you that much closer to being reunited with your child.

You can choose to be against spending time with a friend, because you feel guilty for doing something that might be kind of fun when your child can’t have any fun with his or her friends any more. Or you could choose to be for spending time with your friend, because you might get a chance to talk about your son or daughter with someone who will listen. Or because having an enjoyable evening might be like a needed medicine to your soul. Or because you can picture your child watching you enjoy yourself, and seeing you smile (and maybe even laugh), realizing it would make them happy instead of seeing you so horribly angry and miserable.

It can help even more to take just a minute and write down at least one thing (or a list of things) you are going to do your best to choose to do for something, instead of continuing to choose against something.

I did that recently, after being prompted by my friend Mary. One of the things I specifically wrote down in my list was, “I choose to be a size 10/12.” As Becca went through her severe illness and after she died, I allowed food to be a comfort and a distraction for me, gaining a good thirty pounds, becoming the heaviest I have ever been (including my five pregnancies). I have not been able to get it off for the last three to four years. Truthfully, I have not been motivated enough to want to stop eating sweets and other unhealthy foods enough to follow through. Until now. Since I wrote that down, I am ecstatic that I am down over ten pounds and still going!

Go ahead and write it out. I choose to _______________________.

And if you can’t think of how to flip it around to do it for a good reason, ask the Holy Spirit to show you one. (My motivation to choose to finally get serious about my unhealthy eating is being able to fit into the mother-of-the-bride gown I wore to Becca’s wedding for the red-carpet Author Academy Awards in which my book When Tragedy Strikes is a finalist.)

And with that, I choose to be for climbing into bed , tired but at a fairly decent hour (which means staying focused on working my way through today’s heavy schedule) instead of being against my day, feeling like it is out of control with too much going on (which means distracting myself from what I should be doing and climbing into bed exhausted because it is extremely late by the time I get everything done).

So, what are you going to be for, instead of against, that will help you move toward light and life? I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

We are coming up on the holiday season, when there are many events that are difficult to attend. If you would like a list of ideas on how to handle these events, just let us know and we would be happy to send it to you.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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