Does healing mean letting go of your child? For many of us, healing after child loss can feel frightening because we wonder what it will mean for the love and connection we still carry. Sometimes that question comes when we have laughed and then felt guilty afterward. Sometimes, it comes when we realize we enjoyed a family gathering, even though our child wasn’t there.
Or perhaps someone has told us it is time to move on, and we wonder whether healing is supposed to mean talking about our child less or putting that part of our life behind us.
If you have wondered about this, I want to answer clearly: Healing does not mean letting go of your child.
Healing After Child Loss Does Not End Our Love
People mean different things when they talk about “letting go.” There may be things we eventually need help releasing, such as the belief that we should have been able to prevent our child’s death or the guilt we feel when we have a good day. But our child is not something we need to release.
We don’t have to loosen our hold on our love for them in order to receive help from God or begin living again.
I am still Becca’s mom. She is still my daughter. Her death changed our relationship in a way I never wanted or imagined, but it did not end my love for her or remove her place in our family.
I still miss hearing her voice and her laugh. I miss the conversations we would be having now and seeing her name come up on my phone. There are times when something happens and I know exactly what she would have thought about it. I want to pick up the phone and tell her, and then I feel the absence of a conversation we can no longer have here.
People understand that we miss our child at weddings and holidays. But so much of loving someone happens in the middle of an ordinary day. It is sharing something funny, asking what they think, or hearing about their life. It may even be a little habit that used to irritate us but that we would give almost anything to experience again.
We Miss the Person They Would Be Today
We miss more than the child we knew. We also miss the person they would be today.
I watch my four surviving children grow and change, and I am grateful that I get to share their lives with them. At the same time, I wonder what Becca would be like now. What would be happening in her life? What would our conversations sound like at this stage? Those questions are part of missing her too.
Whatever age your child was when they died, there was more life you expected to share. Their absence is felt in what you knew and loved and in all that you expected to come.
Continuing to miss them is part of healing after child loss. When a parent says, “I still miss my child,” even after many years, that does not tell us whether they have healed. Of course they miss their child. They are still a parent who loves them.
Enjoying Life Does Not Mean Leaving Your Child Behind
We may be sitting with family, laughing together, and suddenly realize we have been happy for a little while. For some of us, that realization brings guilt. How could I be happy when my child isn’t here? If I can enjoy this, am I leaving them behind?
I have been fifteen years without Becca now. I love my husband, my surviving children, and my grandchildren. I am thankful for the life God has given me and for where He has brought me. And there are still moments in the middle of something wonderful when I think, I wish Becca were here.
I can be glad for everyone around the table and wish she was sitting there too. Enjoying what is happening does not mean I have stopped missing her. Missing her does not mean I am unable to enjoy the people who are with me. There is room in my heart for both.
Someone may hesitate to say our child’s name during a happy occasion because they are afraid it will make us sad. But we have not forgotten that our child died. Very often, we are already thinking about them.
Maybe your child would have loved the fireworks everyone is watching or had a way of making everyone laugh at a holiday meal. Being able to say so allows them to remain part of the family conversation. You don’t have to hide one part of your heart in order to share another.
Our Love Is Not Measured by Our Pain
Healing after child loss does not require the empty place where our child should be to disappear. I do not expect Becca’s place in my heart or in our family to disappear. I would not want it to.
The pain of missing her is different from what it was in the first months and years, when I sometimes wondered how I would keep breathing through it. But I still wish we had more time together, and I always will. That does not mean I have failed to heal. It means I continue to love my daughter.
For some pareavors, the possibility of the pain easing can feel frightening. We become so used to feeling our child’s absence through pain that we wonder whether we would somehow be farther away from them if it eased.
Our love for our child is not measured by how much we hurt on any given day. A day when you laugh does not erase a day when you cried. If the ache becomes less constant, your child does not become less important.
You can still speak their name, tell their stories, and carry something they taught you into the way you love someone else. You don’t have to turn any of that into a project or do something impressive with your grief. Your child’s life matters because they lived, and they will always be part of your life.
Making Room for Life at Your Own Pace
If you cannot imagine enjoying life again right now, please don’t hear my experience fifteen years later as a standard you must reach by a certain time. We cannot force ourselves to feel ready before we are ready or decide one morning that we are finished grieving.
Healing after child loss holds the possibility that the pain you feel today may not always fill every moment in the same way. One day you may have room to breathe, to laugh and to look forward to tomorrow. None of that asks you to love your child less.
I believe God can help us in this place where we love our child so deeply and still need to keep living here. His grace can meet us in our grief. We do not have to let go of our child before we can receive it.
Perhaps for now you can allow someone who loves you to sit with you, pray for you or hold on to hope when you cannot hold it for yourself. And if you are beginning to find moments you want to live, you are allowed to welcome them.
Your child’s place in your heart is safe. You can carry your love for them with you into every day that is still ahead.
Helping Others Understand What We Carry
The thoughts shared here come from two chapters in the newly released (on October 12, 2026) second edition of Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: “We Never Stop Missing Our Child” and “Choosing Life Again.” I wrote this book to help family members, friends and church communities understand what we carry after the death of our child and how to offer support that meets us where we are.
For pareavors, it can also be reassuring to see experiences and feelings we struggle to explain put into words. My hope is that this book will help you feel understood and help those who love you recognize that healing does not mean leaving your child behind. You can learn more about Come Grieve Through Our Eyes: How to Support a Bereaved Parent After Child Loss by clicking here.
For more on the fears and guilt that can come with healing, listen to episode 369 of the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, “Does Healing Mean Letting Go of Our Child?”
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 369. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
Find out more about The GPS Hope Grief Cruise in October, 2027.
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AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
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