Facing fear after the death of a child is something I believe every pareavor understands. After our child dies, fears suddenly show up that we may never have struggled with before. I know for me, after Becca died, one of those fears was the fear of losing another child.
Fear brings torment, and as parents grieving the earthly loss of our child, it is easy to feel the full weight of that torment. We can become afraid of moving forward with our lives because we worry that people will forget our child ever lived. We fear there may be moments when we don’t think about our child every second, and somehow that feels wrong. Some of us are afraid to laugh or enjoy life again because it can feel like a betrayal of the child we miss so deeply.
Then there are the fears we may not always talk about out loud; fears about our other children, fears about the future, and even fears about eternity.
When Fear Begins Controlling Our Lives
One thing I have realized is that if we are afraid of something, it begins to have power over us. If we become afraid to face the pain of our grief and work our way through it, fear can quietly begin controlling our thoughts, our emotions, and even the decisions we make.
As grieving parents, that makes sense. We have already experienced the worst pain imaginable. Of course we become vulnerable to fear. Child loss changes us forever.
But there is something more powerful than our deepest fears, and that is the love of God.
The Bible tells us that God’s perfect love casts out fear. I know that can be difficult to reconcile after the death of our child. It is hard to understand how a God who loves us could allow something so devastating to happen. I do not have easy answers for that, and I never want to give shallow responses to such deep pain.
What I have come to is this: either I believe God is still good, or I don’t. Either I trust that He is bigger than what I can understand right now, or I allow fear and confusion to consume me.
I still choose to believe that God is bigger.
A Shift in Perspective
One thing that has helped me while facing fear after the death of a child has been learning to shift my perspective.
Some bereaved parents do not like the phrase “losing a child” because they know exactly where their child is. I understand that completely. Personally, I know I have lost Becca from this earth, but she is not missing. She is absent from me for now, but present with the Lord.
That perspective changes things for me.
I can focus only on the pain that my daughter is no longer physically here, or I can remind myself that someday I will see her again and then we will never be separated. That does not remove the pain, but it helps remove some of the torment that fear tries to bring.
Perspective really does matter.
Bringing Our Fears to God
Another thing that makes a huge difference for me is prayer. Being able to take my fears and needs to God keeps me from feeling completely helpless in a situation that I have no control over.
For years I have said Jesus is not a crutch to me; He is my wheelchair. That has become even more true since the death of my daughter.
God is not asking us to pretend that we are not afraid. He already knows every fear we carry. He wants us to bring those fears honestly to Him, even the ones we wish we didn’t have. As we do that, fear slowly begins losing its grip on us.
Facing fear after the death of a child does not mean we never struggle. It means we continue turning toward God in the middle of our struggle.
Refusing to Stay Frozen
There was a time God spoke something very strongly to my heart: “Don’t look back.”
He reminded me of Lot’s wife, who looked back and became frozen in place. I knew God was showing me that if I constantly stayed focused on the crushing blow of Becca’s death, I would become emotionally stuck there, too.
That does not mean we stop loving our child or stop grieving. We will always love and miss them. But there is a difference between remembering our child and becoming trapped in fear, unable to move forward in life at all.
I believe God wants us to live. Not just survive, but truly live again, even while carrying the sorrow of missing our child.
Fear or Faith
One thing I often remind myself is that fear and faith both require believing in something we cannot see. It is our belief in the unknown.
I can choose to live in fear for my future, or I can choose to live in faith for my future; that God is already there and will help me through anything else that comes my way.
Fear believes in the darkness of “what if.”
Faith believes that God will still be faithful to hold me, no matter what happens.
I have chosen to believe that if more tragedy ever touches my life, God will give me the grace I need to walk through it. Why spend my days consumed with fear over things that may never happen? I would rather live focused on the hope and light God still has for me.
That does not mean I no longer have painful moments. I still miss Becca deeply. There are still days when grief hits hard. But I refuse to remain focused only on what has been taken from me. I have given God the shattered pieces of my life, and I am watching Him gently bring beauty, strength and purpose out of those broken places.
Only God can do that.
If you are struggling with fear today, I want to encourage you not to hide from it and not to carry it alone. Bring those fears honestly before God. He is not afraid of your questions, your tears, or your pain. Even in this journey none of us would have chosen, He is still near, and He will continue walking with you one step at a time.
NOTE: This was partially taken from the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast episode 349. Click here to listen to the full discussion, or look for the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast on your favorite listening app.
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If you’re walking this road after the loss of your child and would like something to come alongside you, I’ve created a gentle resource from my own journey that you are welcome to download below.
AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, LAURA DIEHL, has written several impactful books that provide comfort and guidance to those navigating the painful journey of child loss, after the death of her own daughter in 2011. Her most acclaimed work, When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child, has received multiple accolades, including the 2017 Gold Medal Centauri Christian Book Award for Non-Fiction and a Silver Medal in the 2018 Illumination Awards. Several of her other books have won awards as well.
In addition to her writing, Laura is an ordained minister and has an extensive background in international children’s ministry. She is a sought-after speaker and singer at grief conferences and churches, known for her compassionate approach and deep understanding of the grieving process, especially the unique loss of a child. Through her weekly award-winning podcast, her writings, and other resources provided by GPS Hope, Laura and her husband, Dave, continue to provide hope and healing to thousands of parents worldwide, helping them find light in the midst of profound loss and darkness.
For more information about Laura’s award-winning books go to gpshope.org/books.
To find out more about Laura Diehl and the ministry of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) visit gpshope.org.
The link to Hope for the Future is an affiliate link, allowing part of the purchase price to go to GPS Hope.
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