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Episode 5: Forgiving the Person Responsible

Season Topic: The Many Facets of Forgiveness

 

This week, we discuss forgiving the guilty; those who had a hand in our child’s death, whether it was directly or indirectly.

Your two choices
  • You can keep dwelling on it, rehearsing all the reasons why you should remain bitter and why that person does not deserve to be forgiven.
  • You can choose to release that person in your thoughts and forgive them (which does not mean you are okay with what they did and there is no need for justice, especially if it is an issue where the law is involved).
Forgiveness is for YOU

We might say or think, “I can’t forgive.” The truth is, we won’t forgive because we feel justified in blaming and making someone pay for what they did. Refusing to forgive is not hurting them; it is hurting you like a cancer eating you up and killing your soul. It is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. As long as you hold onto unforgiveness, you are chained to that person, being dragged around with your anger and bitterness.

Forgiveness does not depend on whether or not a person deserves that forgiveness. It isn’t even based on if they are sorry for what they have done. Forgiving that person is not offering them a way out; you are giving yourself a gift. A gift you deserve to have and unwrap!

Becca’s doctor

Hear about the person Laura finds herself needing to forgive multiple times, that probably caused Becca’s death and what he did.

How do I forgive them?

It is so very worth fighting through to be set free in this area, so we spend a bit of time on this question. First, we need to realize and accept that it is a conscious decision we make that goes beyond our feelings, and that it won’t be a one-time thing, but a process. We discuss how Jesus was able to forgive, and a specific insight is shared that can help us follow His example.

It helps to do an action

Quite often we need to do something tangible or take an action to put us on the needed path to forgive the person who caused our child’s departure from this earth. In this podcast, several suggestions on what to do are made, including speaking your forgiveness out loud. To have all of the prayers talked about in this series on forgiveness, submit your name and email address below.

As you determine in your heart to take these steps, God will be faithful to meet you. You will find yourself having to forgive this person less often, until one day you suddenly realize you truly have forgiven them and are free of the painful grip they once had on you.

Birthdays:

Kyle Terry was born on 5/24/90 and is forever 28.

Each week I will announce the birthdays coming up of our children who are no longer here, so that our listeners can remember them with you. If you would like your child added to the list click here to fill out the needed information.

The full song I Remember Well (which is the background song during the birthday segment) can be heard here.

Links referred to in this episode

GPS Hope & Healing Retreat: To find out about the retreat in Iowa (or any other upcoming GPS Hope & Healing retreats) where you can be ministered to body, soul and spirit, click here.

Pay it Forward: If GPS Hope has brought you hope and light in your grief journey, please consider helping us reach more grieving parents who find themselves hurled onto this same unwanted path. Click here to support GPS Hope monthly or to give a special gift.

And please remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

 

You are safe here. No masks needed…

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose. This is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgement in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

To have Laura come and speak or sing at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

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What I Have Learned About Submission After 35 Years of Marriage

A Marriage that Stands the Test of Time

It was a holy moment in time, but I was so young, I didn’t understand that part of it.

Thirty-five years ago, I walked down the aisle and gave myself to David Diehl, and he gave himself to me (on April 28, 1984).

God made the two of us one that day, but it has been up to us to live that oneness out, in cooperation with Him. I will be the first one to admit how much of a challenge that has been for me at times. For instance, I want everything done the right way (meaning “MY way”). Can anyone else relate? I have had to learn how often there is no right or wrong way. It is just a different way.

And even more importantly, I have had to work through the true meaning of submission in a marriage. Most of us are familiar with the scripture in Ephesians 5 that talks about how the husband is the head of the wife and the wife needs to submit to her husband – some even say obey her husband.

The most common interpretation is that it means the husband is the commander-in-chief of the family, and everyone is to blindly follow with a, “Yes, sir!“ after receiving their marching orders. Believe it or not, I have been told that if the husband is wrong, he will answer to God for it and the wife is off the hook, because she was just submitting to her husband like she was supposed to. Say what????

And what if your husband doesn’t have that lion “type A” personality of barking out orders and expecting everybody else to follow them? For many years I struggled because I bought in to that view of the husband being “the priest of the home” (which you will not find in scripture, by the way). There were many times I dishonored my husband because he wasn’t out there in front of us forcing our family into some Christian mold.

Our entire marriage, Dave has walked in love, continually laying his life down for me as Christ laid down His life for the church (also in Ephesians 5 in the same set of scriptures that tells the wife to submit to her husband).

No matter how I tried to guilt him or how I disrespected him, he just kept walking in love. He has remained patient, and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude… (1 Corinthians 13). Okay, he isn’t a saint and perfect, doing it all the time, but it takes a lot for him to stray from that and give in to his flesh.

Oftentimes love and meekness can be misinterpreted as weakness. I am very sorry to say that I was guilty of that misinterpretation for a long time, and it affected our marriage. In Ephesians 5:33 I am told to respect my husband. As long as I misinterpreted the Scriptures to mean my husband was supposed to have a stronger personality than me, taking authority by putting his foot down and telling us what-is-what (especially spiritually) I struggled.

Doesn’t that sound crazy? But that is exactly what many of us wives have been told the Bible says our husbands should do. Wow! Is anyone else seeing something not quite right with this picture?

Praise God for always being willing to open our eyes to see truth when we truly want to see it. A few years ago, my eyes were opened to see how a marriage that is functioning in the fullness God intended for it to be, is a marriage that is in co-submission. As Dave says, “A Godly marriage is both people coming under submission to the Holy Spirit in each other.”

It is said that we are usually attracted to someone who has an opposite personality from ours. So if the husband has the strong personality, he is usually attracted to a woman who is on the quieter side. It is just a natural desire of wanting some balancing in our lives that attracts us to that person with an opposite personality. So what happens when the woman is the one with the strong personality, and the husband is the one on the quieter side with the serving heart and who has a calling to support others from behind?

Dave and I have discovered through experience (unfortunately) that often times those marriages are mislabeled as the wife having a Jezebel spirit. That happened to us, and that mislabel tried to destroy our marriage. But it is also what finally opened my eyes to see the truth of Ephesians 5, and to learn how to walk in the fullness of it.

There were many years of struggle, caused by my misunderstanding of expecting my husband to get in front and drag me and my family where we should be, instead of allowing Dave to be who God created him to be within our marriage, as a laid-back, calm, supportive-from-behind person. Even so, I still knew better than to be rebellious and go against what he would want me to do or not do. Were there times I got in the flesh and tried to manipulate my way into what I wanted? Definitely. But that was my own battle with my own flesh, not what has been mislabeled as a Jezebel spirit. (If you want to see what Jesus himself says is a Jezebel spirit, you can read it for yourself in Revelation 2:20. It has nothing to do with a woman controlling, manipulating and usurping the authority of a man in the way it is used and abused in the church today.)

My husband has always nourished me and cherished me. He has never put demands on me or coerced me to do what he wanted me to do out of anger or intimidation. And he has never hit me over the head with Ephesians 5, telling me that my role in the marriage is to submit to him no matter what. By the way, true submission is an act of my will, not being forced to obey like a parent with a child.

Woman was created from the rib in Adam’s side. It was the curse that put man as a ruler over women (Genesis 3:16). As Christians, we are no longer under the curse, and I am to be a helpmate to my husband, walking side-by-side with him. Neither one of us is in front with the other behind.

So here I am, thirty-five years later from the day that I said “I do” to my new husband, in a vow before God. I sit in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in our lives, and in our marriage. I am thanking God for this holy union; for it is truly holy, as God Himself is in the center. My husband has made sure of it, beyond what I or “man” may think or misinterpret as truth.

If you find yourself in the situation I was for many years, take it to God and allow him to show you truth. Open the word to Ephesians chapter 5, realizing that all the numbers for chapters and verses was put in there by man as a point of reference. God did not put in those separations. So instead of reading it based on the heading someone decided to put above a section, or reading it by separating each verse by the numbers in front of it, read through the entire chapter five so that you can read it in context and just flow right in to chapter 6. (Or read the entire letter written to the Ephesians since it really isn’t that long.) Read it like it was written with the flow of the Holy Spirit through the whole thing, not chopped up by chapters, verses and headings.

One thing you will discover is that right before God tells wives to submit to their own husbands as to the Lord, He says to submit to one another in the fear of God. Submission is something God intended to be a two-way lifestyle.

Based on this Scripture and others, man is not to dominate his wife, but he is to cherish her and submit to the Holy Spirit in his wife, as the wife also submits to the Holy Spirit in her husband in respect and honor.

My husband has been a living example of that for 35 years. Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) would not exist if he took a dominating role in our marriage. Dave takes seriously the fact that God says he is the head of our marriage. That is why he prays and allows God to lead our marriage, and why he has gotten behind me, helping to release what God put in me as I directly minister to grieving parents through my writing, speaking, coaching and other avenues. And I pray that we will have many more years to live out this incredible life of love, co-submission, and holiness in our marriage.

I would love to hear from you. To those with a marriage like mine (with the strong out-going wife and the calm and reserved husband), has this been a new revelation on how blessed you are to have your husband just the way he is?

I would also love to hear from those of you who have seen this truth of co-submission at work in your marriage.

Please note: I understand there will be those who disagree with this. If you want to express your disagreement in the comments below, I respect that. However, I reserve the right to delete any comments I feel are inappropriate, full of anger or malice, or do not serve the purpose of encouragement and edification.

 

Laura Diehl is an award-winning author, national speaker and singer. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests.

If you would like to receive monthly updates on their travel adventures click here and submit your name and email at the bottom of the page.

 

Looking for a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference? Click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook and subscribe to the GPS Hope YouTube channel for grieving parents.

 

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Three Ways to Face Bittersweet Events as a Bereaved Parent

When our child passes through this life ahead of us, the pain is more than can be put into words. But as life around us goes on, we eventually (and I use that word very loosely) learn how to function with that piece of our heart missing.

But every event that should be worth celebrating, is now bittersweet.

Getting together for the holidays will forever be bittersweet. Yes, we can be grateful and enjoy those who are gathered there. and even have moments of fun and laughter when we are all together, but whether we say it or not, in our hearts there is an undercurrent of pain, knowing we aren’t really all together. For instance, as we watch the next generation of cousins enjoying each other, we are blatantly reminded that our child is not there with them. No matter how much we love our family and are happy to be together, we hurt because our child will always be missing. Bittersweet.

Graduations, school dances, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, birthday parties, weddings, baby showers…all of these and many more celebration events and milestones can be overshadowed with a reminder of who is not there and be bittersweet.

Our middle son will be the only one of the siblings who had all five of them present at his wedding. The other four will be missing their sister, both at the event, and in the family wedding photos. Bittersweet.

Almost one year to the day of Becca’s death, we had the blessing of a new little granddaughter coming into this world. She was given the name of Becca as a second middle name. Very bittersweet. And since then we’ve had three more grandchildren born into our family. Every day a grandchild makes his or her entrance into the world is miraculously wonderful, but we can’t help but also feel the deep sting that someone important is missing, as Becca is not there as a newly proud aunt. Bittersweet.

What I have found is that the sweeter the moment in life, the opposite is also true; the deeper the sting is in our hearts because our child isn’t with us to share that moment.

Is there anything we can do to ease that sting?

When those grief waves come, I will be one of the first ones to tell you it is important to lean into it, allowing yourself to feel the pain, like a valve allowing the pressure of grief to be released. And the fresher the loss, the more painful pressure there is that needs to go somewhere. In fact, it may be one constant release for weeks and months.

But we all come to a point somewhere down this road, where we get to make a choice. Am I going to keep that painful loss in the forefront of my life, leaning into the bitterness of my earthly loss, or am I going to find ways to lean into the sweetness of life that is still all around me?

If you are ready to move further away from the bitter, here are three suggestions to help lean into the sweet, during those bittersweet events.

  1. When I feel the heaviness of grief trying to come in, I will pause and think of my beautiful Becca in heaven, dancing on two legs, with Jesus. She is in the greatest celebration of all (which means she is not really missing out on much here compared to what she is experiencing). I will remind myself that this earth is not my permanent home. “For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18). I tell myself that at some point, life on this earth won’t matter, and we will all be united for eternity. What a glorious day that will be!

Focusing on my child’s gain, and the fact that this world is not permanent, allows me to lean away from the bitter and into the sweetness of the moment.

  1. It helps when the family makes sure the memory of our child is kept alive at these events. Since I have written about this before, I won’t go into it here. One is Three Ways To Help a Bereaved Parent During the Holidays and another is Five Suggestions for Bereaved Parents Who Have Been Told, “You Should Be Over This By Now” (specifically point number 4).
  1. Connect with other pareavors (bereaved parents) who can let you know that all of those crazy thoughts and emotions you have (that make you think you are a horrible person) are NORMAL for a parent who has lost a child.

Below are some actual quotes from grieving parents that you might be able to relate to.

It has been three years, and when I hear of the ones around me talking about doing or seeing things with their family, it still just sends me into a roller coaster.

The hardest days I’ve lived with in the past almost five years (besides the initial shock and despair) following my daughter’s murder? When her younger siblings caught up to, and then passed her in age.

Does anyone else find it hard to be happy for someone who is expecting when your heart is permanently broken??

When people ask how I am doing I just say fine, because the very few times I’ve broken down and told the truth they didn’t want to hear it!! So unless it’s a really bad day and I can’t hold the tears back, I just lie and say I’m fine!!  

I can’t remember people’s names… I keep thinking that I have dementia… so many have given up on us because we don’t follow through with invitations, answer every phone call and text…

But, be sure the pareavors you connect to are not ones who are stuck and tell you that you will be also, but those who will light your path with hope that it is possible to get through this, such as the following:

I have lost 3 children to death too soon. I realized the more I wished for the day to be over, and praying the next day would be better, that I am letting my days slip away. We are not promised tomorrow so I must learn how to live … It’s our personal choice as life stops for no one.

 …I remember feeling guilty the first day I didn’t feel crushing heartbreak. But then I remembered that my daughter was laughter and life and light. I began to find ways to fill my days with those…

…it has been 9 yrs since my oldest son passed in a wreck, and today I laugh again. You will laugh again, you will smile again, you will feel joy again… it’s a very black journey for most of us, but we do get thru it. It’s different for everyone, we all react differently to things, but this is one thing the most of us moms agree on, we could not have gotten thru it without each other’s help and shoulders to cry on; the wisdom of the mothers who had gone thru it before us.

 …She has been gone now for longer than she lived. My life has not stood still; my grief did not hold its shape like concrete. It is a process through which we move, and we return to joy of a different kind, laced with gratitude for what we’ve had and what we still have… Choose to heal, and you will. Intend it! Then follow the path, step by step, until you’re there.

This whole bittersweet thing is part of our lives now, whether we want it to be or not. I love how this parent describes it:

Losing a child splits you in two. You are never whole again and that’s ok. You are like a great oak tree, and the loss of a child is like lightning that strikes the oak, splitting and burning the bark, leaving the strong tree still alive but damaged forever. The tree doesn’t die, it can’t; it’s needed to go on and provide life for so many others who love it and depend on the tree. Going on with your life, honors your child. You keep their memory alive…

When we do choose to move toward a measure of healing, desiring to bring laughter and joy into our lives once again, it is hard work. It is a battle. It can be exhausting. Choosing to focus on the blessings we have, and leaning into the sweet, instead of the bitter, can be extremely difficult.

But it can be done, and it is so very worth it! Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) we pray that you choose life, and to connect with us to walk with you on that journey.

The quotes in this blog were taken from Come Grieve Through My Eyes: How to Give Comfort and Support to Bereaved Parents by Taking a Glimpse into Our Hidden World. Many bereaved parents have endorsed this book, saying how much it helped them to understand their own grief.

We would like to directly offer this book to our readers for half price! It is your choice for the eBook only $3, or a signed paperback copy only $5 (plus S/H). This is limited to one per person, but you can let your friends and family know about it, to get their own copy. 

For the eBook (pdf version for only $3) click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Three Things a New Year Brings to Grieving Parents

The new year is now upon us. For most people, anything that is new evokes a measure of excitement with possibilities, especially a new year.

But for those who have had to face the darkness of the death of their child, new can bring almost a panicked feeling, as if we are leaving our child behind. This especially applies to the new year for those who lost their child within the past year.

 

My daughter, Becca, died on October 12, 2011. I remember feeling almost terrified that I couldn’t stop 2012 from coming, which meant I would no longer be in the same year I last shared with my daughter. It felt like another level of shutting the door on her life that I just wasn’t going to let happen. I know I don’t have to explain it to those who have lost a child, and it really can’t be explained to those who have not.

Since that time, I have come to learn that the word new doesn’t have to fill our hearts with dread and sadness. But that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle going into a new year. And as we go along, some years can be harder than others, for no apparent reason.

I wanted to share some things that a new year brings to bereaved parents, so that we can know that it isn’t just us, but that the same things affect many of us who have had a child die. It also gives an opportunity for those around us to have a better understanding of what it means for a bereaved parent to go into a new year without our child.

1. We are reminded of our intense need for others to talk about our child
2. We find ourselves with a new resolve to not leave our child behind and to find ways to honor their life
3. We renew our desperate desire for feeling less pain and sadness in our grief

Talking About Our Child

Many people around us seem to think if they bring up our deceased child that it will remind us of our loss, resulting in pain and maybe even tears.

News flash: We are already thinking of our child, and we are still hurting deeply! So, if someone mentions our child, it does just the opposite; it is a gift we are being given that our child has not been forgotten.

The other side of that is not understanding why people get freaked out when we talk about our child. As a parent, just because our child isn’t around us, doesn’t mean we don’t talk about them. It is the same for those of us whose child has died. Our children have just traveled to a place further away than most children who might take a trip. And they won’t be returning to us here; we will be going to meet them some day. But they still exist, they are still deeply loved, and they will remain in our hearts and minds until we are with them again.

The Need to Honor the Life of Our Child

When our child dies, for the first couple of years at least, our hearts are fighting to accept what our minds know. That causes us to be almost fixated on their death, which people around us usually think is wrong and unhealthy.

But the only way we can get through the darkness of our suffocating grief is to lean into it, feeling the pain of it over and over again, as our heart and soul tries to convince our minds that it just isn’t true. The pain of accepting that the death of our child is a reality is just too painful to deal with, so it is an internal struggle that affects us in every area, including mentally and physically. The internal bleeding of our souls takes a long time to be stitched up, so we can begin what would be termed as the “healing process.” (Although we never really heal. It is more like a chronic pain that is always with us. We just learn how to manage it over the years.)

And in that process, we realize we don’t want their death to be what others remember about our child, but we want to find a way that honors the fact that our child lived. (If you would like some ideas on ways to do this, see below.)

Getting Past the Intense Pain and Darkness

Here is where we must be honest with ourselves in whether we want to get past this part of our grief. As we know, there are so many reasons (that won’t make sense to those who have not lost a child) that deep down, cause us to be afraid to take steps toward hope, light, and living a life of purpose and fulfillment. The two most common reasons are that we feel guilty for even wanting to enjoy life again, and we are afraid that we are leaving our child behind by moving forward.

And to help you with that, I would like to give some suggestions to move you in the direction of seeing things with a slightly different view.

1. We aren’t just facing a new year, but it is a new month. And a new month often brings new weather. And because it is January, it means we are moving toward spring! Those of us who are in the cold northern states truly appreciate this. Yes, I understand that winter has just begun, and I know how winter makes everything look so dead (depending on where we live), and it can really affect our mood. However, it is just a season, and new life always returns, no matter how harsh or how long the winter has been.

So, it is a wonderful reminder that no matter how long or how deep into darkness our grief has taken us, spring IS coming at some point, with new life and new hope.

2. A new year brings new opportunities. Some of you may not see that as a good thing, but it does bring new opportunities to do something different that will possibly take some of the sting away. If you know it is going to be difficult, ask yourself what you can do differently that will help. Maybe you can change the focus from dwelling on your painful loss to thinking about your child’s gain and do what you can to picture them in heaven and what it is like for them.

When you have to go to an event you are dreading, what can you do to bring your child with you and have others celebrate their life with you for a moment? (Here is a blog I wrote with specific ideas on how to do that.)

So, it does bring new opportunities to move toward a healing that allows you to learn how to live in hope, light, and even move toward having meaning and purpose again. You may think that is impossible, but those of us who thought it was impossible for us as well are here to encourage you.

3. Sometimes we dread going forward, because we feel like it is taking us further away from our child who has left this earth. I have shared this before, but it is worth repeating. God graciously pointed out to me once (when I was feeling that way) that I am not getting further away from Becca, but I am getting closer to her. Each day I am here brings me one day closer to being reunited with her again!

So, a new year brings us that much closer to seeing our children again. Hoorah!!!!

New is a word that can mean hope.

A new year can bring new hope, new light, new life and new possibilities.

How about you? Do you want this coming year to be where you move away from fear and move into peace and a greater measure of healing for your shattered heart? If so, then let’s do this together!

If you would like a list of ideas on how to honor the life of your child, just let us know and we will be happy to send it your way.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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The Holiday Season vs. Grief

The holiday season brings many emotions to the surface, doesn’t it? And if you have lost someone who was dear to you from this earth within the past year, it can easily evoke dark, painful emotions you may have never experienced before.

For those who have faced a deep loss, the holidays are a reminder of your missing loved one. Some don’t even want to acknowledge Thanksgiving Day or Christmas, as the pain of who is missing is greater than the joy of who is still here.

Only those who have experienced this can understand and agree with what I am saying. To those who are blessed to have not yet faced a tragic deep loss, this doesn’t make any sense, which can cause conflict among families, because each person will have a different way of grieving, based on their own personality and their personal relationship with the family member who is now gone.

Most of us try to “enjoy” the season for those around us who weren’t affected as deeply, don’t we? Especially if there are young children or grandchildren around. But it is difficult, because our hearts can be so heavy. Even within the joy of seeing their excitement, there is often an undercurrent of sadness that just won’t seem to go away.

I want to let you know that it is okay, even normal, to have this struggle. And I want to release you from feeling guilty about it. Give yourself grace, just like you would a friend if they were in the same situation.

You see, grief is not an event. Death is an event, but grief is a process. In fact, it is a life-long process.

Some people will parrot the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” I don’t agree. The wounds of having someone very dear to us leave this earth is one that will be with us until it is our turn to leave. BUT that doesn’t mean it will always hurt so deeply. Time will allow the pain to lessen, if we lean into it and allow ourselves to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, holding the hand of the One who can give us the strength we need.

I like to use the acronym for HOPE: Hold On Pain Eases

My oldest daughter, Becca, loved the holidays. She especially loved Christmas. She loved decorating. She loved shopping (including the Black Friday sales). She loved the Christmas music. She loved the family spending time together. She loved everything about it.

When Becca died on October 12, 2011, I don’t even remember that first holiday season. Everything was a painful blur.

I didn’t think it was even possible, but the second year was even more painful than the first. About the only thing I remember about that second holiday season was one of my sons giving me a Christmas gift of a beautiful heart ornament that was hand painted in Becca’s memory.

The following couple of years my heart still struggled to be part of the holiday season. I went through the motions for the sake of the family, especially my grandchildren.

One year, Becca’s collection of Snow Buddies made it to my house, and I agonized over whether I wanted to set out her favorite Christmas display in my home.

I did it.

I cried some pretty hefty tears while pulling them out and setting them up, but once they were all out and displayed, it felt like she wasn’t quite so far away anymore.

I didn’t think it would ever happen, but I realized I was actually making the shift from feeling like the holidays were a slap-in-the-face reminder of my daughter being gone, to wanting the reminders because they had become warm memories I longed to embrace.

There was something behind all of this, that made it even possible.

…HOPE…

  • I had hope that my life would not always be this desolate and painful.
  • I had hope that God had not reached His limit on being able to help me through this suffocating darkness
  • I had hope in God’s resurrection power; that He could and wanted to breathe life back into me, when I felt like I died after the death of my daughter.

 

As the hope I had took root and started to grow, other things began to grow as well.

And believe it or not, this time of year is one of the best times for that growth to happen for those of us who are grieving.

Why?

First, because being grateful opens the door to making a needed shift in our focus. There is no question Thanksgiving is a bittersweet time for anyone who has faced a deep loss. We can’t stop the unexpected grief waves that attack which can make our hearts feel shattered into a million pieces. But after we allow ourselves the needed time to lean into the grief, we can make the decision whether we are going to stay there and wallow in it or take steps to pull ourselves out of the grief pit.

In other words, at some point we get to choose if we are going to dwell on the bitter, or on the sweet. And one of the quickest ways to cross over from the bitter to the sweet is to start listing (literally on paper is best) the good things we have in our lives. It can be as simple as “being able to smell the turkey as it cooks” to something as deep as, “I had twenty-nine wonderful years with her that I will never lose.”

And when it comes to Christmas, the whole reason Jesus came to this earth as a baby was to become a man and die so that we could have Life. God the Father knows what it is like to have someone very close to Him die, as He watched the torturous murder of His Son. He did that as an exchange for us, so that we would not have to stay in our place of suffocating darkness and pain of grief.

Once again, I want to acknowledge that we are going to have many surprise grief attacks that we will need to allow ourselves to lean into fully, whatever that looks like for each of us in that moment. And the fresher the loss, the more of an undercurrent of pain and sadness we will have throughout the season. But we will get to a point (if not this year, then probably within the next year or two) where we can choose whether our main focus is going to be on death, or life.

Our loved one died, but they also lived. Jesus died, so He could bring life. Not just eternal life after we die, but a fulfilled life after a tragic and painful loss. It won’t look the same… we won’t be the same… but we can still have life after death, here on this earth.

So, go ahead and grieve your loss that hurts so deeply. It is okay and necessary to feel that. But also have hope within that grief and remember: Hold On Pain Eases.

 

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If you would like to give a “gift” to your departed loved one this year, you may want to consider sponsoring an “In Loving Memory” heart decal, to be placed on the Hope Mobile. We would be honored to take him or her with us as we travel around the nation, keeping your loved one’s memory alive. (And it would be a gift to GPS Hope as well, since 100% of the proceeds goes directly into helping us continue our full-time ministry.) CLICK HERE to see the heart decals and find out more. 

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • Subscribe  to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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