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118: Tips for Dealing with Guilt After Child Loss

There are two kinds of guilt. One is when we know we have done something wrong and need to do our part to make it right. The second kind is when something happens, and we blame ourselves after the event happened with information we have now that we didn’t have at the time.

Guilt gives us a heavy burden to carry and keeps us stuck in our grief. Feeling guilty about something that happened is not going to change it. Holding on to the guilt will continually drag you down – emotionally, physically and spiritually. We often hang on to guilt as a way of punishing ourselves, especially when an apology or getting answers is not possible.

It is important to release your guilt for many reasons.

In this podcast episode, Laura shares several of those reasons along with some tips to help overcome guilt. She also prays over those who are struggling with releasing themselves from guilt after the death of their child.

 

Links Mentioned in this episode:

Read the blog: Forgiving Yourself After Child Loss

Listen to the podcast episode: Forgiving Yourself

Website: gpshope.org

 

Click here to become a monthly partner, giving hope to other parents, or to give a special gift to keep this podcast going, along with providing  other needed resources to bereaved parents.

(GPS Hope is a 501c3 nonprofit and runs on the financial support of those who believe in passing along the hope they have received to others.)

 

Birthdays:

Oscar Lopez was born on July 26 and is forever 23.

Claire Rebecca was born on July 27 and is forever 5.

Easton Holden was born on July 28 and is forever 5.

Dayne Sturm was born on July 29 and is forever 21.

Whitney Leanne Garkow Seehusen was born on July 30 and is forever 31.

Mitchell Herrmann was born on August 1 and is forever 24.

Christopher Thomas Boseman was born on August 2 and is forever 32.

Travis M. Blair was born on August 9 and is forever 30.

Tony Summers was born on August 9 and is forever 15.

 

If you would like your child mentioned on the podcast the week of his or her birthday, click here to fill out the short form with the needed information.

The special song written for our children’s birthdays I Remember Well can be heard here.

 

Remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

 

To have Laura come and minister at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgment in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

 

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115: Healing Through Rest

The message I kept hearing from many different places for the first two years after my daughter leaving this earth was: Don’t do, just be. I believe it is a message we all need at some point when working our way through the darkness and back into the light.

The death of our child is a trauma, and we have some major healing that needs to occur in every part of us. We need lots of rest physically, emotionally, and spiritually for that to happen, which can be very difficult in our deep grief.

It is a process to learn how to rest in God, learning how to “just be” instead of feeling like we need to be “doing” something (or feeling guilty for not doing more than we are) which is what I talk about in today’s episode.

 

Links Mentioned in this episode:

July Book Special (Purchase When Tragedy Strikes and get another book of your choice for only $5)

More information on the Rebuilding Your Life After Child Loss guidance courses (based on the book When Tragedy Strikes).

Information on joining Laura and GPS Hope on The Grief Cruise.

 

Click here to become a monthly partner, giving hope to other parents, or to give a special gift to keep this podcast going, along with providing  other needed resources to bereaved parents.

(GPS Hope is a 501c3 nonprofit and runs on the financial support of those who believe in passing along the hope they have received to others.)

 

Birthdays:

Andres Martinez was born on July 7 and is forever 21.

Jessica Lynn Szerlong  was born on July 9 and is forever 30.

Stephanie Waters was born on July 10 and is forever 21.

Ethan Barclay-Weberpal was born on July 10 and is forever 18.

Charlie Rhodes was born on July 10 and is forever 9.

Everardo Martinez was born on July 11 and is forever 19.

Clifford Patrick Keenan Jr. was born on July 11 and is forever 24.

Norma Gomez was born on July 11 and is forever 12.

Eric Breslau was born on July 11 and is forever 25.

Hagan Jones was born on July 12 and is forever 20.

 

If you would like your child mentioned on the podcast the week of his or her birthday, click here to fill out the short form with the needed information.

The special song written for our children’s birthdays I Remember Well can be heard here.

 

Remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

 

To have Laura come and minister at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgment in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

 

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Forgiving Yourself After Child Loss

by BJ Jensen

 

Moving beyond guilt is a necessary step in the journey of healing from the loss of a child. This particular part of grief can be the most difficult pain of all to overcome. In order to be free of guilt, it is necessary to ask for forgiveness of God, of your child, of oneself and if appropriate of others who are suffering the loss of your child.

God and your child will always forgive you because they love you and do not want you to continue to suffer guilt and sadness.  They want you to lead a life of purpose with joy.

Others, including a spouse or close relative, may not be willing to forgive right away, perhaps never.  But asking for forgiveness can free you of the burden of quilt, even if others choose not to let go of their grief and hopelessness.

Perhaps the most difficult test is forgiving yourself.  When we refuse to forgive, we are held captive like a convicted criminal.  Not forgiving sentences a person to a horrible life in a prison of our own making – one where we barely exist.  It is difficult but a necessary step in order to move toward the point of healing.  Sometimes forgiving takes the help of a trained professional or counselor.  Are you willing to forgive yourself or do you want to stay captive on a downward-spiraling path of self-loathing?

Many children’s deaths are accidental, and a life can end in only seconds. No parent can completely foolproof a child’s life. The tragic truth is that fatal accidents can and do happen every hour. When this happens, it is very common for a parent to fall into the self-damaging cycle of the “what if” or guilt trap.  Moving through the guilt of this unanswerable question often causes endless tears. Discussing the guilt has helped many parents to move beyond the “what if” trap. Tell those closest to you why you feel guilty, and ask for help. Although you may occasionally get a careless, hurtful response, family and friends will respond most often with compassion. Recognizing and admitting your feelings of guilt is a critical first step.

Put down on paper how you feel. Don’t leave anything out. Plan some sort of “letting go” ritual as a means of moving past your guilt. You might read aloud all of your guilty feelings to your spouse or to two or three close friends and then crumble the paper and toss it into a fire with all of your guilt. As you watch the paper burn, you may begin to feel your heavy burden lighten.

Finally, you must realize that without forgiving yourself, you will never be able to move forward.  You must make a determined effort to not allow yourself to ask the “what if” question. It is a futile question with no answer, and only adds to your grief.

By taking very precise steps to rid yourself of guilt, you will lift a heavy burden and finally be able to move forward in your journey of grief. Once you can move beyond the “what if” trap, you will know that you have successfully gotten rid of the gnawing questions that never really have any answers. Healing is about to begin!

 

This was taken by permission from the book “Finding Hope after the Devastating Loss of Beloved Children” by Dr. Doug and BJ Jensen. 

Doug and BJ Jensen, are International Speakers, award-winning Dramatists, Signing Artists, Song Writers, Drama Writers, and Authors of 16 books. Dr. Jensen earned his PhD in Biblical Studies in the area of Biblical Counseling.  BJ is the Director of the world traveling LOVE IN MOTION Signing Choir and is a writer of 8 stories found in seven of the CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL books.You can contact them at Jensen2@san.rr.com or on their Facebook page: Bj Jensen San Diego. 

 

Do you struggle with guilt from your child’s death? We would like to send you the eBook, Ten Tips to Overcome Guilt. Just submit your name and email address below. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope for bereaved parents (which you can easily unsubscribe from at any time).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Our Grief is a Full-Time Job!

It can be exhausting trying to explain to family and friends why we don’t want to (or can’t) celebrate holidays and special events like we have in the past, especially when they just don’t get it. Friends and family who mean well, can even insist that joining in the celebrations and festivities is just what we need. They tell us it is the best thing we can do to “get back to normal.”

Insert loud “wrong answer” buzzer-sound right about now!

Here is something that might help to explain our grief, if not to others, at least to yourself.

For those first few months up to two or three years, grieving the death of our child is like having a full-time job with overtime! It consumes us. It takes everything we have, whether we want it to or not. It drains us, leaving us to feel like there is just no way we can go on.

Eventually, our grief becomes more like a full-time job, thankfully without all the constant overtime. It usually sneaks up on us around three to five years into our grief, and we don’t even realize it at first.

Grieving the death of our child is still the greatest part of our life. It still drains us and exhausts us, but now we have times of reprieve. We can go out and do something without feeling like we are on the verge of falling apart. We can join certain activities or family events (even if we aren’t ready to stay the whole time) and have some smiles and laughs without feeling guilty. We can watch a movie and actually enjoy it, instead of just staring at the screen, oblivious to what we are watching.

We clock back in to our full-time job of grieving afterwards, but it isn’t all-consuming anymore, although we can still slip into overtime for a few days (even weeks) here and there.

Then, after several years of really hard work, we find ourselves able to go down to part-time grief. However, we are always “on call” because our grief is like an undercurrent, ready to surface in a split second. Sometimes we know there is something coming that will be a trigger, and other times we get slapped with it out of the blue with no warning, in a place we least expect it.

When that happens, we clock back in to increase our grief work time. Sometimes we are clocked in for a few minutes or hours. Sometimes it is for a day or two. And there are occasional times, when we need to go back to full-time, such as when our child should be graduating with their classmates, or a wedding happens that our child would have been in.

And yes, there will still be rare times when we go back to overtime, like the death of another close family member that triggers our deep grief. Eight years after my daughter, Becca, died, I found myself sobbing and wailing at my dad’s casket. I didn’t even do that at Becca’s casket, but when I saw the boutonniere from her wedding pinned to his suit, I just totally lost it. I even knew it was going to be there, but it affected me so much more deeply than I anticipated. I was out-of-sorts for a few weeks, having a hard time focusing and functioning. (Then seven weeks later my mother-in-law, whom I loved dearly, passed away in her sleep, which didn’t help at all!)

I am so glad to be back to part-time right now. But I know there will continue to be times when it goes back to fulltime for a while, and unfortunately, also overtime. But thankfully, that is very rare.

Where are you right now? Are you on overtime, fulltime, or part time grief? It’s all hard work, but the overtime is just outright brutal! If that’s where you are, what can you do to give yourself a short break now and then?

We can’t stop the overtime until that work project is complete, but we can and need to take as many breaks as possible, no matter how short they are. The Holy Spirit knows exactly what you need and when you need it. If you feel a prompting to do something that doesn’t make a lot of sense (obviously nothing harmful), then follow through on those promptings. You just never know how it will lift your load just a bit.

 

Do you struggle with self-care? We have put together a list of 30 simple things you can do, to take care of yourself and bring yourself comfort. Let us know below where to send it. (You will also begin to receive our Weekly Word of Hope, which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

 

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76: Finding Others Who “Get It” as Bereaved Parents

When our child dies, most of us have an immediate support system. But as the weeks and months go by, those people usually go back to their lives and we are left still shattered.

We feel like we are going crazy. People around us say that we should be “over this” by now and make us either feel angry at them for suggesting such a thing, or feel guilty for still being such a mess, easily confused, forgetful, not wanting to be social, crying all the time, etc.

How do we know if this is “normal” grief for someone who has lost a child, or if it is abnormal and we need to get some professional help or be on meds, like some friends and family might be telling us?

Finding others who are ahead of you on this journey of child loss can be that anchor of assurance and hope that you need.

In this episode, Linda Findlay joins Laura Diehl to talk about the importance of connecting with other bereaved parents for support, how it isn’t morbid to attend a group meeting, and how cruises (yes, a cruise ship out on the ocean stopping at tropical places) can be the ultimate place of connecting with others who “get it”, helping you move in the direction of greater healing.

Linda Findlay has worked with grieving families for over 30 years. After losing her daughter in 1989, she started a resource and referral service for grieving families. Soon after she began providing personalized aftercare solutions for hundreds of funeral homes across the nation. Linda is now an aftercare specialist who has created, facilitated, and coordinated hundreds of workshops, services, and support groups. As a Christian lay counselor, Linda’s highest honor is to enter people’s lives and help make a difference.

 

Links Mentioned in this episode:

Get more information to join GPS Hope on a grief cruise.

Mourning Discoveries(for funeral home aftercare services) with Linda Findlay.

YouTube video “Does It ever get better?” with Laura and Linda.

 

Please remember to give this podcast a rating and review to help other parents who are looking for something that will encourage them.

Click here to become a monthly partner, giving hope to other parents, or to give a special gift to keep this podcast going, along with providing  other needed resources to bereaved parents.

(GPS Hope is a 501c3 nonprofit and runs on the financial support of those who believe in passing along the hope they have received to others.)

 

Birthdays:

Giovanna Giannini was born on September 30 and is forever 20.

Aaliyah Henderson was born on October 1 and is forever 4.

Corey Ryan Woodrich was born on October 1 and is forever 31.

Joshua Konaszewski was born on October 2 and is forever 24.

James Gross was born on October 3 and is forever 30.

 

If you would like your child mentioned on the podcast the week of his or her birthday, click here to fill out the short form with the needed information.

The special song written for our children’s birthdays I Remember Well can be heard here.

 

Remember to Hold On Pain Eases; there is HOPE!

www.gpshope.org

 

To have Laura come and minister at your event, contact us at office@gpshope.org.

Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) is here to walk with parents through the darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.

It is a safe place for anyone who has lost a child from this earth. There is no shame or judgment in where you are in this journey, including if you are struggling in your relationship with God or your faith has been completely shattered.

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