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I Feel Like I Am Dying in the Wilderness

 

In Matthew 4, we read how God spoke with an audible voice from heaven how pleased He was with His Son. Immediately after that, Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit into a wilderness where Satan attacked Him at a very weak and vulnerable time.

While Jesus was there, He was without food for forty days. Talk about being extremely vulnerable physically, emotionally, and mentally! This is when Satan came to him in full force, trying to use a time of weakness to trick Jesus into turning the stones into nice warm, fresh bread.

Jesus’ famous reply was letting the enemy know that God said we need more than just earthly food to sustain us. We need the bread of life that will sustain us for the long term.

You are still alive because God is sustaining you. You may be at that place where you don’t want Him to keep you alive. I was there myself when my daughter, Becca, died, so I get it. But God is life, and you being alive means that God is sustaining you, even though it may not feel like it. Sometimes, it is just by helping us take the next breath. That breath comes from God, and even if you don’t want that next breath, the fact that you are still breathing and still here, means that God is still sustaining you through the hurt and darkness. He is there with you.

I imagine Jesus was struggling, wondering where His Father was in all of this, especially knowing the Holy Spirit had led Him to this difficult circumstance. But I notice that Jesus did not answer Satan based on how he felt. He answered on what He knew to be God’s words. Many of us do not feel God’s presence or hear His voice because of the dark wilderness we are in. It is so hard to make our decision about where God is, not based on how we feel, but based on what God says about never leaving us or forsaking us.

There was nothing in the law of Moses saying that what Satan was asking Jesus to do was wrong. After all, He was within days of turning water into wine. The temptation to Jesus was not, “You are asking me to sin.” The temptation was asking Jesus to do something his own way to meet His desire and needs, instead of being led by God within the intimate relationship with His Father.

I know some of you have a hard time reading your Bible. Maybe it is time to try again. It can be helpful to read in the book of Psalms, since David was so good at sharing from a place of rawness and how he felt in places of darkness, writing in a way we can really relate to. But then he often goes from there into how good God is for being with him and taking care of him and going before him while in that pit of despair.

Just like Jesus said, we are sustained by the word of God. If you cannot seem to read the Bible yet, He can still speak to you in other ways. Ask him to open your ears to hear what He wants to say to you in the context of His heart and being in an intimate relationship with Him. That is an individual thing for each one of us.

We may be in a wilderness, but God has not abandoned us there, no matter how much it may feel like it. He is with you. It is so important to be able to grab ahold of this truth. Even if you cannot see it now, when you get further down this road you will be able to look back and see that He really was with you.

Note: In the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, episode 210, Laura continues this by talking about the other two temptations of Jesus in the wilderness and how we can relate to them as bereaved parents. Click here to listen.

 

This blog was taken from Laura’s book being released later this month called Reflections of Hope: Daily Reflections for Bereaved Parents. If you would like to know more, click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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I Don’t Believe that God is Good!

After a severe tragedy, such as the death of our child, it can be extremely difficult to reconcile the thought that God is good. If He is such a good Father, why does he allow such pain to come into our lives? Why didn’t He step in and save our children from death?

I want you to hear from another pareavor (bereaved parent) whom I know.

Dennis Apple, who was a pastor when his son died, shares in his book Life After the Death of My Son how he was disappointed and angry with God. Dennis says he was “hanging out near the back door of my faith,” and for a long time he refused to say or sing the phrase, “God is good all the time.”

I don’t care for that phrase either when it is used in a congregational setting, especially when we are supposed to respond back, “And all the time God is good.” It’s not because I don’t believe it. It’s because we each have our own definition of what that means to us. For many Christians, when they say “God is good,” it means God won’t let anything really bad happen to me in this life. So, when a tragedy happens (like our house burning down to the ground, or the death of our child), we decide He isn’t really good, because a good God wouldn’t do this to me.

How did Dennis get past that? Dennis states as he came to a crossroads, he asked himself a couple of questions: Do I believe there’s a sovereign God who knows and sees all, including my suffering over the loss of our son? Am I going to trust in this sovereign God whom I don’t always understand? After wrestling with these questions for a long time, he was able to say through painful tears, “Yes, I believe in Him, and yes I will trust Him.”

His wife, Beulah, also made a conscious decision after several years of deep grief. Did she want to remain in this same dark place she had been in for almost five years, or did she want to come out of it and make the best of her life and her family that was still here? She chose to “lay aside the garment of grief and mourning, sweep up the ashes that surrounded her, and go on.” It was a turning point for both her and their marriage.

Times of suffering are when the devil really attacks our thoughts. “If God really loved you, you wouldn’t be going through this.” “If God was really good, He wouldn’t have let this happen.” The truth is, both believers in Christ and nonbelievers can face extreme hardships. Being a Christian does not mean that we won the lottery to a trouble-free life here on this earth. That would not be love, that would be bribery on God’s part.

The difference is that those of us who have made Jesus Lord of our lives have someone to give us peace in the storms. We have someone who will walk with us, giving us comfort and direction. We have someone who is working on our behalf to make sure we are not destroyed by the tragedies, but are delivered through them. We have someone who is working that devastating loss into something that can bear good eternal fruit. We have someone who can bring joy back into our lives again, even when we think it’s impossible.

We have someone who cares so deeply that He allowed His Son to be brutally beaten and endure a torturous death, so that we could be reunited with our children forever. The act itself of Jesus being beaten and hung on a cross was not good, but the eternal fruit of Jesus entering hell to snatch the keys of hell and death, and His resurrection certainly was good!

It is very common to struggle with one’s faith after the death of their child. It may be for just one day or it may be for several years. In the midst of our pain and darkness, we all have to reevaluate who we thought God was, which can open the door to find out who He really is, while discovering a much deeper meaning to the phrase God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

So, the question remains: Is God good all the time? The enemy who is trying to get you to turn your back on God (the same enemy who brought death, pain and darkness into this world) wants to you to think no, He is not good. That is why Satan is the enemy. He has plans and tactics to turn you away from God and His love for you and your child, and he knows the death of your child makes you a much easier target to be able to do that.

But the fact is, God defeated this same enemy in the eternal realm so that we can defeat Him, too. And because of that, hopefully you do not want to be deceived by the enemy and come into agreement with him and his lies.

So, yes, God is good. We may not understand the “why” this side of eternity, but we can trust in the eternal goodness of God. Say it out loud, and say it with conviction, to get the enemy to start backing down. “God is good!”

 

The very first book I wrote is called Triple Crown Transformation. “See the crown” is about seeing God’s vision for our lives. “Wear the crown” is about who He is in our lives, and “be the crown” is learning more about our eternal identity.

Let us know below if you would like to receive a free eBook copy.

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Forgiving Yourself After Child Loss

by BJ Jensen

 

Moving beyond guilt is a necessary step in the journey of healing from the loss of a child. This particular part of grief can be the most difficult pain of all to overcome. In order to be free of guilt, it is necessary to ask for forgiveness of God, of your child, of oneself and if appropriate of others who are suffering the loss of your child.

God and your child will always forgive you because they love you and do not want you to continue to suffer guilt and sadness.  They want you to lead a life of purpose with joy.

Others, including a spouse or close relative, may not be willing to forgive right away, perhaps never.  But asking for forgiveness can free you of the burden of quilt, even if others choose not to let go of their grief and hopelessness.

Perhaps the most difficult test is forgiving yourself.  When we refuse to forgive, we are held captive like a convicted criminal.  Not forgiving sentences a person to a horrible life in a prison of our own making – one where we barely exist.  It is difficult but a necessary step in order to move toward the point of healing.  Sometimes forgiving takes the help of a trained professional or counselor.  Are you willing to forgive yourself or do you want to stay captive on a downward-spiraling path of self-loathing?

Many children’s deaths are accidental, and a life can end in only seconds. No parent can completely foolproof a child’s life. The tragic truth is that fatal accidents can and do happen every hour. When this happens, it is very common for a parent to fall into the self-damaging cycle of the “what if” or guilt trap.  Moving through the guilt of this unanswerable question often causes endless tears. Discussing the guilt has helped many parents to move beyond the “what if” trap. Tell those closest to you why you feel guilty, and ask for help. Although you may occasionally get a careless, hurtful response, family and friends will respond most often with compassion. Recognizing and admitting your feelings of guilt is a critical first step.

Put down on paper how you feel. Don’t leave anything out. Plan some sort of “letting go” ritual as a means of moving past your guilt. You might read aloud all of your guilty feelings to your spouse or to two or three close friends and then crumble the paper and toss it into a fire with all of your guilt. As you watch the paper burn, you may begin to feel your heavy burden lighten.

Finally, you must realize that without forgiving yourself, you will never be able to move forward.  You must make a determined effort to not allow yourself to ask the “what if” question. It is a futile question with no answer, and only adds to your grief.

By taking very precise steps to rid yourself of guilt, you will lift a heavy burden and finally be able to move forward in your journey of grief. Once you can move beyond the “what if” trap, you will know that you have successfully gotten rid of the gnawing questions that never really have any answers. Healing is about to begin!

 

This was taken by permission from the book “Finding Hope after the Devastating Loss of Beloved Children” by Dr. Doug and BJ Jensen. 

Doug and BJ Jensen, are International Speakers, award-winning Dramatists, Signing Artists, Song Writers, Drama Writers, and Authors of 16 books. Dr. Jensen earned his PhD in Biblical Studies in the area of Biblical Counseling.  BJ is the Director of the world traveling LOVE IN MOTION Signing Choir and is a writer of 8 stories found in seven of the CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL books.You can contact them at Jensen2@san.rr.com or on their Facebook page: Bj Jensen San Diego. 

 

Do you struggle with guilt from your child’s death? We would like to send you the eBook, Ten Tips to Overcome Guilt. Just submit your name and email address below. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope for bereaved parents (which you can easily unsubscribe from at any time).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

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Learning to Rest in God

“Don’t do, just be.”

This was the message I kept hearing from many different places for the first two years after Becca’s leaving this earth. I believe it is a message we all need at some point when working our way through the darkness and back into the light after the death of our child.

We all need that place where we can go to get away and rest. However, the rest we truly need to come into is not a time and a place. It is a position; a way of life. But often we must begin with the time and place in order to learn to live in that position.

That means we have to set time aside specifically to be alone in God’s presence, especially if we have a hard time believing He truly loves us after not stepping in to save our child from earthly death. We need to “just be” in the stillness of His presence, where He can speak peace to us and fill us with His extravagant love.

During that time those first couple of years, God gave me many reminders to rest in Him and His ways. It was a hard thing to do, because I could not see any light in my darkness or understand why God was allowing so much intense pain.

He would share His reminders to just “be” and rest in Him in so many different ways. He would remind me to take a breath and breathe in His love and peace. He never sugarcoated anything, but would acknowledge how difficult and steep my climb was, telling me to cling tightly to His hand, reminding me to look at Him whenever my circumstances overwhelmed me.

He knew how weak and helpless I was, and He never tired of meeting me in my place of need. Looking back, I see now how each time He would free me from a few more of my shackles, even though most of the time I couldn’t feel it.

Not only would He “hold” me, but He would encourage me to relax in the awareness of His presence. Some of my most precious times with the Lord were in my greatest times of weakness, just letting everything go and melting into His peace, love, and compassion. And so much peace and deep revelation came out of those times of intimacy in those first few years.

For example, I discovered so many scriptures that I had misunderstood, such as Matthew 11:28-29 where Jesus says,

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (NIV)

There are lots of theological teachings on what Jesus meant by this, including what it meant for Jesus, as a rabbi, to say this. But at that moment of my life, the revelation of those verses didn’t mean that Jesus would make my life easy, but that being yoked together with Him is being yoked to that place of rest for my soul; that He would help me carry this heavy burden which is impossible for me to carry on my own.

I rediscovered Psalm 23 in The Complete Jewish Bible translation, that promises to restore my inner person, and that if I pass through death-dark ravines, He is with me; and that His grace and goodness are still pursuing me every day of my life.

This is not to say at some point I got it all figured out and now continually live from a place of rest. I wish God would just speak a command and make it all better, taking away the pain and replacing it with constant peace and rest, but it hasn’t happened that way.

Learning how to live in that place of resting in God has been a process. The pain can still be pretty intense at times, making me feel like I am going backwards, losing that peace and the place of rest.

For instance, a while back, Becca’s husband dropped off four plastic tubs on our front porch. They were full of things he no longer wanted taking up space in his garage. Two bins held Becca’s collection of Snow Buddies she put out every Christmas. One had all of her cassette tapes and CDs, and one contained lots of odds and ends, such as medical items used during her last year and a half of life, and some beautiful photo scrapbooks Becca spent hours on of their family.

But the thing that left me in a crying mess for the next few days was when I discovered her wedding dress smashed in the bottom of one of those bins. My heart still hurts, thinking about it. It felt so cruel, so careless, like she was no longer wanted or to be remembered. My daughter’s life has been reduced to four plastic bins, I thought. But instead of allowing myself to go in that direction, I told myself the truth. Her life was much bigger than these four bins. However… it was another door of finality I had to painfully work through, and once again make a conscious decision to rest in who God is within the circumstance.

Learning to rest in God is a must if you want to get out of your place of darkness.

And that means spending time alone with Him. You don’t even have to talk to Him;  just “be” with Him. Don’t feel guilty about being angry with Him, or about taking lots of time to be closed in with the One who loves you like crazy and wants to get you out of the pit and onto the path of living again.

Spend intimate time with Him. Lots of it. Let Him show you the way out by showing you the fullness of Himself. If you stick with it, I guarantee you will learn to come into that place of rest that we all so desperately need after the earthly departure of our child.

Would we rather have our child back? Absolutely. But that isn’t going to happen here on this earth. So, we might as well allow God to love on us and be at work in us, so that their death isn’t wasted in our lives.

 

This blog was taken from the chapter The Bedroom of Rest, from the award-winning book When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child.

This book, When Tragedy Strikes, now has a course for those who feel the need to go deeper, wanting to implement more specific and practical ways on how to rebuild their lives after the death of their child.

The course has three options, based on how much or how little guidance one feels they want or need.

  • The first option is a free mini course.
  • The second option is a full course with eight modules.
  • The third option is for those who see the value in having one-on-one guidance and interaction with author and instructor, Laura Diehl, in their grief journey as they go through the full course. NOTE: This is for a small limited group and only available 2-3 times a year.

The When Tragedy Strikes Hope & Healing Course was created to walk with and help navigate a parent who has lost a child to a place of light, hope and a life of purpose once again. It is easier walking with others who have been on this path than stumbling about on our own.

While the process of grief cannot be hurried, we can learn how to take steps, no matter how small, making sure we keep moving forward instead of remaining stuck in the pain and darkness of our horrific loss.

To find out more about the When Tragedy Strikes Hope & Healing Course, click here.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

 

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

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A New Year Means New…?

Every time a new year shows up, it brings lots of emotions for many of us bereaved parents, especially if this is the first time the calendar has turned since your child died.

There are lots of words that can describe what we think and how we feel. Numb, regret, anger, sorrow, fear, confusion… I am sure you could add quite a few of your own words to this list.

These are all valid, for sure! And as you can see, they are all negative. So, how can we start to move the needle toward the positive, especially if we don’t see how that is even possible? Or maybe you are someone who doesn’t know if they even want to?

I believe there is a word that is the bridge between the two.

HOPE

When we have no hope, we have no desire to live.

We know the enemy is out to steal from us and kill us. If he can’t do it physically, he will do it emotionally. When our child dies, we have the biggest red target on us for the enemy to do exactly that. He steals our hope, leaving us wanting to die to go be with our child. Even if we have other children, a wonderful marriage and had a life full of purpose and passion before our child’s death, it all comes crashing down and we are left in a world of darkness and hopelessness.

However, the death of our child did not blindside God like it might have done to us. That means we do not have to stay a slave, chained to our prison of darkness with no hope. Jesus came to break every chain that could ever try to keep us bound. He will carry us through this valley of death, back into a place of abounding hope.

There is a seed of hope already inside of you! It may be dormant at the moment, but it is there. It just needs to be nurtured, and in time, in its season, it will begin to break through the hard ground and begin to sprout.

And that brings up another word.

TIME

Time can be terrifying to us now. Time means we are getting further away from our child. In the beginning, I used to dread the day my daughter would be gone for five years, and I couldn’t imagine her not being here for ten or twenty years or more. The thought of it can take my breath away and bring stinging tears!

And yet, as time goes by, it also means we are getting closer to seeing our child again, and that makes me excited!

The pendulum of time…it is all in our perspective.

I don’t believe that saying, “Time heals all wounds.” That is impossible when it comes to the death of our child. But I do believe what we do with our time makes a big difference in how long we stay in that place of suffocating darkness.

And one thing we can do, that can bring a huge shift is to

SURRENDER

This is not easy to do, especially if we feel like God betrayed us by allowing our child to leave this earth (and even more so if it was a traumatic departure).

During grief, people either move toward God or away from Him. But the truth is, when we move away from Him, we are moving away from the One who can help us the most. God wants to walk with us through this valley of death. He wants to give us comfort and strength. He wants to give us hope and yes, even a vision for our future that still has good things in it.

These are all things we desperately need. But if we choose to move away from Him, we will continue to desperately need these things.

Grieving the death of your child is a time to get as close to God as you possibly can.

It makes me think of a distraught child crying uncontrollably and his father bending down to embrace and comfort him. The son is so upset he is kicking and screaming and fighting, not wanting to be picked up and loved on. Eventually the child runs out of strength and relaxes in the embrace of his loving father. And now that child can receive the comfort, strength and hope he wants and needs.

It is the same with us. Don’t fight the One who can give you the very things you need. Surrender, allowing Him to embrace you and carry you in His strong arms of love.

In talking about surrender, I mentioned another word:

FUTURE

Like I said, the death of our child did not blindside God. In His eyes, we still have a life to live. He has a plan for us, and believe it or not, it is a good plan. Does it seem next to impossible to believe that? How can a good plan for our future be one that is without our child in it?

I had to learn the reality of the truth that my plans are not God’s plans. His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. I have grown into a deeper faith in how awesomely powerful my God is. That He really can take something as horrific as the death of a child, and somehow, miraculously, bring good from it.

If my focus is on my loss, I cannot rise above it to face my future. But if my focus is on my promised future, then it is much easier to rise above the loss and step forward into that future and the good things God still has for me. (And don’t forget about the future we will have in eternity, never to be separated from our child again!)

Not only do we still have a future with good things in it, our life can have meaning and

PURPOSE

Each of us has a set number of days here on this old earth, and then we move on to the glorious side of eternity. Our child’s time here was much too short as far as we are concerned, and we were supposed to go first. But the fact remains, our child has now moved on to his or her permanent home and is more alive and full of life than we are! For reasons we don’t understand, their purpose on earth was completed before ours was.

So now it is important that we continue moving forward in our earthly purpose, so that when we join our child who is waiting for us, we will both hear the wonderful words, “Well done, good and faithful servant…Enter into the joy of your Lord.” (Matthew 25:21 NKJV)

And that brings me to my final word:

LIFE

Bad things happen to good people. Horrible and evil things happen to God’s people. You have paid what many will say is the ultimate price of sacrifice on this earth—the death of your son or daughter. (Sound familiar? I know someone else who paid the price of His Son a little over two thousand years ago.) But you did not give your child willingly or have a choice.

The question is: Are you going to let it be a wasted sacrifice? Are you going to become bitter or better? What value are you going to place on the life of your child? That is where the mind shift happens. Life or death?

I refuse to let death cause more death! I will not give the enemy that kind of a victory! Because Jesus lives, I can live. I have allowed my God to make good on His promises in my life, to give strength to the weary and hope to the hopeless. And I will allow that hope to continue to grow as it becomes joy that reaches beyond death, both my child’s and mine.

I hope and pray in this new year, you decide to make the same choice.

I want to encourage you to ask God to give you a specific word for this year: a word that represents what He wants to work into your life through this grief journey. My word is joy. I want and need the fullness of His joy back in my life again. I would love to know in the blog comments what your word is!

Much of this blog was taken from the My Grief Journey: Coloring Book and Journal for Bereaved Parents. It has forty-two words that describe our life after the death of our child. Each word has a coloring page, a journaling prompt, a thought about that word, and an appropriate scripture. Here is a list of those words:

We would like to offer our readers the same recent discount as our listeners to the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. You can purchase When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the death of Your Child for $1 off, PLUS receive a FREE copy of My Grief Journey: A Coloring Book and Journal for Bereaved Parents! 

Just click here, put the When Tragedy Strikes book in your cart and use the promo code PODCAST37.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

 

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