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Four Tips to Help Simplify Your Life

I have had so many family members moving in the last two months!

• Our middle son and his family were finally able to purchase a house and moved into it from their small apartment
• Our youngest son was able to move from staying in someone’s basement to having his own apartment with his fiancé and their little girl
• My sister and her family finally moved into a house they built to replace the one that burned to the ground shortly after our daughter, Becca, died
• We moved Dave’s mom, who has dementia, from her apartment into an assisted living facility after his dad’s death
• My oldest son bought our house and moved from the basement to the upstairs

Plus, we moved into our 38-foot motor home!

Can we be done moving for a while???

Um…as I ask that question, I have to laugh, since I have just moved into a home on wheels! …but just moving locations isn’t the same, right, since it all comes with us…?

Obviously, our move was the one that impacted me the most, having to go over every inch of space in our house, making a decision on literally EVERYTHING we owned after 34 years of marriage and family life with five children. With everything from pillows and blankets to wall hangings, from clothes to paper clips and glue, from each kitchen utensil to every piece of furniture, I had to ask myself is it:

1. Going with us in the Hope Mobile?
2. Being packed away in storage to still have, once we are done with this season of traveling (having no idea when that will be)?
3. Being given to one of the kids or grandkids?
4. Getting rid of it, either in our rummage sale or just trash it?

At the same time, Dave and I had to go through every item in his parent’s apartment, making the same kind of decisions. Does it go with her to her new place? Do we ask family members if they want it? Do we toss it? Do we hang on to it for her? Do we put it in our rummage sale?

Simple lives… that’s what most of us want, isn’t it?

But it seems to rarely happen, no matter how hard we try. One powerful thing I have learned is that if we can simplify and unclutter the “stuff” that is around us, it helps unclutter our minds as well, allowing us to move toward that simple life most of us long for.

In all of this moving, I received some insights, and had some “I wish I would have…” moments that I thought I would share with you, in hopes that it will help you simplify some things in life now, instead of when it is somewhat forced on you (or someone else for you) because of unforeseen circumstances.

1. DON’T PUT IT OFF. Is there an area you have been putting off for months (or even years) because it just seems too much to tackle? Maybe it’s your attic or a storage area in the basement. Maybe it is all the piles on your kitchen counters and table, or your bedroom closet that is stuffed so full that you don’t even know what is in there, or so many things piled in a dining room that is no longer usable.

It is much better to set your own deadline for yourself now, than to have one set for you that may leave you (or someone else you love) scrambling.

2. DON’T DO IT BY YOURSELF. Exchange the favor with a friend. Offer to help her tackle a big project if she comes and helps you with yours. Put a date on the calendar and stick to it. Make it fun with some rewards (like maybe bake something yummy you can sit down and snack on when you get to the half-way point, or take a break and get a pedicure) then go back and finish.

Having someone help not only makes it easier to whip through your project, but it gives a needed unbiased opinion on what needs to go out the door.

3. TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF ITS PLACE (AND I MEAN EVERYTHING) AND PUT IT IN A PILE SOMEWHERE. This is one of the most helpful things I discovered. If absolutely everything was pulled out of kitchen cupboards and drawers and piled on the kitchen table, chairs and floor, (or everything taken out of the bedroom closet and dresser drawers and piled on the bed, or literally everything removed from the dining room that has become a storage room, etc.) I was forced to make a decision on whether or not each item would be kept and put back away or sent out the door to someone else who was looking for that item I never use.

Added bonus: You will also probably keep at that project until it is done, because you can’t function (cook, get dressed, etc.) until it is complete. Plus, once you get started, it feels so good to be getting rid of so much “stuff” that you want to have the satisfaction of seeing the end results of how neat and tidy it looks with so much less clutter.

4. ASK YOURSELF IF THAT ITEM IS STILL BEING USED BECAUSE IT STILL GIVES YOU JOY. I discovered how many things I was hanging on to that had a memory attached to it, or “what if I still need it or want it later?” If it hasn’t been used (or worn) in over a year, chances are pretty high it will continue to sit there for another year, and another, and another… you get the point. The more years something has sat without serving its purpose, the more reason that is to part with it.

If getting rid of items no longer used is a struggle for you, let me share something that may sound strange, but really seems to help. Tell that item thank you for serving its purpose in your life, and that you no longer need it. Yes, out loud. And yes, like I said, it sounds weird, but there is something that seems to break our attachment to an item if we release it from having a hold on us for whatever that reason is.

Doing that simple thing gives us permission and freedom to send those things that are taking up mental and physical space in our lives out the door with no hesitations or regrets.

And once you have an area tackled and under control, make sure you don’t allow things to pile up again! Instead of tossing something somewhere (thinking you will take care of it later) make the decision while that item is still in your hands whether to toss it, put it away, or place it in a box, knowing that box will be given away as soon as it gets filled.

Simplifying what is around us in our homes transfers into other areas in our lives. It not only relieves the clutter physically but begins to cause our minds to be less cluttered in our thoughts. And then we start looking for other ways to simplify our lives.

Doing these four things is not a guarantee to a simplified life. But they are a great way to start, to help you move in that direction.

And speaking of moving in a direction, by the time you read this, we will have done our final loading and pulled out to be on the road full-time in our house on wheels.

I don’t know if the outward circumstances of my life will become simpler, traveling in and living from a motor coach for our full-time ministry to grieving parents. We all know there are things in life that are out of our control. But I do know that I plan on controlling what I can, by not allowing clutter to surround me in this new season of my life.

Have you experienced a deep loss? We would be honored to have a heart placed in loving memory on the GPS Hope motor home with his or her name on it, to travel with us. Find out more by clicking here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • Subscribe  to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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Three Shifts in Perspective that Bring Hope in Our Grief

When our child dies, everything goes dark. We can’t think straight, we are numb, and it feels like we are in a nightmare and are trying to wake up.

As strange as it is, even in the numbness we can feel anger and intense emotional pain. All of this swirling inside of us goes on for months, and then even into years. That is normal for a parent who has lost a child, since experts have determined that:

  • most of us deal with what is considered fresh grief for up to five years
  • the death of a child falls under traumatic grief (we have suffered a trauma) and many parents also have PTSD depending on the circumstances of the death (finding his or her body, seeing it happen, etc.)

Our thoughts can get stuck in this place of darkness, and we wonder if we will ever be able to get out.

One of the things I discovered early in my grief journey after my daughter, Becca, died, was to ask God to help me shift my perspective. The way I saw everything was dark and painful, but I knew God saw things through different eyes, and I needed desperately to see what He saw.

Let me share three things with you that God showed me, helping make that shift in how I saw things. And before you read them, may I suggest that you pause and ask God to help you see these things with His eyes as well. And remember, this isn’t coming from someone who is trying to fix you by giving you Christian clichés and pat answers. This is coming from someone who has been right where you are.

  1. This life is not permanent. Thank you, God!!! This is only the blink of an eye, a dot on the line of eternity. Where we are going has none of this heartache, turmoil and separation.

God made a way so that we do not have to be permanently separated from those we love. Wow! That is pretty amazing when you stop   and think about it. And please do. Stop and think about it. This is not a permanent separation.

I remember confiding in a friend a year after Becca died that I felt guilty because I wanted to go to heaven to see Becca more than I did to see Jesus. Her answer? “But Laura, you have made a deposit!” I love that.

And when Jesus says, “Where your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21), I realized that since one of my greatest treasures is in heaven, my heart will be there as well. And that is okay.

  1. To live is Christ, to die is gain (Philippians 1:21). So, I have to ask, if that is true, what did Becca gain?

You and I have children hanging out in incredible glory and perfection; no sickness, no pain (physical or emotional), no hurtful rejections… I think you get the idea and could build on this list. When I take time to think about what my daughter has gained, I can start feeling happy for her, which eases my pain some.

And have you thought about how our children will be the first ones waiting to meet us when we arrive? I can actually get excited thinking about Becca showing me all around, knowing she couldn’t wait for me to get there and join her!

Honestly, when I spend time thinking about my deep loss, I cry and can hardly breath. When I think of her gain, and let my mind imagine what it is like for her, it moves me in the direction of peace.

Would I rather have Becca here with me? Absolutely, especially when I think about how much I miss her and all the things she is not, or will not, be part of as I continue living here on earth.  But since I have resigned myself to the fact that it isn’t going to happen, I have gotten to the point of enjoying picturing her in heaven, imagining the fun she is having, the people she is meeting and hanging out with, what her mansion might be like, etc.

  1. God IS always good. And good doesn’t mean I always get what I want. Good means that He sees what we cannot see, and knows what we don’t know, and sometimes allows natural consequences to take affect because of that.

And in His goodness, He made a way for death not to be final. Plus, He not only walks with us, He will carry us if needed, while offering everything we need as we travel through this very deep, very dark valley.

In other words, we need to see God as one who comes along beside us with deep sorrow and compassion, not as someone to blame who caused the death of our child. It is really helpful when we see God as the rescuer in our story, rather than the cause of our pain by something he did or didn’t do.

Asking God to make a shift in our perspective is so important. When I asked Him to do that for me, one of the biggest shifts God made for me that I so desperately needed was when I thought about getting further and further away from Becca. I could work myself up into hardly being able to breathe when I thought about moving into the new year without her, and then thinking about being three years, five years, ten or twenty years here without her. God spoke to my heart and told me that I wasn’t getting further away from her, but each year (and each day) I am getting closer to her!

Wow! Now I could appreciate that for sure! Every day I am here, every year that goes by, I am that much closer to seeing Becca and being with her again. Thank you, God for Your goodness in changing how I see it, and for making it possible.

What do you need to see differently? Maybe it’s every part of it and you don’t even know where to start. That’s okay. God knows. Just break through whatever is holding you back and ask Him.

 

Another thing that helps, is to find ways to honor your child to keep their memory alive so that others will know who he or she is. To receive a list of Ten Ways to Honor the Life of Your Child, just submit your name and email below. You will also begin to receive each Wednesday our Weekly Word of Hope. (No spamming, we promise!)

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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Making Hard Choices Within Our Grief

When our child died, it was obviously not our choice!

Going through the darkness of grief is not our choice.

The pain that cannot be described is not our choice.

The way our brain is scrambled for so long and we can’t think straight is not our choice.

I could go on, but you know exactly what I am talking about.

Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts to getting off the path of this nightmarish journey we found ourselves thrown onto.

But I am not here to talk about the things we can’t control and the choices we cannot make. I want to talk about the choices we can make.

At the beginning, grief takes over EVERYTHING. But as the weeks and months go by, we find ourselves able to make small choices. We may choose to cook a somewhat decent meal instead of having fast food again or a bowl of cereal. We might choose to try and go out for coffee with a friend (in public). We might choose to pick up our Bible and try to read it (and sometimes put it right back down, for various reasons).

I want to help you move forward when you get to that point of being able to start making some choices, because some of those can be major, such as choosing to stay mad at God and blaming Him and refusing to allow Him to ease the pain in your heart that keeps you an angry, bitter person. (Ouch! Yes, I said it…)

Here is a key that may help you unlock some of those choices you need or want to make.

Instead of choosing to be against something, choose to be for something.

For instance, you can choose to be against facing another week because you can’t bear being away from your child for longer than you already have. Or you can choose to be for going through this next week because it gets you that much closer to being reunited with your child.

You can choose to be against spending time with a friend, because you feel guilty for doing something that might be kind of fun when your child can’t have any fun with his or her friends any more. Or you could choose to be for spending time with your friend, because you might get a chance to talk about your son or daughter with someone who will listen. Or because having an enjoyable evening might be like a needed medicine to your soul. Or because you can picture your child watching you enjoy yourself, and seeing you smile (and maybe even laugh), realizing it would make them happy instead of seeing you so horribly angry and miserable.

It can help even more to take just a minute and write down at least one thing (or a list of things) you are going to do your best to choose to do for something, instead of continuing to choose against something.

I did that recently, after being prompted by my friend Mary. One of the things I specifically wrote down in my list was, “I choose to be a size 10/12.” As Becca went through her severe illness and after she died, I allowed food to be a comfort and a distraction for me, gaining a good thirty pounds, becoming the heaviest I have ever been (including my five pregnancies). I have not been able to get it off for the last three to four years. Truthfully, I have not been motivated enough to want to stop eating sweets and other unhealthy foods enough to follow through. Until now. Since I wrote that down, I am ecstatic that I am down over ten pounds and still going!

Go ahead and write it out. I choose to _______________________.

And if you can’t think of how to flip it around to do it for a good reason, ask the Holy Spirit to show you one. (My motivation to choose to finally get serious about my unhealthy eating is being able to fit into the mother-of-the-bride gown I wore to Becca’s wedding for the red-carpet Author Academy Awards in which my book When Tragedy Strikes is a finalist.)

And with that, I choose to be for climbing into bed , tired but at a fairly decent hour (which means staying focused on working my way through today’s heavy schedule) instead of being against my day, feeling like it is out of control with too much going on (which means distracting myself from what I should be doing and climbing into bed exhausted because it is extremely late by the time I get everything done).

So, what are you going to be for, instead of against, that will help you move toward light and life? I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

We are coming up on the holiday season, when there are many events that are difficult to attend. If you would like a list of ideas on how to handle these events, just let us know and we would be happy to send it to you.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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When Life Stands Still After the Death of Your Child

Many grieving parents that I talk to share how hard it is that their life has come to a screeching halt after the death of their child, and don’t understand how everyone else just keeps going.

I remember feeling that way myself. I specifically remember that thought sitting in my car at a stop light. Even though I was out and about, I was numb. I was going through the motions and doing only what was absolutely necessary outside my home. I could see people walking, people in cars around me having conversations, and cars driving past me as if the world was okay. It was hard not to get angry and not start screaming at everyone for acting like things were normal.

Eventually (and by “eventually,” I mean two to three years), I found myself running those same errands without the sense that because my world had come to an end, everyone else’s should, too. Until recently…

On July 15, my husband, Dave, got a phone call from his dad who was having such intense back pain it was causing him to vomit, and asked Dave to take him to the ER to get checked out. Eight hours later, the family was being called to sit by my father-in-law’s bedside, waiting for him to pass from this world with a ruptured aorta that was inoperable.

Not only did we lose the first one of our four parents, but Dave and I became instant caregivers to his mom, whose dementia and other health issues need someone with her pretty much 24/7. For almost two months now, we have been taking shifts, living with her as we jump through all the hoops going through the process to get her placed in an assisted living facility.

Life has once again come to a standstill. I look around at life going on as normal for those around me, while my world has been turned upside down. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother-in-law. We have never had that stereotypical difficult relationship. However, my son and his family purchased their first home and we have not been able to help them move or get settled much at all. My youngest son is moving, and we have not helped him either.

Dave and I were in the process of downsizing, to move into our Hope Mobile (the motor home we recently purchased to go on the road full time for GPS Hope, helping grieving parents). That not only came to a halt, I found myself bringing back to the house things I had already moved to the motor home. Our oldest son is buying our house, and that came to a standstill as well, since we could not move out, taking turns being full-time caregivers.

My writing to keep up with blogs, emails, and so on has been spotty at best. Even our marriage feels like it has come to a standstill, as most of the time one of us is at Mom’s apartment and one of us is home.

Because I have faced the worst thing that could happen in my life, the death of one of my children, and have come out the other side able to live again when I didn’t think that was possible, I know that it will happen again with this new situation that has me at a standstill.

“And it came to pass…” Those can be some of the most encouraging words in the Bible. Some translations say, “in time…” or “after that…” In other words, it won’t always be like this.

If you are frustrated that life is going on while you feel so very stuck, I want to help you think of it a little differently. It is actually a good thing to see life going on around you, because that means you are surrounded by people whose lives came to a standstill, but they have been able to move forward at some point. And that includes bereaved parents like Dave and me, who were once in that same place of suffocating darkness.

I am not saying that life goes on as normal, the way it was before the death of your child. That would be impossible. What I am saying is that if you keep going, one day, one hour, one breath at a time, (and I know sometimes it feels like you can’t), at some point down the road you will find yourself feeling a stirring of being alive again. Just keep watching those who are ahead of you as a hopeful reminder that just maybe, it can happen to you

also.

And I am now happy to be someone you and others can look at, wondering how I ever got past Becca’s death to be able to live again. And a few years into this journey, I believe that you will have others wondering that about you.

We would love to send you a list of thirty suggestions to help bring yourself comfort and take care of yourself body, soul, and spirit. Just fill in the information, hit submit, and it will be sent to you right away.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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A Gem Hidden Deeply in God’s Word

God’s Word has become so very rich since Becca’s death, even in preparing for what I wanted to say at her funeral. But that isn’t usually the case for those who are grieving the death of a child.

Sometimes it takes two to three years for the pain and fog to lift to be able to even make sense of what is being read (which happened to me for quite a while in the deepest part of my grief). Or, these grieving parents are angry and struggling with their faith, like the woman I heard from yesterday who lost her son five years ago, and just this week walked out of a church service because she still can’t stand to hear people say that God is good.

I have to say that for me personally, many verses I have been taught or have seen a certain way (some of them since I was very young) have become a life-line of hope in a whole new light.

God tells us that His Word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our paths (Psalm 119:105). And in the depth of darkness that we find ourselves in after the death of our child, or any deep loss or tragedy, we desperately need any tiny pinhole of light that we can get.

I would like to share one of those scriptures that has taken on a totally new meaning to me now.

Ephesians 3:20 says talks about God being able “to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”

I have always heard this verse in the context of things like, “When you ask God for a good job, you can claim this verse and He will give you even a better job than you asked for.”

Or I have heard Christian leaders share about applying this verse to something they are praying for (like having a ministry bigger than they could ever imagine) and then adding in a laughing humorous way, “and I can imagine a whole lot!”

As I was reading through the book of Ephesians one day, I realized how much that verse truly applies to those of us who find ourselves in an unwanted and indescribable darkness of deep grief, tragedy and trauma.

We all think and say things like, “I can’t imagine EVER getting out of this pain and darkness.” “I can’t EVER imagine living life without my child.” Or, “God, when will I stop hurting so much?”

And that is exactly where the truth of this verse comes in. God promises that He is able to do more than we could ask for, or imagine! We cannot imagine ever coming out of our painful darkness to a place of living a life of purpose and meaning again. It feels impossible. But He can, and He will do what we cannot even imagine!

Any time we cry out to Him from that place of horrendous pain, even the smallest plea of, “God HELP me!” He goes to work making good on that very promise! Many times, it doesn’t seem like it because often nothing seems to change. We can go days, weeks and even months in the same suffocating darkness and turmoil. As a parent who has to learn how to live again after the death of their child, that grief journey is a long and very slow process to work through. So are other deep tragedies and losses. But God is at work, because we cried out, allowing His power to be at work within us.

So, it’s okay if you cannot imagine ever having hope, light, or purpose in your life ever again. God’s got this! And until that time comes, ask God to send loving, gracious people your way, who will walk with you through the darkness.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • Subscribe  to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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