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February 17, 2023 by Laura Diehl 6 Comments

Why Couldn’t I Save My Child?

Written by Alicia White

January 29, 2020, was the scariest, most traumatic, life altering, and darkest day of my life and my family’s life, as we lost our seventeen-year-old daughter, Hope, by suicide. Not expecting or ever imagining our sweet, beautiful, Jesus-loving girl to ever take her life, finding her was an immediate out of body experience that left me with the darkest of dark images that are engraved into the depths of my mind and soul.

The torment of the guilt, shame, failure, and “should of’s” and “would of’s” robbed me of peace, and for moments, still does. Along with questioning my self-worth as a mom and family minister who had given her whole married life to raising our four kids in the ways of the Lord and teaching them how to have an intimate relationship with the Father, I questioned my very foundation of belief in Jesus. What I thought I knew about Jesus was abruptly and painfully ripped out from underneath my feet. What remained were questions of the Father’s protection, His word, His sovereignty, and His love.

As the wrestling intensified and I tried to find my footing again, I began to hear the Father speak to me: “Alicia, I am inviting you into a new place of trust. The trust I am inviting you to will shift your entire perspective of My truth and My kingdom. This higher place of trust will demand everything to be consumed at the altar. There will be nothing left in your hands. Are you willing? It’s the road to your healing that I am offering you.”

Abraham and Isaac

This place would be known as abandonment as I began my journey of the road less traveled. In today’s Christian culture, abandonment is not a term we hear much. It seems to carry with it negative inferences and images that we become uncomfortable with very quickly. Surrender is the term preferred, written about, sung about, taught on. At first glance they sound synonymous with each other. Although they do have similarities, they are also much different from each other.

Those tender first steps we walk with the Father as He beckons us to the cross come from a place of surrender. Here we find an exchange of the heaviness of life to the light yoke of Jesus. We find the love of the Father stretched out on a cross meant for us, but Jesus took our place.

As parents, the image of surrender fits inside the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham, in an authentic desire to obey and please the Father, takes his child by the hand and goes up to the mountain of sacrifice. Did he do it with a knowing in his spirit that the Father really would not take his son? We do not know. But we do know that he went through the motions of being a good father and parent and surrendered his son into God’s hands. For Abraham, surrender and obedience came with a ram in the thicket. God had provided a “way out” of the imminent death of his child. Abraham’s reward was to hold his promise (his son) in his arms for the rest of his days on earth.

As children of God, we shout out with sounds of joy as we pat ourselves on the back and say, “I surrender all,” as if we have made our walk up to the mountain of sacrifice as well. But what happens when that ram never reveals itself; when the cross is made for you and not Jesus?

What happens when you take your child by the hand and lead them to the foot of the cross and find out you do not get to hold your promise for the rest of your days? What happens when you look in horror at an altar that is marked with your child’s death and the reality that there is no ram to sacrifice instead as a way out?

The More Difficult Way of Abandonment

Abandonment. This is the longer and deeper walk on the road less traveled. Abandonment is to relinquish the right and ownership to what I hold most dear to my heart. Abandonment is to hold no desire or feeling of ownership of a thing or person, willingly giving up all rights and responsibility to another.  One who is fully abandoned to the Father has no desire for ownership of their life or the things they even love. Abandoned children of God do not have a desire to take back what was never theirs to begin with. There is no power struggle between deity and man in this place of holy abandonment.

Abandonment requires the release of all BUTS. We all have BUTS that are some of our best kept secrets of unrelinquished control over our life. They hide in the depths of our soul keeping our flesh in a place of comfort and security. If we dare to unmask them in a place of honesty and vulnerability, they sound a bit like this:

“Take my life, Jesus, BUT not my job. Do what you want, Jesus, BUT do not make me do that. I give you my marriage, Jesus, BUT I am not the one that needs to change. I give you all of me, BUT don’t let me get sick and die.”  And let us be , honest moms and dads, the biggest BUT in the room for us is, “Jesus, I give you my children, BUT keep them safe and from harm’s way.” BUT when the Father takes away your BUT and what you believe contradicts truth, what foundation will you stand on?

In one moment, what I thought I knew about Jesus and the Father was pulled out from underneath me and the mask suddenly came off my BUT that had been there all along. After all the years we spent declaring the word over our children, pleading the blood, interceding, teaching them the Word and taking them places to encounter His presence, the worst of all darkness had just happened? How could He allow this to happen? I trusted Him. Or did I?

Are We Being Honest With Ourselves?

The harsh truth is that I trusted Him on my own terms; the BUTS stood between us. I had to ask myself that if the perfect will of the Father meant that Hope was safer received in heaven than  saved for earth, was I going to be ok with that? Could I trust the Father when no BUTS stood between us? I felt uncomfortable, I felt insecure, I felt no place to stand my footing, until I realigned my perspective with His and came to this resolve:

  • I abandon my right to Hope. She was never mine and I have no rights to her.
  • I abandon my responsibility to save her into the hands of the only One who can.
  • I abandon my rights to receive the answers to all my questions.

God’s ways and thoughts are not mine. I finally released my control to the Father and removed the BUTS. This is the journey of abandonment.

Surrender is to reluctantly give up what you take ownership in; what you feel is yours with a list of terms and conditions to go along with it. When an army surrenders to another, they do it by force or a feeling of “having to.” There is no real trust to the one they surrendered to. Surrender is not necessarily giving up your rights to the person you surrendered to. Just because a nation must surrender land to another nation does not mean they do not feel that land is still theirs.

A feeling of rights, or ownership, often creates a battle of trying to take back what you think is yours. We often do the same thing with our surrender to the Lord. We lay something down, and with a lack of trust and full abandonment in the Lord, the next day we are trying to pick it back up.

For months, I was in a battle with the Father, trying to put a demand on my daughter. I wanted her here with me. I was determined that God was going to answer the questions I had because she was mine and it was not fair. I had surrendered her to Jesus at the mountain of sacrifice and deserved her in my arms all the days of my life.

Giving Up Our Rights Brings Healing

True healing started to come when I decided to abandon to the Father and give up my rights to have her with me, along with not getting the answers I so wanted. The battle between heaven and earth stopped when I began to say out loud, “Father, I give up my rights to Hope, she is yours and I trust you with her.”

The strings attached to the walk of my surrender gave way to the freedom, healing and peace that I found in abandonment.

Although the pain and grief remain, the higher perspective is my gain that earth cannot satisfy. “Take up your cross and follow me” (Matthew 16:24-26) was now not just a Christian cliché or my duty of obedience expecting the ram in the thicket, but a call to lay my life and the life of my family on the altar of abandonment, that we may lose our life to gain it.

I have begun the walk of abandoning my rights to have it my way, with my terms and conditions; to truly believe that the goodness of God will prevail (Exodus 34:6), and that all things work for the good of all who are called by His name (Romans 8:28).

I believe this higher walk of abandonment, this road less traveled, will become the walk to resurrection power for all of us who have partaken of His cup of suffering in such a deep sacrificial way. Vulnerability that leaves you before the cross naked, having given the unthinkable ALL, places a demand on a cloak from heaven threaded with scarlet and draped in resurrection power.

When “worthy of it all” becomes your highest worship and there is nothing left in your hands, the Father’s love and goodness will remain. Yes, the road the Father has allowed those of us who have lost a child to walk on, is a road full of pain and suffering. But I also believe it is a road of great honor and privilege that allows us to encounter and experience the Father in way that few get to. There is an intimate communion with the Father and His son, Jesus, who knows what it is like to truly give ALL. He has entrusted us to walk the road less traveled so that we may encounter His resurrection and true life that is found in full abandonment.

This is the hope of His glory; that His children would live a holy abandoned life and that their eyes would be fixed on eternity.

“So no wonder we don’t give up. For even though our outer person gradually wears out, our inner being is renewed every single day. We view our slight, short-lived troubles in the light of eternity. We see our difficulties as the substance that produces for us an eternal, weighty glory far beyond all comparison, because we do not focus our attention on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but the unseen realm is eternal,” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (TPT).

I pray you put on the lenses of eternity and learn to live from heaven’s perspective. The suffering of this world becomes so much dimmer with each step you take, and total abandonment becomes much easier. We will also realize that what we could not “save” our child from, is entering into their eternal home of glory ahead of us.

Some of this was shared in Laura’s recent interview with Alicia on the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast. To hear that conversation, and to have Alicia pray over you, click here.

Do you struggle with guilt, blaming yourself for not being able to save your child? This is not from God, and He wants to release you. If you would like help, let us send you Ten Tips to Help Overcome Grief. (This will also put you on our list to receive a Weekly Word of Hope that you can unsubscribe from at any time.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: abandonment and healing, abandonment in faith, abandonment in grief, child loss grief, Christian grief, Christian grief resources, coping with child loss, giving up control in grief, GPS Hope, grief and faith, grief journey, grief support, grieving parents, healing after child loss, Hope White grief story, overcoming guilt in grief, parental loss, suicide grief, trust in God after loss, trusting God through loss, trusting God with your child

October 2, 2022 by Laura Diehl 10 Comments

Taking Back Your Health after Child Loss

When we are in a place of emotional stress after the death of our child, it is all we can do to handle life day-to-day (or even minute-by-minute). We are in survival mode, and it is very common during that time to stop taking care of our bodies.

Unfortunately, that is one of the worst things we can do, because some of our emotions are tied up in our physical health. Think about it. When we are getting enough sleep, eating healthy food that is fuel for our bodies and moving around (even if it is just getting outside for a short walk), it can lift our spirits a bit, causing us to feel stronger emotionally.

I know at first, when the tragedy takes us to our knees, we don’t have much of a choice. Our body just kind of seems to take over as a response to the intense grief. Some of us find ourselves eating unhealthy “comfort foods” constantly. Others discover they don’t eat anything at all for a few days. Some of us can’t seem to stay awake and all we can do is sleep. Others want desperately to sleep, but even with sleep aids it still seems to elude them.

Me? I slept a lot and continually grabbed the comfort foods, which added another unwanted thirty pounds on my body. I struggled for ten years, trying to get my health back under control.

We all get to a point where the fog starts to lift, and we are left with the reality of the depth of our pain and horrific loss. Many of us continue in the pattern we found ourselves in, convincing ourselves we are helpless to stop.

I want to encourage you that is not true. What is usually happening, is that we see ourselves as a victim of the circumstance and let that become our identity. (My identity became, “I am the mother of a child who died.”) If we continue to believe that is our identity, we will continue to believe things won’t change, and we will continue to struggle, both emotionally and physically.

At some point, we will come to a place where we start making the choice. “Do I want to stay a victim and let that become my identity? Or do I want to figure out how to climb out of this pit of darkness and back into a place of hope and light and life?”

Is it time for you to make that choice of climbing out of the grief pit, taking a look at some of your unhealthy habits that can make it even more difficult to find your way out? Even if you are not at that place yet and are still in those early times where the grief consumes you, it is possible to start making your way out with teeny tiny baby steps, by taking back your health.

Take a minute and think: What is one small thing you can do, that you have let go? I’m not talking about making a commitment to doing this thing every day from now on. What can you do today, and maybe tomorrow? Then tomorrow ask yourself the same question.

If you miss a few days, don’t feel guilty. When you are ready again, just do one small thing toward taking back your health. Just keep working toward it, because it is worth the effort, no matter how small, as it begins to build!

As I shared, it took me over ten years to get serious about wanting to get healthy after my daughter, Becca, died. I have been able to lose over forty pounds (not quite down to my high school weight) and keep it off for several months now. But it has been more than just weight loss. There have been so many “non-scale” victories, as I am still learning how to live a healthy lifestyle that goes beyond just the food I put (or don’t put) in my mouth.

I knew what to do; I just wasn’t doing it, which is true for most of us. Surrounding yourself with those who are on the same journey, having others who are ahead of you cheering you on, learning how to change your mind set about things like food and healthy movement (notice I did not say working out) and having an easy way to fuel your body, could make all the difference for you, just like it did for me.

For several years, GPS Hope has had support and resources available to help with the spiritual, emotional and mental well-being after the death of our child. It has bothered me that we had nothing to offer for our physical well-being though, as I personally continued to have my own struggles in this area. Until now!

Because I am so convinced at how crucial it is that GPS Hope also has a way to provide support and resources for pareavors to get their health back, I have committed myself to being a health coach for pareavors who want extra help in this area.

Weight loss is difficult, but it is only one part of a true health journey. I would be happy to do a health assessment with you, to help you see where changes can be made on your health journey as a pareavor. We can also figure out if I would be a good fit as a health coach for you, and what that entails.

I have been able to go from destructive unhealthy habits in my grief that had me dragging, to a place of flourishing energy and good health, and have helped other pareavors do the same. Are you ready to make that same change of paths?

Click here to schedule a thirty minute one-on-one health assessment.

To hear more on this topic, listen to the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast, episode 179: Health and Self-Care After Child Loss.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

 

 

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: GPS Hope health support, grief and physical health, grief recovery wellness, grieving parent health journey, healing after child loss, health and grief support, Laura Diehl health coach, pareavor wellness, reclaiming strength in grief, self-care for bereaved parents, strength and stability after child loss

May 2, 2021 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Hope is More Than Just Wishful Thinking

When someone says they hope something will happen, it is usually a wishful thinking kind of thing. “I hope it won’t rain this weekend.” “I hope they figured out what is wrong with my car.” “I hope my puppy doesn’t get much bigger.”

The world’s definition of hope is so much different than what God means when He uses the word hope. Have you ever thought about how crazy it would be that when God talks about hope in the Bible, He is talking about wishful thinking?  Let’s read some Scriptures that way.

  • Psalm 33:22 Let your unfailing love surrounds us, Lord, for our wishful thinking is in you alone. (NLT)
  • Psalm 94:14 When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed wishful thoughts and cheer. (NLT)
  • Jeremiah 17:17 You alone are my wishful thoughts in the day of disaster. (NLT)
  • Romans 5:5 Now wishful thinking does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (NKJV)
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:13 …We don’t want you to grieve like other people who have no wishful thoughts. (GW)
  • Hebrews 6:19 This wishful thinking is a safe anchor for our souls. (NLV)

That is almost laughable, right? And yet, that is quite often how we interpret God’s hope, without even realizing it. When God talks about hope, He is talking about a confident expectation. It is the seed we plant that grows into faith and trust.

A great example is a little girl who hopes she will get married someday. That is the wishful thinking kind of hope. But one day a young man comes into her life, they fall deeply in love, and he gets down on one knee with a question and a ring. Her getting married is no longer wishful thinking. It is something she actually starts planning for with anticipation, knowing it is coming. There is a confident expectation that she is going to get married.

God’s hope is so much more than wishful thinking! It is something we can count on, knowing He is at work and hasn’t abandoned us in our greatest time of need.

Let’s look at the verses above, putting in God’s definition of hope; a confident expectation in God’s power, His love, and His ability and desire to bring us out of the darkness and back into light, giving us a life of meaning and purpose again.

  • Psalm 33:22 Let your unfailing love surrounds us, Lord, for our hope (confident expectation) is in you alone. (NLT)
  • Psalm 94:14 When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me a renewed hope (confident expectation) and cheer. (NLT)
  • Jeremiah 17:17 You alone are my hope (confident expectation) in the day of disaster. (NLT)
  • Romans 5:5 Now hope (confident expectation) does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (NKJV)
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:13 …We don’t want you to grieve like other people who have no hope (confident expectation). (GW)
  • Hebrews 6:19 This hope (confident expectation) is a safe anchor for our souls. (NLV)

Wishful thinking won’t get you out of your black hole of grief, but true hope will; the anticipation and confident expectation that God will pull you out of the suffocating darkness and put you on a path of life that leads you to fullness and satisfaction in walking out the destiny and purpose He still has for you.

Death and life… In God’s kingdom, life always comes from death, including the death of our own soul after our child died. The two can truly merge together.

Are you in God’s kingdom? Then you are in a place where there is full resurrection power. You can learn to live again. Allow God to plant His seed of hope right in the middle of your pain, and ask Him what you can do to nourish it, as you watch it grow into life.

 

No matter how broken you are today, tomorrow promises new hope. I am not talking about new wishes, but a new confidence in who God is and how He is at work in your pain.

Do you have a difficult time finding things that bring you comfort? We have put together a list of thirty ways on how to bring yourself comfort and take care of yourself after the death of your child. We know God is the ultimate comforter, but it can help when we know how to give Him something to work with and to flow through. 
Let us know below if you would GPS Hope to send you this list. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope, that is easy to unsubscribe from if you no longer want to receive it.


Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on our private Facebook page or our public Facebook page. 
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereavement support, comfort for grieving parents, confident expectation in grief, finding comfort after death, God's hope in grief, grief and hope, healing after child loss, healing through hope, hope beyond wishful thinking, trusting God after loss

February 21, 2021 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Under His Wings

By Bev Leckie

When my Mom passed away, she was finally honored for her love, for her faith, and for her persistence. We grew up with nothing, but we grew up with a mom who held on to her faith in the darkness of life.

She sang in the choir, but mostly she sang to her eight children in a Brooklyn “railroad flat”, two bedrooms with four beds, bedrooms fully open one to the other, with all eight of us sleeping 2 to a bed, heads at different ends. Mom sat on one of the beds and began to sing the old hymns I still love, until we all fell asleep. She sang the songs of faith that tell me much more about my Mom and my God today than they did decades ago. And one of those hymns was almost always, Under His Wings, which was one of my mom’s most favorite songs.

As much as Mom knew and persisted through a deep depth of darkness as she fought to bring her children to adulthood, she clung desperately to her faith. She begged God for the reality of the words that she sang. She yearned for her God, and she knew the refuge He could give in sorrow. And, yes, she hid beneath His wings of love, shelter, and protection until Jesus called her home to Heaven.

When my own daughter died, my Mom would have done anything she could to protect me from the ravages of pain and emptiness, questions, guilt, shame, and the isolating loneliness that the death of a child can bring.

My Mom could do none of that, but her words of truth, in time, penetrated my grief and sent me to the God who wanted to draw me close, cover me with His presence, and in a profuse outpouring, immerse me in the faithfulness of His promises.

Roy Lessin says, “Being under His wings means being close to His heart – you are not only sheltered, you are loved; you are not only secure, you are cared for; you are not only covered, you are reassured.”

I have said many times that what I most wanted in my grief was to know with absolute certainty, that my God is right here – to know that I am not alone, and to know that my emptiness and my tears are softened and quieted by a presence that can come no closer.

God’s faithfulness, though, embraces both me and my child. It is a forever faithfulness, a faithfulness of redemption, and a faithfulness that transcends from temporal to eternal. It is a faithfulness consistent with His heart of love for both me and my child; a faithful love that longs to embrace both me and my child in the eternal perfections of Heaven; a place where my child can not only dance with Jesus, but some day, I too, can dance with my child.

And while I wait in the temporal, God’s redemptive faithfulness brings beauty from the ashes of tragedy. As I rest beneath the sheltering protection of His wings, I will also find that my child is not forgotten, and the light of my child’s short life can still shine.

 

Under His wings, under His wings, who from His love can sever? Under His wings, my soul shall abide, safely abide forever. 

 Thank You, thank You, precious Father, for the faithful warmth of Your embrace.

(Related Bible reading: Psalm 91:4)

 

Bev Leckie’s life has been a miracle of grace as she has watched God transform a childhood and youth of dysfunction, abuse, and wrong choices, and then the death of her daughter after a full term pregnancy, into outreaches of compassion and understanding.

She has served alongside her pastor husband for almost 50 years in both South Carolina and California.  Having a heart for women, she has mentored those with abusive histories, and then found Umbrella Ministries, giving her both comfort and a connection through which she could share the comfort God has given her with other grieving moms.  And through it all, God has allowed her to write, ultimately focusing primarily on devotional writing for women, those who grieve or struggle in other areas, and those just called to do life. To contact Bev, email her at bleckie@sbcglobal.net.

 

Do you have a difficult time finding things that bring you comfort? We have put together a list of thirty ways on how to bring yourself comfort and take care of yourself after the death of your child. We know God is the ultimate comforter, but it can help when we know how to give Him something to work with and to flow through. 
Let us know below if you would GPS Hope to send you this list. You will also begin to receive a Weekly Word of Hope, that is easy to unsubscribe from if you no longer want to receive it.

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

 

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: bereaved mothers, bereaved parent support, child death support, Christian grief support, comfort after death of child, comfort for grieving parents, coping with child loss, faith and grief, God's faithfulness in grief, grief after child loss, grief analogies, grief and faith, grief and God’s promises, grief comfort tips, grief coping strategies, grief healing resources, grief support for parents, grieving mothers resources, healing after child loss, losing a child, Psalm 91:4, under God’s wings, under His wings

February 7, 2021 by Laura Diehl Leave a Comment

Our Grief is a Full-Time Job!

It can be exhausting trying to explain to family and friends why we don’t want to (or can’t) celebrate holidays and special events like we have in the past, especially when they just don’t get it. Friends and family who mean well, can even insist that joining in the celebrations and festivities is just what we need. They tell us it is the best thing we can do to “get back to normal.”

Insert loud “wrong answer” buzzer-sound right about now!

Here is something that might help to explain our grief, if not to others, at least to yourself.

For those first few months up to two or three years, grieving the death of our child is like having a full-time job with overtime! It consumes us. It takes everything we have, whether we want it to or not. It drains us, leaving us to feel like there is just no way we can go on.

Eventually, our grief becomes more like a full-time job, thankfully without all the constant overtime. It usually sneaks up on us around three to five years into our grief, and we don’t even realize it at first.

Grieving the death of our child is still the greatest part of our life. It still drains us and exhausts us, but now we have times of reprieve. We can go out and do something without feeling like we are on the verge of falling apart. We can join certain activities or family events (even if we aren’t ready to stay the whole time) and have some smiles and laughs without feeling guilty. We can watch a movie and actually enjoy it, instead of just staring at the screen, oblivious to what we are watching.

We clock back in to our full-time job of grieving afterwards, but it isn’t all-consuming anymore, although we can still slip into overtime for a few days (even weeks) here and there.

Then, after several years of really hard work, we find ourselves able to go down to part-time grief. However, we are always “on call” because our grief is like an undercurrent, ready to surface in a split second. Sometimes we know there is something coming that will be a trigger, and other times we get slapped with it out of the blue with no warning, in a place we least expect it.

When that happens, we clock back in to increase our grief work time. Sometimes we are clocked in for a few minutes or hours. Sometimes it is for a day or two. And there are occasional times, when we need to go back to full-time, such as when our child should be graduating with their classmates, or a wedding happens that our child would have been in.

And yes, there will still be rare times when we go back to overtime, like the death of another close family member that triggers our deep grief. Eight years after my daughter, Becca, died, I found myself sobbing and wailing at my dad’s casket. I didn’t even do that at Becca’s casket, but when I saw the boutonniere from her wedding pinned to his suit, I just totally lost it. I even knew it was going to be there, but it affected me so much more deeply than I anticipated. I was out-of-sorts for a few weeks, having a hard time focusing and functioning. (Then seven weeks later my mother-in-law, whom I loved dearly, passed away in her sleep, which didn’t help at all!)

I am so glad to be back to part-time right now. But I know there will continue to be times when it goes back to fulltime for a while, and unfortunately, also overtime. But thankfully, that is very rare.

Where are you right now? Are you on overtime, fulltime, or part time grief? It’s all hard work, but the overtime is just outright brutal! If that’s where you are, what can you do to give yourself a short break now and then?

We can’t stop the overtime until that work project is complete, but we can and need to take as many breaks as possible, no matter how short they are. The Holy Spirit knows exactly what you need and when you need it. If you feel a prompting to do something that doesn’t make a lot of sense (obviously nothing harmful), then follow through on those promptings. You just never know how it will lift your load just a bit.

 

Do you struggle with self-care? We have put together a list of 30 simple things you can do, to take care of yourself and bring yourself comfort. Let us know below where to send it. (You will also begin to receive our Weekly Word of Hope, which you can unsubscribe from at any time.)

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). The founders, Dave and Laura Diehl, travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, and bringing intimate weekend retreats to bereaved parents. Laura is also a singer/songwriter and the author of multiple award-winning books.

If you would like more information about bringing Dave and Laura to you for an event, please send an email to office@gpshope.org.

If you are interested in bringing GPS Hope to your area for a weekend retreat click here.

 

  • Check out the Grieving Parents Sharing Hope weekly podcast
  • Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel. 
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.

 

Filed Under: Expressions of Hope Tagged With: child death support, coping strategies for grief, coping with grief, dealing with grief anniversaries, dealing with grief triggers, grief after several years, grief and healing, grief and triggers, grief journey, grief support for parents, grief support tips, grieving child death, grieving full-time job, grieving mother, grieving overtime, healing after child loss, long-term grief, managing grief, navigating grief, part-time grief, self-care after child loss, stages of grief, surviving child loss

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