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Looking Out the Window of Fear

Fear brings torment, and as parents grieving the earthly loss of our child, it is easy to feel the full weight of that torment.

What are some of those fears?

• That going forward with your life will cause those around you to forget your child ever lived
• That there will be moments when you don’t think about or even miss your child
• That laughing or having fun without your child means you’re a bad parent
• That you may lose your other children, making it hard to let them go (either out of your sight or to grow up and be on their own)
• That your child may not be in heaven     

If we are afraid of something, it means that thing has more power over us than we do over it. So, if we are afraid to face the pain of our grief and work our way through it, our fear will continue to control us.

There is something much more powerful than our deepest fears: God’s love for us! God’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). If we have fear, it is because we don’t believe in His perfect love for us. And that’s understandable, because it is hard to reconcile in our minds how we can trust a God who says He loves us and yet allowed this terrible thing to happen to our child and to us.

I can offer no easy fix or solution to this, although it is very black-and-white. We either believe God is good and Satan is evil, or we don’t. We either fear that God isn’t big enough or we have faith that He is more than enough.

Making a Shift in How You See God

I want to share with you a few things to help make a shift in how you see God in the midst of your fears, caused by the pain of your tragedy.

1.  Some parents are helped by the realization that their child is not missing; he or she is simply absent.

To be absent means not to be present for the moment. The Bible says that for someone who has accepted the gift of salvation, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8).

This is one of those times where perspective can change everything. I can either focus on my personal loss that my child is absent from this earth, or I can focus on the fact that my child is present with the Lord. My daughter, Becca, is absent from my presence for now, but not forever.

2. Reading the book of Psalms in the Bible can be extremely helpful.

Over and over the writer cries out for help from a very dark place of despair. And God responds by being a rock, a refuge and help in times of need. I spend a lot of time there when I “relapse” and find myself struggling with the pain and reality that Becca is gone from this earth and I won’t see her again until I join her in heaven.

3. Don’t keep looking back, allowing yourself to be paralyzed by the pain.

I am so sorry to say this, and I am not trying to be cruel, but simply want to set you free; no matter how much you want your child’s life back, it isn’t going to happen. I did that, and here is what God spoke to me one day.

Laura, DON’T LOOK BACK! Go forward with everything you’ve got! Lot’s wife looked back and she was frozen to a place where she died. She could not go anywhere because she looked back. I know that may seem harsh, but it will become a tormenting fear that will paralyze you. Don’t look back at the crushing; if you look back to ponder and relive the death, you won’t be able to walk in the power of My resurrection life… You will grow stronger in it each day you come up to Me to drink. Drink daily. Drink deeply. For it will truly be a wellspring of life in you and through you.

I have made the choice to refuse to remain focused on the pain of my loss. I am determined to go forward, focused on who and what I still have. I have given God the shattered pieces of my life and am watching Him not only fix it but make it into something that is actually beautiful. Only a God who specializes in miracles can do that!

I also refuse to live in fear of the “what ifs” of more loss. If that happens, I know that I know that I know God will give me the grace I need to get through it. Why waste my time on the darkness of fearing what will probably never happen? I would much rather live my life full of light and hope of a better tomorrow, both here on earth and in my eternal home with Becca. You and I both are blessed with so much that has not been taken from us. Most of us know that in our heads and are waiting for our hearts to catch up.

What fears are you carrying right now? Are they things God would have you carry? Let me answer that for you. No, they are not. So, are you willing to lay them down at the feet of Jesus, who is sitting on His throne as King, and leave them there so you can move forward in freedom?

Fear and faith have the same root, which is belief in the unknown.

Which “unknown” are you going to start believing in and acting on? I recommend faith.

 

This article is adapted from Chapter 8 of the book When Tragedy Strikes. To receive the full chapter, which includes discussing the fear of our child not being in heaven, simply submit your name and email address and it will be sent directly to you immediately.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Four Ways to Help Yourself During the Holiday Season

We all know the end-of-the-year holidays can leave one frazzled, but they can be outright brutal when dealing with deep grief at the same time.

Many of us have become experts at putting the needs of others ahead of our own, allowing ourselves to suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually (with all kinds of excuses and ways of justifying it to ourselves). And we often pay a high price in the end.

Let’s not do that to ourselves this year. Let’s do the smart thing for everyone around us, and “put the oxygen mask on ourselves first,” so that we are better equipped to do things for others.

The short version of the four easy ways to pamper yourself

1. Listen to music
2. Make sure you are drinking water
3. Cut out activities
4. Treat yourself

Listen to music

God created music to be a pathway to our souls. Of course, we have an enemy who is very good at using anything, including music, to affect us in a negative way. (And many Bible scholars believe he was created as a musician in heaven before he was cast out, based on studies of the meaning of verses like Ezekiel 28:13, and he now specifically uses music to pull us away from God and Truth instead of worshiping the One who deserves it all.)

Music can either pull us up or make us sink into a pit of darkness. And if we are honest with ourselves, sometimes in our grief, we purposely choose dark music that will take us further down the path of depression.

If you are weary and need some energy, put on music that will make your toes want to tap, even if just on the inside.

Tip: When you don’t “feel” like it, is usually when you need to do it the most. So just go for it. What have you got to lose?

If you are in a place of darkness and need peace and hope, I highly encourage you to listen to music that will draw you out of that darkness. It may be just instrumental music. It might be songs of hope, or songs about heaven. You know what kind of songs are the pathway to your soul, which will lift you up and give you the needed inner healing balm.

When the house is either empty or quiet for the night, grab your favorite warm beverage, sit in a comfy chair and let the music just wash over your soul.

Tip: I have a variety of play lists on YouTube, as the songs for that needed oomph or for calmness in my storm can change from day-to-day.

Water

I am not going to say too much about this, except to remind you that we don’t realize how dehydrated we get and how that wreaks havoc on our bodies and emotions. Just some of the symptoms are headaches, low energy, lack of focus, poor digestion, mood swings, muscle fatigue and dizziness (which is a symptom that has plagued me in the past until I started drinking more water).

And this time of year, we tend to drink more of other beverages like eggnog, soda, wine, etc. causing us to drink even less water than normal.

Tip: Fill up four water bottles first thing in the morning. Make sure you keep one with you at all times, sipping on it throughout the day. If you drink all four water bottles by the end of your day, you will find yourself starting to feel much better. It is truly amazing how getting more water into our bodies will affect us!

Cut out activities

There are some things we think we “need” to do, that we really don’t. If you are continuing something because you are either being pressured or are concerned what other people will think if you don’t participate, that is the WRONG reason to keep going. I mean it! And that includes things like Sunday night or mid-week church services. Yes, I said it. If these things are draining you right now, and you dread going, don’t let people guilt you into it.

If you are grieving, you are in recovery. And quite often, recovery means staying home and taking care of yourself. It’s okay and I give you full permission. Don’t continue doing things that take up time and energy that you just don’t have right now.

Tip: Realize that unsolicited opinions of others who are not in deep grief just don’t matter at this point.

Treat yourself

I don’t mean to an extra cookie or a glass of eggnog. I mean something that makes you feel pampered and relaxed, like going out for a massage or a pedicure, or going to a professional Christmas concert/show like The Nutcracker.

Taking some time to treat ourselves triggers a message in our brains that we are valuable and allows us to enjoy ourselves, even if just for an hour or two. This self-care can go a long way in helping us through some of the darker moments of the season.

Tip: If you don’t have the finances to treat yourself in this way, when someone asks what you want for Christmas, let them know how much you want an early gift of a massage or a pedicure to help you make through to December 25th.

 

I know I have already shared four things, but please allow me to throw in one more, as an added bonus.

Take a warm bath

Let me rephrase that: Soak in a hot bath with Epsom salts, burning aromatherapy candles and playing soft music. Much better!
You may tell yourself that you just don’t have time to do something like that, or that it isn’t worth the time and energy to go to all that trouble.

I know, because I have talked myself out of it way too many times. But this is truly something that can be pushed from the luxury column to the necessity column in your life. It affects so many areas when we are over-maxed and over-stressed. And what a way to end your day! Just thinking about it makes me feel more relaxed.

Tip: Plan this a few days ahead, letting your family know. The anticipation will make it all the more wonderful when you climb in.
This time of year can be wonderful and magical, but for many, it is dreaded and draining, especially those who are in deep grief, like a parent who has lost a child. We just want to sleep through it all and wake up in January.

 

I hope these suggestions will help you make it through with a bit more peace and give you a spark of light in your time of darkness.

Would you like more suggestions to help you pamper and take care of yourself? Get a list of thirty ideas sent straight to your email by submitting it below. (This is written specifically for grieving parents but can easily be adapted for any deep loss.)

Yes, please send me Thirty Suggestions to Help Bring Ourselves Comfort and Take Care of Ourselves Body, Soul, and Spirit.

If you are a bereaved parent and would like to connect with others in a meaningful way this Christmas season, join me live on Facebook each Sunday evening as we light a candle and I share a word of encouragement within the pain of not having our child during the holiday season. Just click here for more information.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

• If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
• If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
• Subscribe to Laura’s YouTube channel.

This blog is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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The Holiday Season vs. Grief

The holiday season brings many emotions to the surface, doesn’t it? And if you have lost someone who was dear to you from this earth within the past year, it can easily evoke dark, painful emotions you may have never experienced before.

For those who have faced a deep loss, the holidays are a reminder of your missing loved one. Some don’t even want to acknowledge Thanksgiving Day or Christmas, as the pain of who is missing is greater than the joy of who is still here.

Only those who have experienced this can understand and agree with what I am saying. To those who are blessed to have not yet faced a tragic deep loss, this doesn’t make any sense, which can cause conflict among families, because each person will have a different way of grieving, based on their own personality and their personal relationship with the family member who is now gone.

Most of us try to “enjoy” the season for those around us who weren’t affected as deeply, don’t we? Especially if there are young children or grandchildren around. But it is difficult, because our hearts can be so heavy. Even within the joy of seeing their excitement, there is often an undercurrent of sadness that just won’t seem to go away.

I want to let you know that it is okay, even normal, to have this struggle. And I want to release you from feeling guilty about it. Give yourself grace, just like you would a friend if they were in the same situation.

You see, grief is not an event. Death is an event, but grief is a process. In fact, it is a life-long process.

Some people will parrot the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” I don’t agree. The wounds of having someone very dear to us leave this earth is one that will be with us until it is our turn to leave. BUT that doesn’t mean it will always hurt so deeply. Time will allow the pain to lessen, if we lean into it and allow ourselves to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, holding the hand of the One who can give us the strength we need.

I like to use the acronym for HOPE: Hold On Pain Eases

My oldest daughter, Becca, loved the holidays. She especially loved Christmas. She loved decorating. She loved shopping (including the Black Friday sales). She loved the Christmas music. She loved the family spending time together. She loved everything about it.

When Becca died on October 12, 2011, I don’t even remember that first holiday season. Everything was a painful blur.

I didn’t think it was even possible, but the second year was even more painful than the first. About the only thing I remember about that second holiday season was one of my sons giving me a Christmas gift of a beautiful heart ornament that was hand painted in Becca’s memory.

The following couple of years my heart still struggled to be part of the holiday season. I went through the motions for the sake of the family, especially my grandchildren.

One year, Becca’s collection of Snow Buddies made it to my house, and I agonized over whether I wanted to set out her favorite Christmas display in my home.

I did it.

I cried some pretty hefty tears while pulling them out and setting them up, but once they were all out and displayed, it felt like she wasn’t quite so far away anymore.

I didn’t think it would ever happen, but I realized I was actually making the shift from feeling like the holidays were a slap-in-the-face reminder of my daughter being gone, to wanting the reminders because they had become warm memories I longed to embrace.

There was something behind all of this, that made it even possible.

…HOPE…

  • I had hope that my life would not always be this desolate and painful.
  • I had hope that God had not reached His limit on being able to help me through this suffocating darkness
  • I had hope in God’s resurrection power; that He could and wanted to breathe life back into me, when I felt like I died after the death of my daughter.

 

As the hope I had took root and started to grow, other things began to grow as well.

And believe it or not, this time of year is one of the best times for that growth to happen for those of us who are grieving.

Why?

First, because being grateful opens the door to making a needed shift in our focus. There is no question Thanksgiving is a bittersweet time for anyone who has faced a deep loss. We can’t stop the unexpected grief waves that attack which can make our hearts feel shattered into a million pieces. But after we allow ourselves the needed time to lean into the grief, we can make the decision whether we are going to stay there and wallow in it or take steps to pull ourselves out of the grief pit.

In other words, at some point we get to choose if we are going to dwell on the bitter, or on the sweet. And one of the quickest ways to cross over from the bitter to the sweet is to start listing (literally on paper is best) the good things we have in our lives. It can be as simple as “being able to smell the turkey as it cooks” to something as deep as, “I had twenty-nine wonderful years with her that I will never lose.”

And when it comes to Christmas, the whole reason Jesus came to this earth as a baby was to become a man and die so that we could have Life. God the Father knows what it is like to have someone very close to Him die, as He watched the torturous murder of His Son. He did that as an exchange for us, so that we would not have to stay in our place of suffocating darkness and pain of grief.

Once again, I want to acknowledge that we are going to have many surprise grief attacks that we will need to allow ourselves to lean into fully, whatever that looks like for each of us in that moment. And the fresher the loss, the more of an undercurrent of pain and sadness we will have throughout the season. But we will get to a point (if not this year, then probably within the next year or two) where we can choose whether our main focus is going to be on death, or life.

Our loved one died, but they also lived. Jesus died, so He could bring life. Not just eternal life after we die, but a fulfilled life after a tragic and painful loss. It won’t look the same… we won’t be the same… but we can still have life after death, here on this earth.

So, go ahead and grieve your loss that hurts so deeply. It is okay and necessary to feel that. But also have hope within that grief and remember: Hold On Pain Eases.

 

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If you would like to give a “gift” to your departed loved one this year, you may want to consider sponsoring an “In Loving Memory” heart decal, to be placed on the Hope Mobile. We would be honored to take him or her with us as we travel around the nation, keeping your loved one’s memory alive. (And it would be a gift to GPS Hope as well, since 100% of the proceeds goes directly into helping us continue our full-time ministry.) CLICK HERE to see the heart decals and find out more. 

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.
  • If you are not a bereaved parent but want to support those who are, or want to follow us as we give hope to these precious parents, please connect with us at Friends of GPS Hope on Facebook.
  • If you are a bereaved parent, we encourage you to connect with us on Facebook.
  • Subscribe  to Laura’s YouTube channel for grieving parents.

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Hope and Help for the Upcoming Christmas Season

 

Advent is a time of waiting; waiting for the coming or arrival of something. This is the season when “advent” is waiting for the arrival of Christmas, when we celebrate the fact that Jesus was born as a baby and entered our world. For most, it is a time of joyful anticipation, mixed with frazzled busyness.

But for many of us who have faced the death of our child, it is a time of waiting for the season to just… be…over. There are so many painful reminders of who we are missing, and painful reminders of what will never be.

We are also waiting to be reunited with our child, and that can’t seem to come soon enough. I remember in that first year after Becca died, telling God to just kill me, so I could be done here. Even though I had four other children, I just couldn’t get past the pain of having Becca gone, to be able to enjoy and love the ones who were still here.

Most of us are not suicidal. We just don’t want to live any more. I believe God knew from the very beginning of time that we would struggle with feeling so hopeless in our grief, and He did something about it.

Even though the Christmas season is all about Jesus entering the world of the humans He created and becoming one of us, the purpose of His birth was to die, so that we could have life. Not just life after we leave this world, but abundant life here on this earth (John 10:10). And believe it or not, He still wants to make good on that gift, that promise, in your life, after the death of your child.

God tells us that He is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18). I don’t think there is anyone more broken hearted than those of us who have lost a child.

But no matter how broken you are today, tomorrow always promises new hope.

Why is that?

Because it may have looked like Jesus came as a sweet little baby, and He did. But he also came as a mighty King! We know He didn’t come as an earthly king to overthrow an earthly government, but to overthrow Satan, the spiritual ruler of this world, and to nullify the eternal effects of the horrible things Satan puts in our individual lives while we are here on this earth.

Jesus is not a ruthless king, although we might think so after the death of our child. Yes, He came to right the wrongs, but not the way we often think. (Just like it wasn’t the way the disciples thought.) He didn’t come for a temporary earthly fix. He came to make things permanent, for all of eternity.

He is the Alpha and the Omega (Revelation 1:8) which means He is the beginning of all things and He is the end of all things. Not only does He have the final word, He IS the final Word!

I want you to think about this. Jesus, our King, has never lost a battle that He was brought into. His strategies will often be different than ours, and there may be times we don’t like the playing field we find ourselves on, but when we bring Him into our battle, He always has the final Word, and the final victory!

There is a song that has been around for many years that says, “Sometimes He calms the storm, but sometimes He calms His child.” Earthly kings might be able to control some physical things here and there, but only King Jesus can bring His Kingdom inside of us. For instance, He can bring peace to our shattered hearts. That is a much greater rule than any earthly king or kingdom!

The Gift of Peace

Jesus is also our shepherd.

John chapter ten talks about the thief (the enemy who is after the sheep) who comes to steal, kill, and destroy them. The enemy attacks the flock and scatters it.

But we have a good shepherd, Jesus, who will leave the ninety-nine sheep to go after the one sheep who has been attacked and is lost and wounded. That would be you and me.

Psalm 23 says, “The Lord ADONAI is my shepherd… He restores my inner person (my soul)” (CJB).

And the best part is that it doesn’t matter how far away you are from God in your anger or unforgiveness; God has peace for you. How do I know this? He tells us in Isaiah 57:19 and Ephesians 2:17 that there is peace to those both far and near.

How about another promise from the One who has the final word? Jeremiah 33:6 states, “I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace.” He will heal your wounded shattered heart. Maybe not as soon as we want, and not even a complete healing here on this earth, but He will do it!

Jesus is our shepherd, to guide us into a place of peace; a peace that doesn’t make any sense after the death of our child. But their death isn’t the end, it is not the final word.

Peace is being extended to us. Our part is to let go of what we are carrying that keeps us from accepting His gift of peace. It is an exchange. We give Him our fear, anger, doubts, bitterness and so on, and He gives us peace. Sounds like a pretty good deal on our end!

Most of us are familiar with the promise in the book of Revelation about God wiping all the tears. But did you know it is because He is our shepherd? It is found in chapter 7, verse 17 and says, “For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes,” (NIV).

Prayer: Jesus, thank you for having the final word in my child’s life and in my life. And thank you that one of those final words is peace for my life. Help me to let go of the things that are keeping me from accepting that gift of peace. Amen.

This was taken from the book Hope for the Future: An Advent Book for Bereaved Parents.

Every year, the four Sundays before Christmas, author Laura Diehl, has a live Facebook time with bereaved parents, lighting an advent candle and bringing a word of encouragement within the pain of not having our child during the holiday season.

If you would like to participate, head to the GPS Hope Facebook page at 8:30PM Central on those four Sunday evenings. And while you are there, be sure to “like” and “follow” the GPS Hope Facebook page so you will continue getting hope and encouragement as a bereaved parent.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Stop Telling Me I Need to be Thankful

Yes, this is the time of year where “thankfulness” abounds. It is everywhere we turn, from store decorations to commercials to Facebook posts.

But what do we do, when thankfulness is the furthest thing from our minds, and definitely not in our hearts? Do we stay in our house and pull the curtains tight? Do we yell at the TV, telling people who can’t hear us to stop it? Do we stay off social media, so we don’t have to feel like we are gagging at how happy and thankful everyone else is?

Yes, we might do all of those things and much more.

I KNOW how hard it is to be thankful or grateful this time of year, especially when those around us who have never lost a child tells us that is what we should do, because it will make us feel better!!!

Unless you can bring my child back, don’t tell me what to do to make me feel better! Right?

It has been seven years since Becca died, and this is a holiday I still struggle with, but for a different reason than you might think. You see, the last memory of all of us together for this holiday was at Becca’s house.

My Last Thanksgiving with My Daughter

Becca was very ill with severe heart damage (needing a heart transplant) and wheelchair bound. But in her LOVE for hosting and entertaining (it was a God-given gift she was quite good at) she begged to have Thanksgiving at her house instead of the tradition of everyone coming to ours. There were several people who said it would just be too hard; that she couldn’t do it. I knew I would still be the one making most of the food, and preferred using my own kitchen, but something in me knew she really needed to do this. So, I rallied around her, and convinced everyone (including her husband who would also need to shoulder much of the load) to let Becca host the family.

If you know anything about Becca, she always went (what some would consider) way overboard in decorating and preparing when she hosted, which is what made her so good at it. She was also OCD, and everything had to be done to her idea of perfection. (Not always a good combination, I must say…) And what made it worse that particular Thanksgiving Day, was that the only place to fit all fourteen of us was in their basement. This meant that she had to be carried up and down the stairs, with her wheelchair following, to be put back in it. It was a lot of extra work for several of us, causing some frazzled nerves for sure.

But she did it and was SO happy that day as we sat down to eat! My tears are running down my face right now, thinking about it.

This is one of those very bittersweet memories for sure.

And it is my choice to either dwell on the bitter, or on the sweet. As you well know, thinking about the pain of the deep loss, keeps us sucked under the suffocating darkness of grief. BUT, if we force ourselves to dwell on the sweet, such as how super glad I am that I convinced the rest of the family to let Becca host us, on what became her last Thanksgiving here on earth with us, and the wonderful memories I have because of it, I find myself so very thankful. (Oops, there is that word…)

And there you have it. You get to make the choice. Not because others tell you that you should, but because you want your memories to not only give you pain, but to also bring a smile to your heart within that pain.

If this is your first or second year without your child during the holiday season, it might not be possible yet. And that’s okay. But just know that you can eventually become thankful for the memories and the times you had, instead of swallowed up in indescribable pain at not having your child with you. It is possible.

From my personal experience, and many others who are on the same road, we have learned that finding even the tiniest things to be thankful for can start to make a huge difference on this journey. But it isn’t because someone told you that is what you should do. It is because you are ready to make a shift out of the darkness, and realize that this is one of those steps toward the light.

Are you already dreading the Christmas season? I invite you to join me each Sunday live during the advent season, to walk through this difficult time of year together, acknowledging Emmanuel, God with us, within the painful earthly loss of our children. To find out more about it, click here.

 

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

Expressions of Hope is written by author and speaker Laura Diehl. Laura is a national keynote speaker and also a workshop speaker for both The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences. Laura has also been a guest on Open to Hope several times, and has hosted her own conferences, a virtual conference and many webinars. If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event, click here.

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