GPS Hope

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Child Loss, PTSD and God

My mom sent me a text Sunday that she was thinking of me and praying for me. We had been at their house the day before. She said, “Hope everything is all right. I see the sadness in your eyes.”

We were at a friend’s house and I had to go to the bathroom and sob for a moment.

I never really noticed what she was talking about until I looked back the day before at some pictures I took after doing my “fall look.” It was an eye opener for me, and I thought, “Wow! The eyes really are the gateway to the soul.”

PTSD is real. Trauma is real. Loss is real.

My daughter Zoey’s 1st birthday is coming up and I have NOT been okay.

Grief is such an important subject. For a lot of people, it is a lifelong journey. I think it may even be safe to say that it is a lifetime process.

For some reason, I noticed that when someone either loses a baby during pregnancy (like we lost Sheldon) or has a baby in the NICU (like when our little Zoey was born), not much is said. Maybe I noticed because they both happened to me, and I was more vocal.

I also noticed that when I was more vocal, others became more vocal. This opened a safe space for conversation and relatability to take place, which is a beautiful thing for anyone who has experienced loss or disappointment of any kind.

The Battle of Our Thoughts

During those times, I battled with a few of these thoughts:

“I don’t want the attention.”

“This is embarrassing that I’m upset; others have been through worse.”

“I don’t want to cause others pain.”

“I shouldn’t feel this way.”

The list goes on.

Zoey’s first birthday is Monday, and I have been feeling similar feelings like the day we found out Sheldon was no longer with us.

On that day, these feelings started even before the ultrasound appointment though, so we didn’t know that our baby was with Jesus at that point.

We had a gender reveal party planned the same day as the ultrasound. I know it’s horrible, but I didn’t buy ANY decorations. I didn’t buy ANY food for the party. I didn’t even clean my house. This is very unlike me. It was as if I knew he was already gone and there was nothing to celebrate.

Those feelings of not wanting to do anything for the gender reveal party are the same feelings I’m having for Zoey’s first birthday. Why? Why would I feel this way? She is alive and well! She is worth being celebrated! So why do I feel this way??

It wasn’t until I began to tell these things to my husband and best friend that I recognized the PTSD and trauma that I had faced almost a year ago. Let me be crystal clear. I am so thankful. I cry all the time because of how thankful I am. So, hear my heart.

We Need to Feel Our Pain and Grief

The redemption and miracles do not replace the feelings of loss, PTSD and trauma. These feelings are very real and when they come, we cannot give in to shame, call our feelings stupid, say we need to just be grateful for XYZ, or to just “get over it.” We need to feel them and process them with Jesus and with our safe people.

You see, Jesus knew I needed to read the story of Lazarus hours before we found out Sheldon was with Him, because He knew the impact that story would have in my life even now. That was a massive miracle in and of itself.

August 7th, 2018, the day of our ultrasound, where nothing was cleaned, decorated or prepped for a gender reveal party, the Lord nudged me to crawl into His lap in our chair and open the Word. He said, “Come be with Me.” And as I did, I flipped through the Word and read about His connection with His disciples. I ended on the story of Lazarus, and I fell asleep. And the Lord is reminding me today that Jesus knew His friend Lazarus was going to be raised from the dead, yet He still wept. He felt the grief and sadness of those around Him and He, too, was sad.

So, He felt, and He cried. He is always the perfect example.

God knows what we need before we know.

He prepares our hearts and reveals His perfect ways through whispers like, “I have a plan. Trust Me.” He reveals His goodness through onesies that say, “tiny miracle.” He redeemed SO MUCH from August 9th, 2018 when I had to give birth to a baby who would never take a breath on this earth.

On September 14, 2019, the nurse who had been with us through every step of Sheldon’s delivery was the same nurse who was in the room during Zoey’s emergency c-section.   My doctor was not on call. She was not even in the hospital, and I so desperately wanted to text her. I had her number from after losing Sheldon, but I knew that would be a breach of something, so I decided that the Lord knew. He knew which doctor was going to be here, and I trusted Him.

As they were about to do the surgery, I had tears of relief as I heard my doctor’s voice! She came in just for me. Was that a coincidence? I don’t believe in them. I believe Jesus cares about what we care about. He is delighted when we put our trust in Him. He also is delighted when we trust Him with our feelings…good or bad.

We Need to Process Our Pain and Grief

The redemption and miracles were not meant to cover the feelings of loss, disappointment, PTSD and trauma. They are meant to carry us through them. Process your feelings with Jesus. Process them with your spouse, and/or a safe friend. This is vital to your spiritual growth. No more feeling bad for feeling! Jesus felt it all for us. Your feelings matter.

When we process and feel these hard, sometimes scary things, there is beauty and new perspective that Jesus brings.

I wanted to exclusively breastfeed and I wanted to deliver our miracle girl naturally. These were 2 BIG DESIRES that I laid at His feet. I remember driving and speaking these things out loud to Him.  I remember saying, “Lord you know what is best for me. You know what is best for her. So, I lay these wants at your feet. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”

I didn’t get to deliver her naturally. It wasn’t peaceful. It was chaotic. It was traumatic. It was anything but what I had pictured for our redemption testimony. I think we can get so caught up in how we want things to look, that when things don’t look that way, we begin to doubt His promises. Even when there are miracles wrapped around it all, we can lose sight.

I didn’t get to exclusively breastfeed. I’d been pumping from day one. I surrendered those things to Him. Little did I know that those precious desires were my burnt offering to Him, and it hurts! It is so painful to not have things happen the way we want them to.

If we aren’t real with these feelings for the fear of not seeming grateful or being selfish, etc., it may hinder us from experiencing His true joy over us. So, feel my friends. I release you from any expectation you may have of yourself or that others may have of you.

Your Feelings and Your Pain Matter to God

Your feelings matter to the Creator of heaven and earth. And when your feelings haven’t caught up to the truth yet, trust Him. I believe one day they will. Because the truth is, God is good. And He is not only good, He is good to me.

Say that with me. “God you are good to me.” Say it. Sing it. Write it on your mirror. Your feelings will eventually line up with the truth!

I have a memory of breastfeeding Zoey when we first brought her home and she took in three ounces. That was the first and last time she took in that much from exclusively me, and I will treasure and be thankful for that memory forever.

This is my prayer, that I hope at some point you can pray for yourself as well.

Jesus, let the feelings of disappointment, pain and sadness be processed through, so I can experience your goodness, faithfulness and joy. Create in me a heart of thankfulness. And when my feelings don’t line up with what is true, I will trust you enough to process them through until all that’s left is thankfulness, because You are good!

It doesn’t mean I won’t grieve for Sheldon the rest of my time here on earth, but it does mean I don’t have to stay trapped in the trauma of his loss. I will see him again, and for that, I am especially grateful!

Erica Mitchell is a daughter of the King. She loves being a wife of 9 years to Justin and the mother to 3 sons: Shylo 8, Shay 6, Sheldon (growing up in heaven) and rainbow baby girl Zoey. She believes worship is a lifestyle and loves to create with lyrics, music, and makeup. She has a calling and anointing in her words and voice to encourage and bring freedom to others in their personal relationship with Jesus. Her faith and heavenly perspective are contagious and overflows into all areas of her life.

 

If you are struggling, we would like to send you a printable PDF of 30 Ways to Give Yourself Comfort and Take Care of Yourself. This will also allow you to join over 1,000 other bereaved parents who are receiving a Weekly Word of Hope (which you can unsubscribe from any time).

 

Expressions of Hope is provided by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

 

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

 

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Losing a Grandchild

Most of us have a special place in our hearts for our grandparents. With six grandchildren myself (and number seven on the way), I can assure you the feelings are mutual. Grandchildren have a very special place in our hearts as well.

When a grandparent loses a grandchild from this earth, they get hit with a double whammy.  These precious grandparents face the personal loss of a big piece of their heart. But not only is there the intense pain of the hole in their heart that will never be filled, they have the added agony of watching their own child be plunged into an abyss of darkness, and there is nothing they can do about it.

Up until last summer, my husband and I were blessed to have all four of our parents still here on this earth. (Dave’s dad passed last July, and my dad passed last month), so all four of them were still here on earth when Becca died.

I am thankful I asked them a couple of years ago to share their thoughts with me about losing their granddaughter, because I have heard from several grandparents lately (some of them are the ones who found GPS Hope and connected their grieving adult child to us), and now I can share their thoughts with other grandparents.

I hope and pray their words bring hope and encouragement to any grandparents who have lost a grandchild and are reading this.

I’ll start with my mom. The death of my daughter, Becca, has caused me to lean on her, more than I ever have in life. And thankfully, she has been more than willing to allow me to do so.  The bond between a mother and daughter is a special one, and I praise God for the mom He has given to me.

Through all the things our family went through over the years, it was so hard to see my dearly loved, first grandchild, struggle, time after time after time.  But in some ways, it was even more difficult to watch my own daughter deal with crisis after crisis with Rebecca.  The worst was to stand by and see my precious daughter’s deep grief at the loss of her precious daughter, as she has tried to learn how to cope and adjust to that reality.

 How did I deal with all of this?   I cried and I prayed a lot, clinging to the only One who can really bring any comfort at a time like this.  I am thankful for the One who can express my heart to the Father, when I don’t really even know how to pray (per Romans 8:26). 

As the years go by, I see more and more glimpses of beauty coming from the ashes, gladness instead of mourning, and praise instead of the spirit of despair (to paraphrase Isaiah 61:3).   Life will never be the same, and there will always be sad moments, but life for the most part can become joyful and happy again.  And that is the way that Becca would want it.

My dad was a pastor and a traveling evangelist in my growing up years, and his heart to see people come to know the love of Christ was deeply imbedded in him, even in his years of being home-bound with Parkinson’s. His thoughts have been on heaven for quite some time, even more so after his granddaughter went on ahead of him.

I am approaching this from a Christian’s point of view. Death is completely different when a Christian dies then when a non-Christian dies. I have experienced the emotion of both.

When we die in Christ, do we really die? The Scriptures tell us that we are alive in Jesus. We just leave this earth. We close the door to this earth and open the door to heaven to be with Jesus.

 Death can be bittersweet, because we always hate to lose the ones we love. It’s especially hard on the mother of a child. It’s hard on all of us. But for me, I try to look past the death, and see where she (Becca) is today. Death is one thing all of us are going to face. Each one of us is going to die, and we know there is nothing we can do about it. It is actually part of living.

 One of these days, and it might not be too long, I’m going to get to see her again. And I’m going to be able to walk around heaven with her, and with my other loved ones and friends I haven’t seen for many years who have gone there. I am going to get to see them again. And that will be a blessing.

And finally, some thoughts from my in-laws. Dave’s dad was a pastor for several years as well, and they were also missionaries in Poland and Australia after he retired. So they have seen a lot and have a strong faith in God through these tough times as well.

When you see your children struggle, you struggle, too, and you pray for them. It increases your prayer life. It’s hard watching them struggle with it. We just pray and help them through it.

When you get older, you look at it a little differently. I’m blessed to know that even though here, death separates us from our loved ones, up there, even death cannot separate us. I look forward to that, because I’ve got lots of ‘em up there. Knowing I am going to see them again softens the pain, but every time it leaves a mark.

 What’s that song we used to sing? When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be! We’ll get to see all the loved ones we’ve lost and we’ll get to see all of those we read about in the Bible and I get to see my Jesus. To me, it will be the most exciting day of my life!

The thought of losing one of my grandchildren can almost terrify me if I allow it (thinking about both my own pain of that precious grandchild being gone and watching one of my kids going through the loss of one of their children). I am very thankful to have the views of mine and Dave’s parents, to remind me that this world is only temporary, and we will be with them again.

After the death of my dad last month, I wrote a song. It seems appropriate to share the chorus here with you:

A lifetime here is not enough for us to be together,

So God has made a way for it to be forever.

But until that day comes

I won’t make it through by letting go,

But holding on tight to the memories I treasure.

This is not good-by, I’ll see you later.

If you would like to listen to Laura sing Together Forever click here.
The quotes from Becca’s grandparents were taken from the book From Ring Bearer to Pallbearer: Giving a Voice to Bereaved Siblings and Grandparents. If you would like a free PDF copy of this book, just click this link.

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

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Six Reasons to Connect with Other Bereaved Parents

 

There are many grieving parents who have a wonderful support system of friends and family after the death of their child. Unfortunately, much of it often only lasts for about six months to a year.

Once a parent hits that one-year mark, many of the people who are in that support system expect us to start “pulling ourselves together” and going back to who we were before, instead of being all gloomy and sad. We are even told we need to see a counselor and get some help to get over it.

Yes, some of us might need counseling. But many parents I know who go that route end up dropping out, because it isn’t really helping. The counselor is going by the book, based on what they have learned in their schooling, or based on their own grief of losing someone like a parent, but just can’t quite seem to reach the level of walking with those of us who have lost our child, which is what we desperately need. (This blog is not telling anyone to not get counseling. Please find a qualified counselor as soon as possible if you feel it is needed to help you get through some of the worst of the grieving process.)

Not all, but most pareavors (parents who have been bereaved of their child) find that the most helpful thing they can do is to connect with other pareavors who were dumped onto this same unwanted journey and will walk with them through the dark valleys of deep grief.

Here are six specific reasons to connect with other bereaved parents.

  1. We are a safe sounding board. Our grief needs lots of grace. And the best place to safely share and vent your raw and real emotions is to those who have experienced the same blackness, confusion and turmoil. There is no shame, and no judgment on your thoughts or feelings when it comes to other parents who have been right where you are.
  2. We will not only let you talk about your child, but are honored to help you keep his or her memory alive, no matter how many years it has been since they left this earth.
  3. We understand the turmoil leading up to the sunrise and sunset dates, as well as things like not going to church on Mother’s Day, being unable to get in the “holiday spirit” etc., well beyond just the first year.
  4. We have experienced the physical trauma. We know what it is like
    • to be so forgetful that we think we are losing our minds or are terrified we are getting early dementia
    • to get sick easily because our immune system has been compromised
    • to not be able to handle crowds or noisy places like we used to
    • to have no energy to get out of bed, much less get dressed or take a shower, weeks and months into our grief (including years later for seasons here and there)
    • to not be able to attend certain events for many years because they are grief triggers for us
    • to have “grief fog” for years, and the frustration it brings
  5. We understand that the word “family” has a totally different meaning to it now, and we understand why you don’t want to have a family picture taken or go to a family reunion.
  6. You won’t get hurtful clichés and inappropriate Bible verses thrown at you to try and fix you or make you feel better.

There are so many more reasons; these are some just off the top of my head. So now the question becomes, “How do I connect with other pareavors to get this kind of support?” Let me share some suggestions with you.

  • There are many wonderful and encouraging Facebook pages for grieving moms and grieving parents. I am guessing you have probably already discovered a few that are a good fit for your beliefs and struggles.
  • With self-publishing on the rise, there are more and more books written on this subject.
  • You may have also discovered that YouTube has videos out there to help with your grief journey.
  • There are also some great conferences and retreats where you can get away for a few days and move toward a greater measure of healing.
  • And of course, there are actual support groups for grieving parents that meet locally on a regular basis.

Just a personal note on those last two: When our daughter Becca died, I didn’t want to go to a support group or any kind of gathering/conference for parents who have lost a child. I thought it would be morbid, and I didn’t want to sit around with a bunch of people who were a mess like me. I thought I would leave feeling worse than I came. But what I discovered is that it was wonderful being around a group of people who were a mess like me, for all the reasons listed above and more. They “got it!” I didn’t have to exhaust myself by wearing a mask making them think I was okay, or feel the need to apologize for laughing or crying at any given moment for no apparent reason. It was so very refreshing and healing.

Here at Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope) we are doing everything we can to provide multiple ways for you to connect with grieving parents for encouragement, based on what works for you, including…. DRUM ROLL PLEASE….

We have launched a weekly podcast specifically for grieving parents!

The first episode was released on April 23, 2019 and a new one is released each Tuesday. The Grieving Parents Sharing Hope podcast is for those who are looking for light in their darkness, and for hope that your life can still have meaning and purpose as you learn to live in a way that honors the life of your child instead of being stuck in the deep grief of his or her death. You can find it several places where podcasts are found. (We hit a snag with iTunes and are hoping it will be there soon, as well.) It is also on our website, along with the show notes. Just go to www.gpshope.org/podcast.

In case you are not aware, here are several other ways that GPS Hope is providing ongoing support for grieving parents.

Facebook page

YouTube Channel

Award winning books

Deeper Dive book study on When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing After the Death of Your Child

Weekend retreats

Podcast

Support Groups (It is easy to facilitate a local GPS Hope Share & Care group)

Life Coaching

The Hope Mobile (our 38-foot motor home we live in) to meet personally with bereaved parents, or to minister through speaking and music to your group

Whether you connect with us here at GPS Hope in some way, or you connect with other groups, the bottom line message is that you are not alone, and there are those of us out here who want to walk with you until you can share that same message of hope with someone else coming along behind you.

 

 

Last year I put together a list of top ten recommended books. If you would like to have that list sent to you, just let us know and we would be happy to do so. (Since that time, I have read Imagine Heaven by John Burke and highly recommend it as well.)

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss, guiding them to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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REMINDER: This is NOT Permanent!

Death was not God’s idea when He created the world. God only gives life. God is the one who gave life to your child and mine. And He did not make them die.

Even though God did not create death, He knew it would be part of life, and made sure that He still had the final say, because when we die, it is not a final goodbye. It is only a transition from our earthly realm into His spiritual realm.

I know; death feels so final. When my daughter, Becca, died, I was thrown into such a horrific place of darkness. I knew where she was, and I publicly proclaimed it boldly at her funeral. But that didn’t keep me from the darkness and fog that took over my life for many, many months, even stretching into at least two years.

One thing that helped me, that I wish I had grasped sooner, is that this is only a temporary separation. I knew that in my head, but for some reason my heart had a much harder time accepting that as a truth I could hold onto, to pull me out of my darkness. All I could see is that she isn’t with me now, and how unfair and painful that was to me, to her dad, her siblings and grandparents. All I could think about was what she would miss, and what we would miss not having her here with us.

In fact, looking back on it, I was almost consumed with the thoughts of what I had lost from this earth, to the point of almost having panic attacks when thinking about being here for one year, five years, ten years without Becca. There were times I could barely breathe from the pain of it.

But God in His graciousness stepped in over and over again, as I laid my pain at His feet, groaning and sobbing to Him for help.

One of the things the Holy Spirit spoke to me was that I am not getting further away from Becca. Every day I am here on this earth brings me closer to her, as I get closer to my own transition. That made a huge difference in how I was able to start seeing things through His eyes of love instead of my own eyes of loss.

One of my favorite scriptures for many years, even before Becca died, has been Romans 8:18. It reads, “I believe that the present suffering is nothing compared to the coming glory that is going to be revealed to us.” (CEB)

That verse is now life to me like never before. Those of us who know the pain and suffering of grieving the death of our child, a pain that is beyond any words, have something to look forward to for sure! If the glory to come is so fantastic that it cannot even be compared to the depth of our suffering, then I say bring it on!

Another translation says, “This is how I work it out. The sufferings we go through in the present time are not worth putting in the scale alongside the glory that is going to be unveiled for us.” (NTE) I love how it says we have to work it out, because that is exactly what has to happen.

And that whole thing about how the glory we will experience will far outweigh our greatest pain and suffering here on this earth… I don’t know about you, but to me, it is pretty mind-boggling to think our children are already experiencing it and know what that glory is like.

But in the meantime, we are left with holding onto Him as He carries us through the darkness, allowing Him to breathe life back into us.

It may seem impossible, as most of us on this road ahead of you believed as well, but you really can have a life of hope and light, and even a life with purpose and meaning again. It looks different, but it’s kind of like learning to live with an amputation. A part of our very being has been cut off from us, and it takes a long time to heal and learn how to live with that piece of us missing.

But allowing the truth to seep deep in our hearts that this is only temporary, and what is to come is so much better that this will all be forgotten, will help tremendously.

I can’t talk about the separation from our children not being permanent without also bringing in 2 Corinthians 4:18. “We don’t focus our attention on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but the unseen realm is eternal.” (TPT)

The VOICE translation says we “focus on the things we cannot see, which live on and on.” That is exciting to me; to think that our children are already in the place where nothing harmful or hurtful can ever touch them again, including our own death.

Have you ever thought about that? We have taken the pain for them. They will never have to experience the pain and grief of our death when it is our turn to transfer into the heavenly realm! I know as a parent, I am always thankful when I can carry a burden so that my children don’t have to carry it. And this is the ultimate burden we can carry for them. They will never have to go through the painful grief of our death.

I love how the Message Bible says it.

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.

What we are going through now will seem like nothing, once we join our children in heaven and partake in the glory they are now part of.

Jesus said in Matthew 6:21 that your heart will always be where your treasure is. We have an extremely valuable treasure in heaven, so it makes sense that our heart will be there until we can see and touch that treasure once again.

We are ALL eternal beings. Our children are not gone forever. We are just separated temporarily. They are living on and on in a place we will eventually be also.  Praise God, He made a way that our separation is only temporary.

We have put together a list of Thirty-Six Scriptures of Hope that can be printed out to read and meditate on. If you would like to have this sent directly to you, just let us know below. 

 

Expressions of Hope is written by author, speaker and singer Laura Diehl. She and her husband, Dave, are the founders of Grieving Parents Sharing Hope (GPS Hope). Dave and Laura travel full time in their Hope Mobile (a 38-foot motor home) to be more easily available for speaking and ministry requests, including being invited to hold one-day GPS Hope & Healing conferences.

Laura is a national keynote speaker and has also been a workshop speaker for events such as The Compassionate Friends and Bereaved Parents USA national conferences, along with being a guest on radio shows, podcasts and other media channels such as webinars with Open to Hope.

If you would like more information about Laura as a speaker for your next event or want more information on hosting a GPS Hope & Healing conference, click here.

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

 

 

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Three Shifts in Perspective that Bring Hope in Our Grief

When our child dies, everything goes dark. We can’t think straight, we are numb, and it feels like we are in a nightmare and are trying to wake up.

As strange as it is, even in the numbness we can feel anger and intense emotional pain. All of this swirling inside of us goes on for months, and then even into years. That is normal for a parent who has lost a child, since experts have determined that:

  • most of us deal with what is considered fresh grief for up to five years
  • the death of a child falls under traumatic grief (we have suffered a trauma) and many parents also have PTSD depending on the circumstances of the death (finding his or her body, seeing it happen, etc.)

Our thoughts can get stuck in this place of darkness, and we wonder if we will ever be able to get out.

One of the things I discovered early in my grief journey after my daughter, Becca, died, was to ask God to help me shift my perspective. The way I saw everything was dark and painful, but I knew God saw things through different eyes, and I needed desperately to see what He saw.

Let me share three things with you that God showed me, helping make that shift in how I saw things. And before you read them, may I suggest that you pause and ask God to help you see these things with His eyes as well. And remember, this isn’t coming from someone who is trying to fix you by giving you Christian clichés and pat answers. This is coming from someone who has been right where you are.

  1. This life is not permanent. Thank you, God!!! This is only the blink of an eye, a dot on the line of eternity. Where we are going has none of this heartache, turmoil and separation.

God made a way so that we do not have to be permanently separated from those we love. Wow! That is pretty amazing when you stop   and think about it. And please do. Stop and think about it. This is not a permanent separation.

I remember confiding in a friend a year after Becca died that I felt guilty because I wanted to go to heaven to see Becca more than I did to see Jesus. Her answer? “But Laura, you have made a deposit!” I love that.

And when Jesus says, “Where your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21), I realized that since one of my greatest treasures is in heaven, my heart will be there as well. And that is okay.

  1. To live is Christ, to die is gain (Philippians 1:21). So, I have to ask, if that is true, what did Becca gain?

You and I have children hanging out in incredible glory and perfection; no sickness, no pain (physical or emotional), no hurtful rejections… I think you get the idea and could build on this list. When I take time to think about what my daughter has gained, I can start feeling happy for her, which eases my pain some.

And have you thought about how our children will be the first ones waiting to meet us when we arrive? I can actually get excited thinking about Becca showing me all around, knowing she couldn’t wait for me to get there and join her!

Honestly, when I spend time thinking about my deep loss, I cry and can hardly breath. When I think of her gain, and let my mind imagine what it is like for her, it moves me in the direction of peace.

Would I rather have Becca here with me? Absolutely, especially when I think about how much I miss her and all the things she is not, or will not, be part of as I continue living here on earth.  But since I have resigned myself to the fact that it isn’t going to happen, I have gotten to the point of enjoying picturing her in heaven, imagining the fun she is having, the people she is meeting and hanging out with, what her mansion might be like, etc.

  1. God IS always good. And good doesn’t mean I always get what I want. Good means that He sees what we cannot see, and knows what we don’t know, and sometimes allows natural consequences to take affect because of that.

And in His goodness, He made a way for death not to be final. Plus, He not only walks with us, He will carry us if needed, while offering everything we need as we travel through this very deep, very dark valley.

In other words, we need to see God as one who comes along beside us with deep sorrow and compassion, not as someone to blame who caused the death of our child. It is really helpful when we see God as the rescuer in our story, rather than the cause of our pain by something he did or didn’t do.

Asking God to make a shift in our perspective is so important. When I asked Him to do that for me, one of the biggest shifts God made for me that I so desperately needed was when I thought about getting further and further away from Becca. I could work myself up into hardly being able to breathe when I thought about moving into the new year without her, and then thinking about being three years, five years, ten or twenty years here without her. God spoke to my heart and told me that I wasn’t getting further away from her, but each year (and each day) I am getting closer to her!

Wow! Now I could appreciate that for sure! Every day I am here, every year that goes by, I am that much closer to seeing Becca and being with her again. Thank you, God for Your goodness in changing how I see it, and for making it possible.

What do you need to see differently? Maybe it’s every part of it and you don’t even know where to start. That’s okay. God knows. Just break through whatever is holding you back and ask Him.

 

Another thing that helps, is to find ways to honor your child to keep their memory alive so that others will know who he or she is. To receive a list of Ten Ways to Honor the Life of Your Child, just submit your name and email below. You will also begin to receive each Wednesday our Weekly Word of Hope. (No spamming, we promise!)

GPS Hope exists to walk with grieving parents through the suffocating darkness of child-loss to a place of hope, light and purpose.
 We also support families, friends and coworkers who want to know how to support these parents both short and long-term.

 

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